


Ultraviolence

by pushingthesenses



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mob, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And Kylo Ren is a Bad Bitch, Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben and reader are lifelong friends, Cunnilingus, Darth Maul Lives, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Dominant Kylo Ren, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, GIVE IT TIME, Idk I'm not good at it, In Which Kylo Ren is Ben Solo's Alter Ego, Kylo Ren in Love, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren is always in a suit, Kylo and Hux are friends, Loss of Virginity, Love Bites, Mentions of attempted rape, Mob Boss Kylo Ren, Nice Armitage Hux, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Possessive Kylo Ren, Praise Kink, Slow Burn, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unprotected Sex, Virgin Ben Solo, and a lot of fluff, ben and hux are always bickering, ben solo is a softie, but lets pretend he isn't red, but they're best buds, guns galore, i would like to reiterate that ben is possessive, kind of?, overprotective ben, there will be a lot of that actually, there's obviously not a blade of canon in this, well he isn't now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:22:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 55,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22888381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pushingthesenses/pseuds/pushingthesenses
Summary: ON HIATUS/RECONSTRUCTIONMajor re-working and re-writing to be done.You and Ben Solo were lifelong friends, and spent most of your lives galavanting around New York together. But when Ben Solo comes of age, he becomes the heir to his parents Order and becomes the boss of The First Order mob. As a precaution to ensure your safety, you play the part of Lady Ren, his partner. The title earns you an untouchable status.Until you decide to run from it.Four years and a new life later, you're beginning to think that wasn't a terribly wise decision.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 63
Kudos: 352





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Title obviously taken from the Lana Del Rey song/album.
> 
> Reader will usually refer to Ben as Ben, except when he is exhibiting Kylo's behaviours. In which case, she'll refer to him as Kylo instead.  
> Also, I KNOW it makes no canonical sense to have Dryden Vos or Darth Maul in this story due to the Star Wars timeline but listen, it's already an AU, so. I didn't want to have any more original characters than necessary. I know some readers don't like that. 
> 
> I already have about 12K words of this written, so updates should be decently regular.
> 
> edit: finally made a [sideblog](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/) for my writing, if any of you would like to say hi on there!

“Alright, now keep your arm steady,” Ben stood beside you, a firm hand grasping your elbow as he positioned you. “Alright, good, that’s good.” 

He stood back, observing your posture.  
You were standing in a badly lit, damp and cold abandoned factory situated somewhere near New Jersey. It was where everyone came to practice there shot, far away from the bustle of the city and hidden from prying eyes. 

You were only thirteen years old, but your stance was better than he’d expected on your first go. Not that he, as a gangly sixteen year old, could say much about his own. But you both had to learn young, and learn fast, if you were both to become what his parents said you’d be.  
His father had taught him several years earlier, but both of your parents figured Ben would be best suited as your teacher. You were too stubborn to listen to anyone else. At least _he_ could handle you with a gun in your hand and not fear sudden death. 

“Remember,” he said, moving forward to shift your shoulder slightly to improve your aim. “The force of the shot might send you back a bit, but don’t panic, just let it happen.” 

You nodded, intently focused on keeping your arms strong and your feet planted firmly on the ground. “Just tell me when.” You said, your index finger resting on the trigger. 

“Okay, you’re ready,” he said, standing back and gesturing toward the target dummy. “Shoot.”

And you did. The force of the shot moved you backward slightly, but you had expected it. It didn’t waver you, much to Ben’s surprise. It had scared the shit out of him, the first time he’d shot a gun. Your aim was only slightly off, hitting the neck of the dummy instead of the head. But a good shot, nonetheless. Especially for your first try. 

He let out a surprised huff. “Remind me to never rile you up when you’ve got one of those on you,” he said. “That was good.”  
You smiled giddily. Your young features and childish laugh was a stark contrast to what he’d just seen you do. “What can I say,” you did a twirl, raising your hands in the air. “I’m a natural.”  
“Whatever,” he laughed, “I’m still a better shot than you.”  
You giggled, thinking of the future that lay ahead of you.  
“They’ll be scared of me, Ben,” you smiled. “I bet you right now, they’ll all be scared of me.”  
He paused, observing you for a moment. He could only imagine the fearless girl, and woman, that you’d grow up to be. He smiled, hoping - no, _knowing_ \- that it would be by his side.  
“I don’t doubt that. I don’t doubt that at all.”

And you weren’t wrong. 

By the time you turned eighteen, you’d grown to be a fearless leader. Beautiful, capable, powerful and smart. Ben had always known that you’d grow to be remarkable - even more so than you already were - but he was stunned by you nonetheless.  
He often let his mind wander to his earliest memories with you. You were both feisty children with a lot to say and a lot to do. You were always a handful when you were together - which was almost always, considering your parents worked for his parents, and from home, at that. 

His parents had owned the top three floors of a luxury apartment building. The mob was never short on money, that was for sure. Your parents occupied a sprawling apartment on the floor below his, where they did clerical work for The Resistance Order. They were, perhaps, the only friends Han and Leia felt they’d ever had, outside of their most trusted men, that is. Leia was ecstatic when you were born. Ben was an only child, and never saw much of his parents due to their line of work. It was your parents, as they worked from their home, who had offered to take care of Ben as his parents went about their high-paced and high-risk lives. So, once you were born, you were rarely, if ever, apart. 

When Han and Leia were reaching their limits, when they sought to retire from their crumbling order, Ben was the heir to the metaphorical throne. He wasn’t sure he was cut out for it, really. He had a temper sometimes, sure, but he wasn’t sure he was made of whatever it was it took to be a mob boss. He knew right well that he'd be too, for want of a better word, soft. 

“ _You_ don’t have to be,” his mother had said to him, “But part of you does, and part of you is. Fake it until you make it,” she winked. “And that part of you will thrive.”  
And thus, Kylo Ren was born. A character in his mind - he'd thought of him some years before when he'd had to write a short story for his homeschooling class. He reckoned Kylo Ren could be a mob boss. Ben wasn't much of an actor, but playing the part of Kylo Ren seemed safer than walking into things without a clue of what he was doing. 

He was 21 when he took over from his parents, and he’d never been more afraid in his life. He’d always been in danger, and he knew that. He knew that, at any moment, a rival order could try to kidnap him or worse, kill him, as a message to The Resistance. He was raised to be cautious. But their security was top tier, so Ben, and by proxy, you, remained safe. Thankfully, most of the other Order’s had no idea of your existence, save for the Crimson Dawn Order, who had been working closely with Ben’s father, Han, for several years. 

However, once Han and Leia retired - your parents had already planned to retire with them - your protection would be lost. You’d just be a girl, with no name to protect her. That was a fact not lost on Ben. When you were children, he’d promised to always protect you, and he didn’t intend on breaking that promise.  
But, in fairness to him, the idea of Lady Ren was not his, but that of his mother. 

“With your name, as the leader of the new order you’re creating, she’ll be untouchable,” she said, clutching his shoulders excitedly. “You don’t _have_ to really be together, Ben, just play pretend at the meetings and no one will bat an eye. Not only will she be safe, but hurting her would start a war, and no one around here wants another war.” 

He thought you’d freak out at the idea, really. But you didn’t. You welcomed it, actually. You knew that, should you choose to stay with Ben instead of following your parents, that you’d need protection. And this was your best bet.

He’d made several changes to the Order, including its name. The word ‘resistance’ never sat well with him. What were they supposed to be resisting? The First Order sounded far more menacing, and that’s what he wanted. The more people feared you, the less they’d endeavour to fuck with you, which would make your lives that little bit easier. 

He’d also recruited Armitage Hux as his second in command, a suggestion from Han, who had worked closely with his father, Brendol.  
It was hard work, rebuilding an order from the ground up, but he’d done it, and he’d done it with your help. You had been his everything - his support system, his confidant and his guiding light. You were always there. 

Until you weren’t.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wished you could forget the night you left. So does Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exactly why you run will make more sense in coming chapters, where there will be a lot more dialogue. 
> 
> This is more angst that sets the scene before things get going in the next chapter. Also, a little more Lana Del Rey, because why not?

The flashbacks of that cursed night would come in waves. It had only been four years, but it felt like a lifetime ago.

You’d forget for days about where you’d come from. Only recognising the life you’d built now - on your own, by yourself, without anyone’s name to protect you. Without guns, without money, without violence. You’d done it by yourself, for yourself. And of course, it crushed you, not having your best friend. It took what felt like forever to adjust to life without him - he’d been there, by your side, for twenty years. Since the day you were born. Separating from him was the hardest thing you’d ever done. You’d spent your life with him no further than a hundred meters away. But when you ran, when you tore yourself away from him, you’d put three thousand miles between you. 

Oftentimes, however, it felt like you’d never gotten used to life without Ben in it. You’d search for him in every crowd, and your soul would leave your body with fright every time the doorbell rang - you always hoped that maybe, he’d come and take you home. But he never did. You knew he wouldn’t. Ben had always respected your decisions and would never interfere with the choices you made. 

Though you wished he would. 

And you had no right to wish that, either. _You_ left. _You_ ran. He’d begged you not to run - both of you knew, deep down, once you left, he wouldn’t chase you. Not that he wouldn’t want to, of course, but he felt that pushing your boundaries was disrespectful, and he always showed you the utmost respect. He knew, once you were gone, that would be it.  
But you ran anyway, fuelled by sheer panic and fear. 

You'd go weeks without incident, but then you'd fall into a restless sleep, and you'd see it play out all over again behind your eyelids.

_The screams. They were choked. The sounds of blood and phlegm rising above the guttural, primal groans of pain.  
The sounds of bones cracking, knuckles meeting flesh.  
You could feel yourself trying to scream, but the air got caught in your lungs. You couldn't breathe.  
You felt the ground shift beneath you. Suddenly, you were running. But you didn't know where.  
You could hear him screaming your name, over and over, until it echoed out of your consciousness. _

______________________________

The following days and weeks after your departure were the roughest of Ben’s life. He couldn’t remember a life without you in it. 

His first memory was of holding you as a baby as his mother shouted at him not to drop you. He was only three, but he was doing his best. 

His second memory was helping you stand. You had nearly fallen down and in a panic, he’d yelped and hoisted you upward by the back of your yellow baby-grow. 

All of his memories, every important moment in his life, involved you. You were his only constant, by his side through everything. But you were gone. 

He’d sit in meetings and not engage. He didn't care. He stopped caring the night you left.  
He’d always been quiet enough, but now he didn’t speak at all unless absolutely necessary. After one particularly boring meeting, he’d gotten up to leave straight away, not acknowledging anyone. He could feel Hux’s eyes on him, but he knew better than to follow him. They all knew better than to bother him as of late - or, at least, they should have. When your former personal guard, Poe, grabbed his arm on his way out, it took everything Ben had not to shove him away. But he was like a brother to you, and he couldn’t do that, he wouldn’t hurt him. He’d kept him on the security team in hopes that you’d come back one day, and you’d need him. 

“Please, Poe,” he’d said through gritted teeth. “Get out of the way.”  
“No,” he said, laying his hand firmly on Ben’s shoulder. “You need to talk to us, we’re worried.”  
“I’m fine,” he said, shifting so that Poe’s hand fell from his shoulder. “Now, leave.”  
When he lifted his eyes to meet Poe’s, he saw it. That ridiculous look of _pity_ everyone kept giving him. His parents, his cousins, his own men. Even the rival orders were looking at him as though he was a wounded dog on the side of the road. It enraged him.  
Inhaling sharply, he snapped, shoving Poe roughly to the side, but being sure not to let him collide into the wall or to knock him off his feet.  
“Stop it with the pity-eyes. Just _stop_. Stop fucking looking at me like that.” 

He stormed past, his brooding figure warning everyone around him to stay away. He instructed his driver to take him straight home - he had no interest in having the regular post-meeting drinks. Alcohol would only fuel his fire.

Walking through his front door was almost worse. He had a penthouse apartment that looked over the city - and of course, you had your very own room.

You’d walked every inch of the place, you were always there. And he was constantly haunted by memories of you dancing through the halls, or sitting on the kitchen counter, legs swaying beneath you as you sipped your coffee. One of his favourites - yet, the most painful to remember - is you sitting at the grand piano that stood near the wall-sized windows in the living area.  
You were playing a soft couple of notes. You weren’t good at piano, in fact, this was the only song you’d learned to play, because you loved it. And even then, you didn’t play it well. But you tried, and it warmed his heart every time. He didn’t know what song it was, though. You never sang along, you were usually too focused on finding the right keys. But this time, because you’d thought Ben was in his bedroom and unable to hear you, you let yourself sing along. 

_“Hot summer nights, mid July,  
When you and I were forever wild,  
The crazy days, city lights,  
The way you'd play with me like a child,”_

You had no idea that Ben was standing between the living area and kitchen, watching you. 

_“Will you still love me,  
When I'm no longer young and beautiful?  
Will you still love me,  
When I've got nothing but my aching soul?  
I know you will, I know you will,  
I know that you will.  
Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?”_

The memory pained him, slashing through his heart with the force of a bullet.  
He turned, stalking toward his bedroom. But the hallways were filled with the ghost of you, too. How you’d run back and forth between your bedroom and his, trying to hold a conversation because you wouldn’t just stand still.  
Always busy, he remembered. You always had to be doing _something_. 

You had your own place, of course, a huge and beautiful apartment close to your parents. But he wanted you to know you were a part of his world - a part of him - so he’d decorated a bedroom especially for you.  
The closet was filled with your expensive gowns that you’d wear to the meetings of the orders, designer shoes and bags he’d bought you as gifts, and some you’d bought yourself. You had your own money, of course, but he liked to buy you things, even though you hated it when he did. You always felt like you didn’t deserve them.

The vanity was filled with high-end makeup and jewellery, including a gold pin with diamonds and rubies arranged in the shape of the symbol of the First Order. Those were the parts of the room that echoed Lady Ren. The rest, well. The rest was just you. There was a record player in the corner, surrounded by the discography of your favourite band (even though you swore you listened to other music, he was fairly certain they were all you ever listened to), and the balcony was full of plants. On the walls, there were three framed discs and album artwork that he’d had signed by the same band for one of your birthdays. 

He refused to put any of it away. He let the cleaner in to get rid of the dust once a week, but aside from that, he kept it locked. He wanted it pristine for when you came back. Because he was sure you would. You _had_ to.


	3. Chapter Two

You’d been sitting in your bedroom with the door locked, ruminating for days. You couldn’t get his voice out of your head. It had been distorted through the phone and through the buzzing arteries of the internet. But that didn’t matter, it was still all you could hear. Ringing through your ears on a caustic loop, leaving nothing but destruction in its path. 

_“Hang on,” your father had said to you through the phone. “I’m getting a Skype call on the computer, one second,”  
You could hear the familiar beep of the call being answered, your father’s voice directed away from the phone and toward the computer. “Just give me a minute,” he’d said to the caller.  
“Alright, should I call back?”  
Your blood ran cold. You knew that voice, you’d know it anywhere, no matter how many frequencies it was pushing through. The deep baritone, the way his voice dripped with depth like honey whenever he spoke.  
Your father’s answer to him existed only as an echo in your mind. You quickly hung up, throwing your phone across your room in a panic.  
No, no, no, no, no. _

In a way, it was silly to be so panicked. Of course, you should have known that Ben would keep in touch with your parents to keep an eye on you. Even though you hadn’t seen them since you left either, you talked to them every day. They knew where you were and what you were doing. It would have destroyed them, if you chose to completely disappear. You knew they’d keep your secret safe, so you let them in on your move. They were less than pleased, to say the least. If anyone came after you now, if you were followed - you had no protection. You’d figuratively shat all over your title and you would have to make it on your own. Which was, of course, terribly dangerous and foolish and the dumbest idea you’d ever had. But, alas, you were nothing else if not consistent. You made your bed, and you’d lie in it. 

But still.  
It had been four years since you heard that voice. And it made your stomach flip and your cheeks hot, while simultaneously making your blood turn to ice and your muscles to stone.

You hadn’t left your apartment since. You couldn’t face anyone in this state, _least_ of all your boyfriend. 

Alec was _so_ kind. So sensitive and gentle. A little on the shorter side, but look, you weren’t looking to replace Ben. You knew you never could. So you settled for second best.  
He was affectionate and loving and kind, and the sex was pretty vanilla but it was, you know... _Fine_. You’d lost your virginity to him, and it wasn’t like you had anything to compare it to. But you always felt like it was lacking something. He didn’t drive you mad with lust, by any means, but it was okay. It was a healthy relationship - as far as healthy goes when you’ve lied to them about every aspect of your life. But really, it was okay. Alec was the type of guy you should be with - the type you marry, the type you bring home to your parents and the type your parents love.  
And your parents would have loved him, too, had you ever let him meet them. But you hadn’t. You knew what they’d say. You knew they’d tell you that you were only fooling yourself. And you weren’t even doing that very well.  
But God loves a trier. 

He’d been texting you constantly for days, and you only texted him back once, to reassure him you were okay - and so he wouldn’t file a missing persons report. You’d asked him, politely, to leave you alone for a while. You made up a lie about feeling stressed, which he bought, and said you’d meet with him on Friday.  
But now it was Friday, and you weren’t quite ready to leave your bubble of safety. Because the second you’d see his face, you knew it would all come crashing down. You'd tried so hard to forget. To leave your past behind, to leave the First Order in the ashes of your former life. And truly, you thought you had. Save for the nightmares and intermittent flashbacks, you truly did think that, perhaps, you could move on. But after having such a ridiculous reaction to Ben's _voice_ , you knew your jig was up. You couldn't pretend, not anymore. It was just too hard. And you were tired of things being so fucking hard.

You were standing on your balcony, fiddling with your phone as you took a swig of your favourite beer. It was approaching 5pm, so you figured it wasn’t too early. 

**Alec 16:39:**  
Can we still meet tonight? I’d really like to talk and make sure that you’re okay. I love you.

You sighed loudly. You felt tremendous guilt - he was trying, and he was nice and he loved you. But you’d never loved him. You knew that, and you knew it well. Dragging him along by a string wasn’t going to help you forget Ben or your past life, and it surely wasn’t going to make his life any better. You’d made your decision. Four years wasted, perhaps, but God, at least you tried to love another. You really did. 

**********

He was pacing back and forth in his living area, hands carding through his hair. His impatience was only growing the longer it took the Knights to arrive with their report. 

“They’ll be here,” Hux said plainly, not looking up from his papers. He sat on one of the large grey couches, legs crossed. He almost sounded bored. “Relax.”  
“I am relaxed.” Ben spat, sitting down on the couch adjacent to Hux. He rested his elbows on his knees and ran both hands through his dark hair.  
Hux hummed, his eyes flicking up to meet Ben’s. “You certainly look it.”  
Ben ignored his comment, leaning back into the cushions and taking a long breath. “I just want to know she’s okay, I didn’t like that bullshit Vos was spewing last night,” he said, thinking back to last night’s meeting. 

Dryden Vos had been letting on that he’d known where you were, and Ben didn’t like that. Not one bit.  
When you’d left, the First Order had made a sort-of cover story for you. It was Ben’s idea, of course. He hoped you’d come back, and when you did, at least there’d be a viable reason for your absence. He’d said you were taking some time off from the Order - you wanted to do something with yourself, get yourself educated, so you went off to college in a different state. It was a believable story, and no one had questioned it. Except for Vos. That paranoid prick questioned everything. 

“I just need to know she’s not in trouble.” Ben finished.  
Hux sighed, putting his paperwork down on the glass coffee table and turning himself to face Ben.  
“Listen,” he said, putting his hands on his knees. “You’ve been holding on to someone who isn’t coming back. You have to promise me that once you find out she’s fine and that Vos is full of shit, that you’ll let her go.”  
Ben’s eyes snapped up to meet Hux’s. He didn’t understand what Hux was implying, but he knew he didn’t like it.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. She’s my best friend, of course I’m going to miss her.”  
“Don’t,” Hux said sternly. “Do you think we’re all just dumb fucks who don’t fucking notice anything? You loved her, you still love her, and you won’t let it go. It’s been four years, Ben, you’re getting fucking sloppy because your head isn’t in the right place. You have to let her _go_.”

Ben was milliseconds away from launching himself at Hux in a blind fury - something Hux had expected, but wouldn’t welcome - when the Knights filed in through the door. Two were missing, as expected, seeing as they were in your city, watching you. 

“Sir,” Trudgen stood in front, bowing his head in respect as Ben stood up to greet them. “We received word from Cardo and Ushar. We have a problem.”  
Ben raised his eyebrows expectantly. “A _problem_?”  
“Crimson Dawn,” Trudgen continued. “They’ve found her. So far, they’ve only been watching her, but Ushar said he’s fairly sure they’re bringing more men in to start closing in on her. He tapped their wires. At eight in the evening, her time, they plan to take her.”

Ben spun around to face Hux, then looked back to the Knights. His expression was cold.  
“Prepare my jet. We’re getting there first,” he stormed past the knights. “Wheels up in forty minutes, I expect you all ready,” he paused his stride to look over his shoulder at the Knights. “And you can tell Ushar to watch her like a fucking hawk, because if anyone touches her, I’m going to fucking decimate Crimson Dawn.”

As Ben disappeared into the depths of the pent-house, Hux dismissed the Knights with a wave of his hand and a sigh.  
“Maybe she will be coming home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope anyone reading this enjoys Alec, you'll be seeing more of him. He's an OC I've been working with in original fiction for about ten years now.  
> Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this, it does mean a lot.


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally reunite with Ben.

Alec was sitting patiently, waiting for you in the corner of the bar. You almost turned and walked away, right back to your apartment. You considered locking yourself inside and never crossing the threshold again. Sure, you’d run out of food eventually. And yeah, you’d probably die of starvation after that. But at least, if you were dead, you wouldn’t have to deal with this. And sure, you’d die a liar, but at least if you were dead, you wouldn’t be plagued by the sound of Ben’s voice. If you were dead, you wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. 

But, alas, you were alive and kicking and really didn’t want to die. So you pushed forward, sitting opposite Alec. You were already a few beers deep and already had another bottle in your hand. But thankfully, your tolerance had become woefully high, so even though it dulled your nerves, you weren’t out of your right mind.  
Not yet, anyway. 

But a part of you wishes you were. Because you were positively dreading this. Hurting him was the last thing you wanted to do. And this was going to shatter him - you knew that. But you had to do it. You couldn’t continue on like this, acting wasn’t your strong suit. You did enough of it while playing the part of Lady Ren - and you didn’t have to do much. Just let Ben put his arm around you, smile at him a bit more than usual. That was usually enough to fool the other Order’s - they didn’t seem to care much. You only ever had to put on a show for Crimson Dawn - Dryden Vos, paranoid as ever, was always convinced he was being lied to. Even then, your definition of ‘a show’ was just you playing with Ben’s hair at the dinner table. You’d done it often as a child when his hair would grow long, but stopped once you hit thirteen and, you know. Felt things. 

Moving here, starting over - you were meant to leave the act behind. Be yourself - without letting on where you came from, of course. But you’d only dug yourself deeper into another lie. You just wanted to be free. Free to be yourself, free to just...be. 

“Hi” you finally said, noticing you’d spent several moments saying nothing, only fiddling with the cardboard coaster in front of you.  
“Hi,” he said back, quietly. He eyed you cautiously. You know well that he knows what's coming. “I’ve been worried about you.”  
“I know, I know,” you don’t want to meet his gaze. If you do, you’ll crack. So you look around the bar instead, meeting a dozen other sets of eyes that aren’t his. He’s so nice, so sweet, he doesn’t deserve this, but -  
Your thoughts are halted when your eyes meet a darker, more sinister pair. A short man, dressed all in black, was staring at you intently from across the bar. You were certainly not in the mood to be hit on or trifled with, especially not by someone so greasy looking.  
“The fuck’s your problem?” you shouted, unable to stop yourself. The man only smirked, not moving, but not averting his gaze, either.  
You huffed, turning back to Alec. 

“Listen, I need to talk to you.”  
Alec nodded, his eyes soft but sad. “I know.”  
“I think…” you trailed off for a moment, unable to form your thoughts into words. Should you admit you never loved him? That you’ve never really been attracted to him? That he’s nothing more than a comfort device? No. God, no. He doesn’t deserve that. But what else can you say?  
“I think I have feelings for someone else.”

And in all fairness to yourself, you hadn’t wanted to say that either. But the words fell out of your mouth before you could stop them, and you resisted the urge to roll your eyes at yourself - because of course that’s how this day would go. Your ridiculous word vomit and lack of thought would end up hurting him more than you’d intended to. 

He was silent for a moment, visibly shell shocked. He leant back in his seat, looking like the wind had just gotten beat out of him. “Who?” he finally asked, his voice barely a whisper, almost inaudible above the music.  
You were looking fairly shocked yourself. You hadn’t expected to say that. You’d never anticipated telling him about Ben. You’d speak sometimes of an old friend, but never offered Alec his name. You sighed.  
“You don’t know him. It’s...the friend. The friend I talk about. From my childhood,” you ran a hand through your hair. “His name is Ben.”

At least that was only a _little_ lie. Ben was certainly from your childhood. You simply left out the part of that friendship that continued up until you turned twenty-one.  
His face contorted in confusion, tears sitting in his eyes, threatening to spill over. “Have...Have you seen him?”  
You shook your head violently. “No, no. I haven’t. And I probably won’t. Ever again,” you sighed, looking down. You felt a lump in your throat. You didn’t feel right, hurting Alec. He’d never been anything but wonderful to you. “But it doesn’t feel right being with you when I know I’ll always be thinking of him. Even when I try my hardest not to, I still do.” 

Alec said nothing, simply looking down at his hands which were sitting in his lap. Tears spilled onto his cheeks. You wanted to reach out and hug him, do anything to ease this pain. But you knew you shouldn’t. It would only make things worse.  
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw the short, dark clothed man move slightly. He was _still_ staring at you. You felt your anger bubbling. Surely, a normal, sane human being would look away - they wouldn’t stare so rudely throughout such an intimate conversation. You considered confronting him, but knew that would be a disservice to Alec. So you bit your tongue and turned back to Alec. You opened your mouth to speak, but before you could formulate a word, the door to the bar swung open violently.  
You snapped your head to face the commotion, and when you saw the source of the noise, your stomach dropped. You truly felt as though your internal organs had turned to liquid and were coming back up your throat. You moved back, your chair going with you, instinctively standing up. 

He was bigger than you remembered, if that was even possible. His hair had grown longer and fell to his shoulders in tousled waves. He’d been insistent on keeping himself clean shaven before, but now he was sporting facial hair. He looked tired, too. He looked so different, yet every bit the same as when you’d last seen him.  
When you spoke, it came out far quieter than you’d intended. But he heard you.

“Ben.”  
He took a sharp inhale of breath as his eyes landed on you. He looked as though he was struggling to breathe, and he knew it, but he couldn’t help it. He let out a shaky breath and took a step closer, half expecting you to step away.  
But you didn’t. 

“Ben?”  
It wasn’t so much a question, more a statement of disbelief.  
He sucked in another shaky breath, eyes glazing over with tears he was fighting to keep from falling. He nodded, offering a pathetic, sad smile. It was the best he could do. His stomach was churning, he’d never felt butterflies this badly before. He used to feel them all the time when he was around you, but not like this. Not in a way that made him feel like he was about to vomit.

You’d changed your hair. It wasn’t the same as when he’d last seen you, but God, you were still beautiful. Even more-so, if he dared to think it. The thought made him feel sick. You were so perfect, and you were finally right in front of him again. And he truly thought you must still hate him, but your eyes told a different story. They were glassy, and full of hope. Relief. And something else he couldn’t name. 

You both stood still for several moments, just taking each other in. You were almost panting in shock, on the verge of a panic attack - because how could he be here? But you were so thankful to see him, so happy you could cry and scream and jump all at the same time. And all he wanted was to run to you - to let his body and soul collide with yours and never let go again. 

You took a hesitant step forward, unsure of your next movements. You didn’t know if he hated you or not. You’d hate you, for sure. To be honest, you already hated yourself, anyway. So you wouldn’t blame him. You’d ran, left him behind.  
But for the first time in a long, long time, you pushed away that shame, and for the first time in an even longer time, you looked at him. You could see him, his face, his eyes. The way he looked at you, like you were the only person on Earth. He was really here. _Finally_ , he was right there. 

You hadn’t realised you were moving until your body collided with his, and you were encased in his arms in a suffocating embrace. He’d lifted you off the ground, one arm was wrapped around your back and waist in a vice like grip while his other hand gripped the back of your neck, his fingers tangled in your hair. It felt like hours had passed by the time you parted. 

Ben set you down, his hand still resting on the back of your neck. He was smiling, finally, for the first time in what felt like years. Maybe it was years. He couldn’t remember the last time he smiled, though he reckons it was probably with you. Or at a photo of you. Or a memory of you. Whenever it was, it was because of you. And seeing you smiling up at him like that? It knocked the breath clean out of him.  
He’d fucking murder any and every soul that got in the way of him seeing that smile again. He wanted to see it every day for the rest of his life.

In all your happy delirium, you hadn’t once thought about why he was there. The thought forced you out of your bubbly state, because whatever his reasoning for being here was, you knew it couldn’t be good. 

“Wait, what are you doing here?” You raised a hand to rest on his shoulder, and he reached out to hold your wrist. He just needed to touch you, to feel your skin. He was taking longer than he should have been to extract you, he knew that. But he couldn’t help himself.  
He exhaled sharply, eyes travelling across your face, taking in every inch of you. He should really be explaining, but he couldn’t find the words. He just wanted to stay in this moment, to keep it, hold onto it. Never leave it.  
“Ben?”  
He blinked, realising he’d spent longer than he’d thought just staring at you. He looked over your shoulder, seeing Alec sitting in the corner. He was crying. Ben knew who he was through the Knight’s reports, but realised he’d walked in at a less than favourable time. He looked back to you.  
“Crimson Dawn,” he started, but the realisation that swam across your features told him that you didn’t need much more explaining than that. “Dryden Vos, he sent his men to watch you. They’re planning on taking you.”

Part of you was in shock, but part of you was not at all surprised. You should have known, really, that Vos would come looking. The paranoid prick lost his temper if you lied about the brand of wine you gave him, never mind trying to pull the wool over his eyes about your relationship with Ben. Vos had always wanted you, but couldn’t make a claim to you - or even take you against your will - because of your title. It would start a war, and no one wanted that. But if he hadn’t believed Ben’s cover story, if he knew you were out there somewhere, with no protection...well, you were only surprised it took him this long.

Your mind snapped back to the short man. You looked quickly to where he had been standing, but he was long gone.  
“A man, there was a man, here,” your words were coming out too fast, too jumbled. You were panicked. It had been so long since you’d been in danger, you didn’t know if you’d remember how to defend yourself. “He was standing in the corner, watching. He looked like he could be from Crimson.”  
Ben nodded frantically. “Well then we need to get you out of here, and now, before he sends the parade.”  
You agreed hurriedly, but looked back to Alec. “What about him?” 

Ben sighed. He knew, he knew right well that Dawn had been watching you for the past several days. So far, it seemed that you hadn’t left your apartment much, so perhaps they wouldn’t know exactly who Alec was. His story could still hold up. But not if he stayed here. No, they’d take him, interrogate him, torture the truth out of him until Vos had the twisted truth he needed to claim you.  
And he couldn’t have that. 

“He’ll have to come, they’ll come for him otherwise,” he said, motioning to Alec to get up. He did, and stood before Ben. You hoped Alec wouldn’t try to punch him.  
“You have to come with us,” Ben said to him sternly. You’d turned to the side to face Alec, but Ben’s hand still rested on the back of your neck. “If you stay here, they’ll kill you.”  
“What?” Alec laughed, the sound was strange coming from his tear streaked face. “What the fuck are you talking about?”  
Ben looked to you. “You didn’t tell him?”  
You cocked your eyebrow. “Uh, did you expect me to go around telling people where I came from?”  
“Well, no, but I thought since, you know…” he gestured between you and Alec, inferring your relationship.  
“How do you even know about that?” You ask, crossing your arms.  
“The Knights.”  
You raised your eyebrows jokingly. You’d known he’d sent men to keep an eye every now and then, but you’d never seen them.  
“I had to make sure you were okay, and aren’t you glad I did, now?”  
You nodded, and turned to Alec. “Listen, there’s a lot to explain, but there’s not a lot of time.”  
Alec laughed again, but there was a disbelieving tone to it. “I’m hardly gonna just up and leave with you, I don’t even know him and you just fucking broke up with me, and apparently someone’s gonna kill me? Sure, I totally buy it.”

He was angry. And he had every right to be. But you didn’t have the time for it, and neither did Ben. Though his heart fluttered when Alec said you’d left him, he pushed the brief moment of joy aside. He really didn’t have the time to be arguing, not when you were in so much danger. 

“Listen, kid, we’re in the mob, okay? Both of us, and another one, a really fuckin’ shitty one, they wanna take her, okay? They wanna take her and make her their play-thing, and I’m not letting that happen, but they’ll take what they can get when they can’t find her. And they’ve been watching her, they’ve seen you. They seen you here today. So they’ll take you, and they’ll cut you up until you tell them what they wanna hear, and then they’ll ship your body to my damn doorstep for me to deal with, so when I tell you that you’re coming with us, you’re fuckin’ coming with us.” 

Alec was stunned to silence, simply offering a feeble nod as Ben towered over him. You were stunned yourself. It had been a long time since you’d heard that tone of authority. The tone that put everyone in their place. Everyone except for you.  
Well, sometimes you. But only when you were being a brat.  
You let your mind wander to a memory of when you were all but sixteen, and you’d ran off with Ben’s appointment diary. He wasn’t the leader yet, but he would be, and still had work to do. You’d only wanted his attention, which he would have been more than willing to give you had you asked for it. But he was worried that the papers would fly out of it as you ran and that he’d lose something important. He’d yelled at you for it, and it had put the fear of God himself inside you. It passed as quickly as it came, though, as he pulled you into a hug, chastising you quietly for not being more careful with something so important. 

You were pulled from your memory by another familiar voice coming from the door. 

“Ren,” Hux stood at the door, arms behind his back. “We’d better get going while we still have half a chance.” His eyes fell to you and he smiled warmly.  
“Hux!” You tore yourself from Ben’s hold and ran to embrace your old friend.  
“You’ve been dearly missed, [Y/N],” he gave you a sharp squeeze. “God knows, The First Order has missed its leading lady.”  
You laughed softly. “I’ve missed you too. All of you.”  
You felt Ben’s hand on your back, he had his other around Alec’s bicep, dragging him along behind him.  
“Come on,” he said, bitter to have to step back into reality. “Hux is right. They’ll be on our tail in no time if we don’t get out of here, and I don’t have the men to keep them off.” 

You let your mind wander to the pleasure of going home. Even if it wasn’t forever, even if it was only for now, while Dryden Vos was dealt with. Even if it was just for a little while, it’d be a little while with Ben. You think to yourself that you should be scared. Terrified, even. The man who’s coming for you is paranoid, frenzied, dangerous. And your boyfriend of almost four years who you’d just broken up with has been dragged into the thick of it.

You should be feeling a lot of things. But all you could feel right now was Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, they're together again.   
> Thank you for anyone reading this, it means a lot.


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You think about how it feels, being by Ben's side once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kind of filler-y, I suppose. I just wanted to convey readers feelings and memories, and everything she was experiencing after seeing Ben. The next chapter is very angsty so I thought I'd give a little break, first.

Your mind was reeling. 

The way he looked at you, the way he held you - gripping you so tightly, as though you’d fall apart in his arms if he didn’t hold you tight enough. You hadn’t quite processed your initial emotions from seeing him, but you’d been swiftly bundled into the passenger seat of Ben’s black SUV, a still-tear stained Alec crawling into the back seat next to Hux. A dark sedan swerved into action behind you as Ben pulled onto the street.  
“The Knights,” he explained, when you looked frantically out of the window. “They’ll be watching.” 

The drive to the airport was short, but you used the time to try and ground yourself - to try and settle your heaving mind.

It had been so long since you’d last seen him. Since you’d run, since he’d screamed your name over and over, until you’d ran so far, you couldn’t hear him anymore. 

You’d given up your protection, you’d given up that entire life - you just had to try to live without him. It was one thing, to be attached at the hip to a best friend. It was another situation entirely, to have your life be dependent on them. Ben was your first friend - he’d been there since you were born. And most times, it felt like he was your only friend. Your world revolved around him. He’d taught you how to shoot a handgun, how to fight and how to hold a rifle. He’d taught you how to stitch a wound back together - which you became much better at than him, so whenever he was hurt, you’d fix him. 

You’d both been homeschooled - it was far too dangerous to have either of you in public school. Were any of your family’s rival’s to come looking for revenge, the rest of the student body would be in danger. So, though he was three years your senior, you helped each other with your work. You were creative, artsy. You helped him with his English and Art work, and he helped you with Math and Science.  
When he came of age, and began his journey to taking over the First Order - and rearranging it, making it stronger and better than it had ever been before - you hadn’t left his side.  
As a child, you had Han and Leia as your protection, and so did your parents. As an adult, though, you’d have to make your own way, and that could get you killed quicker than it would bring you power. Leaving would have been the most sensible option.  
But you wouldn’t. You couldn’t. Not without him.  
So, you stayed. You became Lady Ren, at Leia’s request, and you honed your skills. You could never be as good at inflicting terror as Ben was through his alter ego, Kylo Ren, but you weren’t far off. People feared him, and they began to fear you, too. 

For most of your lives, you had only each other. Of course, you had Hux, Phasma, Poe, the Knights - but your relationship with them, though very close, could never come close to what you had with Ben. It never would. Nothing with anyone, no matter how amazing they were, could compare to what you had with Ben. Not even Alec. 

You had worried, initially, that he’d have chased you. He committed himself to protecting you, so when you ran, when you tried to build a life outside of him, you half expected him to come barrelling in your door at any minute.  
But he didn’t.  
And in fairness, part of you knew he wouldn’t. He was too respectful of your wishes.  
He’d found your apartment, though, that much was clear. Three weeks after your great escape, a note was slid under the front door of your apartment. 

_**I won’t bother you. We will leave you alone.  
But not without protection.  
You won’t notice them watching. They won’t report back  
unless you’re in danger. I hope you understand.  
You won’t hear from me again.  
Ben.** _

You wanted to be angry, to be mad that he’d found you, or that his men would still be watching you. But you weren’t. You were, in a sense, grateful. As soon as Dryden Vos noticed you had suddenly disappeared, he wouldn’t hesitate to try and find you, and his intentions certainly wouldn’t be good.  
_You won’t hear from me again._  
And, as much as you’d intended for that, seeing it made it all the more real. How were you going to live without him?

You did, though not brilliantly. You worked a low paying job - your first ever job, too - and had to live with several roommates. You drank. A lot. It started out as a party thing, at first. You’d never really partied or anything, not before you left the First Order. You’d had wine at the bi-monthly meetings, and sometimes you’d have whatever drink Ben was having at his apartment when Hux and Phasma came over for business discussions (and sometimes, just to hang out), but that was it.  
However, your apartment was fairly close to the local dive bar, and, well. It escalated from there. You’d spent the better half of the past four years on a never-ending bender with a never-ending hangover to match. Seemingly fitting, that a bar is exactly where Ben would find you.  
You had Alec and some decent friends, but it was all...bland. No matter how much you drank or how much fun it looked like you were having, it all paled in comparison to the life you’d lived before. It was all boring, all pointless, without Ben. But you couldn’t go back. You’d left, and leaving was final. 

Yet, there you sat. Four years later, at his side again.  
Though the cynic in you kept trying to remind you that this wasn’t permanent. It wouldn’t be for long. Just until the threat was dealt with, and then he’d leave. You’d be without him again. 

_You have no right to be sad, you’d tell yourself. You have no right to miss him, you left **him** behind_. 

Oh, but you did. And you feared the moment that the threat was extinguished because you weren’t sure if you could say goodbye again. You weren’t sure if you could let go again. In all honesty, you never really had. 

You were pulled back into reality by Ben’s voice, repeating something he’d already said, but you hadn’t heard.  


“Did you hear me?” he spoke softly, realising you were likely deep in thought about all that had just happened. “We’re here.”


	6. Chapter Five

The jet was exactly how you remembered it. Even the staff was the same. They greeted you warmly as you boarded, telling you how much they’d missed you. You’d smiled and nodded, trying to hold yourself together. You felt as though you were on the brink of collapse. 

You sat down in an armchair by one of the windows, peering out onto the dark runway. It was raining, as it usually was. You couldn’t help but think if you’d ever see this city again. Would the threat be rectified? Could you be protected? Had the damage already been done?  
Fleeing the Order and Ben’s protection just because you got scared was a silly mistake. Childish. You’d put yourself in danger, and by proxy, Ben too. He’d do anything to protect you, even if you weren’t on speaking terms. So, now most of the First Order was in danger, and on the brink of war. All because you _ran away_.  
You were taught better than that. By Leia, by Han, by your parents. By Ben. You were taught to be brave, to stand and to fight and to face up to your problems. Kill them, bury them if you have to, but don’t run. Cowards run. You weren’t a coward. Until you were. 

You’d entirely forgotten that Alec was there until he sat down in front of you. Ben watched from the other side of the plane, Hux pouring himself a drink and sitting beside him.  
_God, what an unfortunate fucking situation_ , you thought. _The second I break up with my boyfriend of the past four fucking years, this shit show begins._

He didn’t say anything at first. Just looked at you. His eyes were still red.  
“So,” he breathed through his nose, looking down. “You’re absolutely not who you said you were.” He gave a sad chuckle, and you couldn’t help but feel a little anger.  
“Of course I’m not,” you said, itching with irritation. “I can’t exactly go around telling people my past, it’d get you shot.”  
“You could have told me, I thought we told each other everything!” he exclaimed, a tear falling from his eye. You thought for a moment about how much of a mistake it was, choosing the most sensitive person you’d ever met to date. Not that sensitivity was a bad thing, but in the back of your mind, you knew this day would come.  
“It was too dangerous,” you shook your head. “I couldn’t risk you putting your nose in the wrong place, asking the wrong person the wrong question, and getting yourself killed.”  
He shook his head, pausing for a moment.  
Your eyes flicked to the side. Ben was watching, his expression blank. You hoped that, from his distance, he couldn’t hear your hushed tones. You assumed he was watching purely to make sure an argument didn’t break out on his plane. 

“Did I ever mean anything to you?” Alec finally said, his teary eyes flicking upward to meet yours. “Or was all of it a lie?”

“Everything I told you, everything you think you know about me, is a lie, yes,” you said, trying to be as honest as you possibly could. “But I cared about you, and I still do, just not in the way you do for me.”  
_And not in the way I care for Ben._  
But you left that part out. 

Not wanting to make the situation any more tense, or awkward, than it already was, you rose to your feet slowly. Christ, all you wanted was to run to Ben and cry.  
So, you did. Because you could.  
But you didn’t run, lest you add any more unnecessary dramatics to an already dramatic situation.  
You came to a halt in front of him, and he looked up at you, almost confused. Hux coughed, and swiftly moved away, sitting with Alec instead. Likely not his brightest move, but perhaps he could reassure Alec - in that stern yet believable way he had about him - that things would be okay. For him, at least. Crimson Dawn wasn’t after _him._ He was here as a precaution, for his own safety. 

“What is it?” Ben said quietly, not understanding why you were there. He truly thought you still hated him, that you wanted to be as far away from him as you could possibly get on a private jet. He thought that your embrace at the bar had been one of adrenaline, shock, even. You couldn’t have meant it. Surely, you wanted nothing to do with him - he was nothing to you, now. 

You weren’t sure why you were there either, other than not being able to completely resist the urge to throw yourself onto him and cry into his chest. You didn’t know what to say, now that your conversation could hold its own agency, without having to relate to what the hell he was doing there, or why you had to go with him. You knew what you wanted to say, but there was too much. A novel-length book wouldn’t even cover half of it. You didn’t know where to start.  
After a minute or so of just staring at him, making Ben all the more confused - and concerned that you were experiencing shock - you finally spoke. 

“I’m sorry.”  
Your voice came out far quieter than you’d intended. Ben looked taken aback.  
“Sorry for what?” he asked, genuinely confused. He was the one who’d just ripped you from your now-normal life and interrupted your break-up with your boyfriend. “I should be sorry for all of this.” he said, waving his arm in a gesture to the plane, and everything else.  
You shook your head. “No, because it’s my fault we’re here.”  
Ben was stunned to silence. He leant back slightly, but didn’t say anything, so you continued. 

“I still can’t explain why I ran because I don’t know, I was scared...I guess, but I don’t know why I was. I mean, I was raised into this, you taught me everything I know, I don’t know what it was that scared me so much. I was stupid, I was selfish and childish and put myself in danger, knowing that would put you and the order in danger too. And it sucked!”  
You were crying now, tears spilling from your eyes and streaking your makeup. You gave a pathetic laugh.  
“It really sucked, all I did was drink myself half-way to death because I missed this - this stupid, weird, dangerous family. I missed the violence! Does that make me crazy?”  
You laughed again, and Ben smiled slightly. His eyes were glassy, there were tears threatening to spill - but he stayed stoic. Under control. Unlike you, as always.  
“I missed New York, I missed the dinners, I missed your parents, I missed your cousins, I missed Hux for fuck’s sake, I missed everything,” you choked on a sob. You were dangerously close to unravelling.  
“And I missed you, I missed you so much, Ben, I missedyouimissedyouimiss-” your half psychotic rambling was interrupted as Ben quickly grabbed your wrists, pulling you down next to him and wrapping you in his embrace. One had was wrapped tightly around your back, the other rested on the back of your head as you buried your face in his chest. You were going to ruin his suit with your tears and, if we’re being honest, phlegm and whatever other fluids were going to find a way out of your face. But you felt safe. He was like a tower, completely encompassing you. 

He hushed you, rocking you gently back and forth, like he used to do when you were kids. The memory only made you sob harder. 

He gripped you tighter, and his shoulders shook slightly as he lost his control over his own tears.  
“I thought you were happy,” he began, petting your hair as you continued to sob. “My men, they said you were happy, so I left you alone. All I’ve been doing is missing you. All I’ve wanted is to have you back, for you to be right here, where you’re supposed to be.”  
He worried he’d overstepped a boundary with that, but when you said nothing - only cried a little harder and clutched the back of his suit jacket a little tighter - he assumed it was a fact you actually welcomed.  
“God,” he swallowed a sob, wanting to be strong for you. “I missed you so much, [Y/N]. I missed you so fucking much.”  
After a few moments of silence on his end, and your sobs slowly winding down, you spoke. You’d wanted to pull apart from him, to look at him, but your face was covered in tears and you weren’t a pretty crier. You didn’t want him to see you like that. 

“Can...Can I come home?” 

You almost couldn’t believe you’d said the words until they’d already left your mouth. There was a voice in your head that screamed at you that this was just temporary, that you’d have to go back to your life of normalcy, because you’d chosen that. You’d abandoned the First Order. You could never go home. But still, you hoped. You hoped against all odds that you’d be allowed to rejoin your old life. And now that you were so emotionally drained with little left to lose, you asked if you could.

Ben blinked, forcing you off him so that he could hold your shoulders. You resisted, trying to cover your face. “Stop, stop,” he said, grabbing both of your wrists in a vice-grip with one hand, and trying to grab your face with the other, but you kept turning it away. “Stop it, look at me,” he said, trying again to get a firm hold of you. He sighed. “ _Stop_ ,” he said sternly, finally grabbing the side of your face with a gentle but firm hand. He turned you to face him.  
When he saw you, the pleading in your eyes, your mascara running down to your neck - his breath hitched. He’d never tire of your face, and even like this, at your worst moments, you were beautiful. And as much as he wanted to tell you that, he didn’t. He simply caught a rogue tear with his thumb, accidentally smearing more mascara across your face as he did. His eyes travelled your face, and you felt more self conscious than ever. You didn’t have to see your reflection to know exactly how you looked.  
But all Ben could think of was _you_. How he finally had you, right here, when he thought he never would. You were safe, you were in his arms, and so help him if anything or anyone dared get in the way of that again.  
“You’re never leaving my sight again,” he said lowly. Your stomach flipped. “I finally have you back, I’m not letting you go again,” he offered a small smile. “I couldn’t take watching you leave again.”  
You shook your head, fresh tears welling in your eyes.  
_Christ_ , you thought, _not again_.  
“Me neither.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much for reading.


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I know Hux is a bit OOC. I'm writing him as a semi-nice human being for the sake of the story. He cares deeply about reader and Ben, and not much else. So for the most part, he is true to his nature.

The flight was, by and large, horrific. You’d spent an hour or so just sitting with Ben, mostly in silence. You just wanted to feel him, be near him. So you’d sat cuddled up to him while he played with your hair, just like he used to do when you were kids. You couldn’t sleep, though, no matter how many times Ben told you to try. You were too anxious, your body charged with emotion and your mind flooded with questions. 

_Would the Order welcome you, or consider you a traitor?  
Would you still have your old friends? Phasma, Poe? Or would they retreat from you due to your actions? What would Han and Leia think? They probably loathed you for abandoning their son.  
How would they even react? How would you react?  
Would Alec be okay? How would they get him home? _

You’d spent some time just sitting in the toilet stall, your head in your hands, avoiding the reality of what lay beyond the cubicle door. You fumbled with your phone, swiping through photos you’d taken of yourself with Alec, and your other friends you’d met on your escapade away from the First Order. Though the memories were happy, the relationships were dull. Perhaps not to them, but they were to you. They were lacking the honesty, the loyalty, the electricity you felt with Ben. They were even bland in comparison to your other First Order friendships. You felt guilty for not feeling much of, well, anything, about leaving them behind. You ran back into Ben’s arms and the lure of the First Order without as much as a second glance back to the life you’d built. Part of you felt as though you should feel shame for that. The other part of you didn’t care about anything that didn’t involve being back at Ben’s side. 

You jumped halfway out of your skin when there was a knock on the cubicle door. You felt nauseous from anxiety, and the force of your jump nearly made you vomit. 

“[Y/N]?”

You scrambled to collect yourself, straightening your clothes and flattening out your hair. You’d been running your hands through it, and it was looking less than fresh as a result. You opened the door to a concerned looking Hux. He smiled at you softly. 

“How are you holding up?”

You let out a heavy sigh, leaning against the frame of the cubicle door. You eyed him, taking in the features of the friend you’d dearly missed. He looked the same, just a little older. You really had missed him. 

“I’ve been better,” you offered him a warm smile. “But I can’t fucking wait to go home.”  
He chuckled. “Well, thank God, because we’ve been hoping for it.”  
“Really?”  
“Really,” he reached out and gave your shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “He’s missed you. A lot. And so have I, so has everyone. We’ve been a bit lost without you, you know.” he chuckled.  
You smiled. “I’ve been lost as hell without you guys, too.” 

Hux didn’t ask why you ran. He knew you’d tell him when you felt you could. For now, he was happy just to see you, and you were just happy that he was there. 

“So, what’s all this about,” you say, making a gesture around your face and nodding in the general direction of where Ben was. “You know, all this.” You make the gesture around your chin and mouth again for good measure.  
“Oh,” Hux laughed. “That’s his crisis beard. He’s had it since you left.”  
“Christ,” you chuckle, rolling your eyes. “If I’d have known that’d happen, I never would have fuckin’ left.”  
You both laughed heartily at that, leading to Ben’s head ducking underneath the door and appearing by Hux’s side.  
He missed your laugh. He’d follow it anywhere. 

“Everything alright?” he asked, smiling slightly. “Feeling better?”  
“Not as good as I’d feel if I slept, but I’m okay. I think,” you smile back. “How’s he?” you nodded in Alec’s direction.  
“Passed out on the recliner,” Ben said. “Hasn’t really said a word to me anyways.”  
You nodded, unsurprised.  
“We’re landing in a few minutes,” Ben continued. “Better sit down.” 

*****

The air was crisp. It was mid Autumn, and the leaves were changing, leaving New York in a wash of orange, yellow and red. It warmed your heart.  
You were jetlagged, though. It had been evening in your city when you’d left, and it was late afternoon in New York. You blinked away the grogginess, wanting to savour the sights of the city through the car window. 

As you passed through the familiar streets, you were flooded with memories of your old life. Memories of being children, running around without a care - Ben your assigned caretaker, as usual. He’d always have to run after you, making sure you didn’t run too far out of his sight. You fondly remember all the times he’d have to yank you out of the way of a speeding bicycle, and every time he’d grab your hand while you walked across the busy streets.  
“You get hit by a car, it’s on me,” he’d said, pulling you across the street. “And I’ll see you in Hell because your mom will kill me.” 

Your memories wandered then to being teenagers, and having your first beer with Ben on a rooftop somewhere not far from here. He tricked you into thinking it’d taste like strawberries. The damn liar. You choked and spat it out, all over yourself, and you made a show of wiping it off with Ben’s hoodie that you’d been sitting on. “Prick!” You’d yelled, loud enough for half the city to hear.  
He laughed so hard, he cried. 

You remembered then, the scuffles with other Order’s that you’d have in nondescript basements and alleyways, guns drawn and tensions high. You remembered Ben - or, you suppose, Kylo - flinging some poor unfortunate soul into a wall so hard, you heard their skull crack against the concrete. You remembered him shooting another man point-blank in the head, and you remembered the brain tissue sticking to your dress. You remembered the man whose throat you slit, and you remembered the man who you shot six times in the chest. Once would have been enough. But you were having _fun_.  
You remembered that night. The night you left.  
You remembered exactly what it was you were walking back to.  
You shuddered. 

You hadn’t realised you were crying until you felt a large, calloused hand encompass your cheek.  
“Hey,” Ben said softly, leaning over the centre console. You hadn’t even realised that he’d parked the car, or that Hux and Alec had already gotten out. “You’re home. It’s okay. You’re home.” 

You felt frozen. You looked up at the building before you. Ben’s building. He owned the top three floors, so he could house the Knights, Hux, Phasma and Poe nearby but still giving them apartments the size of houses. It called to you, in a way that felt like home. But something still wasn’t sitting right. You still didn’t feel like you were really...home. 

“I know,” you said, your voice trembling through your tears. “But I’m scared.”  
He paused, eyeing you sympathetically. “I know,” he murmured. “I know, but I’m here. You’re safe with me, I promise you.”  
You nodded. You knew that. You were afraid of...everything else. Of coming home. Of feeling like you’d outgrown the only place you felt you ever really knew.  
“Come on,” he said, getting out of the car and swiftly appearing at your door to open it. He took your arms in his hands, pulling you gently from the vehicle. “Let’s get you settled, alright? Get you some coffee and something to eat.”  
He coaxed you softly further into his arms, until he was almost entirely wrapped around you as you walked up the steps. You hadn’t even registered him passing his keys to the valet. Stepping into the elevator, he nervously pressed a kiss into the top of your head, resting his head there as he did.  
“You’ll be okay.” he whispered.

 _Now_ , you thought, _it feels more like home_.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was never up to me. Only ever to you. As long as it’s what you want. I’ll always want you,”

Walking into the penthouse felt strange. It felt half like coming home, half like a dream. You’d left it to your parents to sell your old apartment, that wasn’t too far from Ben’s. So, you supposed, Ben’s place was the closest thing you had to a home in New York. You weren’t quite sure how that made you feel. 

He hadn’t changed it at all. It looked almost exactly as you’d last seen it, save for it seeming somewhat colder. Not in temperature, but in atmosphere. It didn’t look, or even feel lived in. But it smelled like him. His expensive cologne, the cedar-wood incense that the cleaner would light to dull the smell of the sterile cleaning products, the smell of freshly pressed suits - it all smelled like him.   
A smell you missed. 

Ben coaxed you further into the apartment, guiding you by your elbow. 

You couldn’t help but notice how quiet he was - how aware he was of your emotional state. He was usually full of wit and attitude, defiant - oh, so defiant - and would often go out of his way to annoy you, to rile you up and laugh at you.   
And though he was always gentle, at least with you, it felt as though it was amplified now. He was treating you as though you were made of glass, like you’d break at any moment. And it irritated you.  
Had he forgotten who you were? What you’d done? Who you’d trained to be? Did he still see you as a child to be coddled and not a woman, who could handle herself? 

You had missed him - dearly, so much that it consumed you - but you didn't miss the feeling of being underestimated. Of being seen as a fragile child who could do nothing for herself.   
You ripped your elbow from his grasp, walking further into the living area unsupported.   
“I can walk by myself, you know.” Your tone was icy, and it startled him.   
“I know, I was just-”   
“Treating me like a baby again?” 

Your mind's eye flashed with images, memories of years ago. Of all the times you felt coddled, of all the times you felt like you just weren't seen. 

_You were sixteen, developing quickly, but not being mindful of it. Why should you be? You were young, you didn’t care - you weren’t thinking of what older men might think of you. You were a child. Why should you? So you pulled on a tank top to allow your skin to breathe in the dead heat of the New York summer. It had grown far tighter around your chest since last summer, but you thought nothing of it. You had plans to go to Central Park with Ben and relax in the sun. He had a day off training - which meant you did, too - and you were excited to spend it with him outside the confines of the apartment complex, and outside of stuffy training rooms. You whirled around the corner, out of your bedroom and skidded into the living area, where Ben was waiting.  
His mouth dropped open. He looked almost...confused? His face was contorted slightly in thought, and he took a sharp intake of breath.   
“Change,” he said sternly. “You’re not wearing that outside, change your clothes.”   
“What? Why? It’s too hot for anything else!”   
“I don’t care, change.”  
“Why? What’s wrong with me?”  
You felt stupid for asking, but part of you always hoped that Ben found you pretty. The other part of you was simply too stubborn to do as you were told. Especially by someone with no authority to tell you to do anything.  
He sighed. “Nothing, but creepy men are just gonna, you know, follow you around if you’re dressed like that. I don’t like it, I don’t want them looking at you.”   
“Well, you don’t get a say in that, do you? It’s my body, I can wear what I want,” you paused for a moment, looking down at your clothes. It was just a tank top and shorts. What was the big deal? “I’m not a baby, so don’t treat me like one.”  
But Ben didn’t let up. He wouldn’t let you leave until you’d changed. By the time you finally got out of your parent’s apartment, you were dressed in a sundress that fell to below your knees, and a denim jacket that scratched your arms and made you sweat with the heat. An outfit your mother loved on you, but you truly loathed. You spent the rest of the day feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, and you blamed him for it._

“What? No, that’s not it, it’s just-”  
The door swung open, and Hux sauntered in with Alec trailing sheepishly behind. Ben spun around.  
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you forget I bought you half of the next floor?” Ben seethed, irritated at the intrusion. “You know, so I can have _five_ minutes of privacy?”   
Hux ignored Ben, pushing past him and into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water, taking a swig. You noticed that Hux had changed into a fresh suit and fixed his hair.   
“Fucking unbelievable,” Ben muttered. “Will you get _out_? Both of you.”  
Alec was still standing feebly next to Hux, having followed his every move. He hadn’t made eye contact with you, and stared only at the tiled floor.  
“Your mother has requested a dinner to celebrate Lady Ren’s return,” Hux said, placing the bottle down. “Tonight, and your father suggested we invite your _favourite_ friend.” 

You were momentarily confused. Favourite friend? But you were -  
 _Oh. Oh no. Oh God._

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Ben snapped, “You’re seriously fucking kidding, right?”  
“Do I look like I am?”  
“Well why didn’t she call me? Why hasn’t she told me this?”  
“She said she tried but your phone’s off.” 

Ben swore under his breath. He raked a hand through his hair, his arm trembling. He inhaled sharply, then suddenly brought his fist down onto the breakfast bar with such force, it knocked Hux’s water bottle clean off the counter.   
“I don’t want him within a hundred fucking feet of her, let alone at the same fucking dinner table.” Ben was shaking with anger now, and you weren’t quite sure how to alleviate it. You pushed your own irritation aside, telling yourself you’d split hairs over how he treated you later on.   
“Ben,” you placed a hand on his bicep, and he instantly softened. “It’s okay, it’s fine. It makes sense.”  
“Wha-” he had turned to face you, but was struggling to form his words. “H-how does it make sense? He wants to _take_ you. Take you away from m- _us_. From the Order. It’s just walking you into his arms!”  
“Because,” Hux piped up, rounding the breakfast bar to stand by Ben’s side. “Seeing you two together, well, it might shut him up.”   
Ben scoffed. “Yeah, or rile him up. We just saved her from his men, now we’re gonna walk her right to him?”  
“You say that like he has any chance at taking me,” you said. “I put up one hell of a fight, you know,” you smirked, patting his arm softly. “And besides, they’d have to get through you first, wouldn’t they?”   
He smiled softly, and as much as he wanted to reach out and hold you, he didn’t. Alec’s stare was burning holes in the side of his face, and he wasn’t in much of a humour for a brawl. 

“Best be getting ready, then,” Hux sighed, turning to flop onto one of Ben’s large sofa’s in the living area. “You have…” he glanced at his Rolex. “A little over an hour before the car gets here. Oh!,” he said, turning to Ben who was pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes screwed tightly shut. “Can you get him something to wear?” he nodded at Alec. “Something of the Knight’s, maybe? Nothing I have fits him.”

Ben sighed deeply, dismissing Hux’s request with a wave of his hand. He turned to you, looking slightly sheepish.   
“I, uh, I left your room the same,” he said, shuffling slightly. “Your gowns and everything, they’re all still in there.”

You perked up at that. You’d forgotten all of the things you’d left there. Records, clothes, jewellery. You recalled one shirt in particular you hoped was still there.   
Ben followed you to your room, unlocking the door for you and stepping aside as you pushed it open. To your utter astonishment, Ben had managed to keep all of your plants alive. They’d grown considerably, lining the balcony proudly. You felt tears prick at your eyes as you looked to the corner, spotting your record player. Your mind briefly touched on a memory of dancing around the room like a woman possessed, Ben standing in the doorway, laughing. 

“Thank you,” you managed, after several moments of silently appraising your old bedroom. Your fingertips grazed across the silk sheets of the bed. “For keeping it this way. For not throwing anything away.”  
Ben seemed taken aback by your comment. “Why would I do that?”  
“I dunno, I just thought you’d want it all gone.”   
He shook his head. “No, I-” he swallowed thickly. He was constantly walking the precarious line between staying stoic and falling to his knees, professing his love for you. And it enraged him - never knowing what to say. He exhaled through his nose, looking to the floor. “I just. I hoped you would come back. Come home. I wanted it to be how you left it.”  
He refused to meet your eyes, despite your stunned gaze. Even as you stepped toward him, closing the space between you and reaching up to rest a palm on his cheek. His skin was hot, the muscles in his jaw twitched.   
“Thank you, Ben,” you said again, with more sincerity this time. “Thank you for letting me come home.”   
His eyes finally met yours, and he reached to hold your wrist. “It was never up to me. Only ever to you. As long as it’s what you want. I’ll always want you,” his eyes widened slightly upon realising what he’d said. “Want you here, I mean. In New York. Here.”   
You smiled. “All I wanted was to come home. Now that I’m here, it’s still all that I want, Ben.”  
He smiled - really, genuinely smiled. He pulled you into an embrace so tight, you almost couldn’t breathe. He’d often forget his strength, crushing you with his weight, but you didn’t mind. To be absolutely encased by him, well, how could you ever complain?  
“You should get ready,” he said, finally releasing you. “I’ll be right outside if you need me, alright?”   
You nodded, watching him slip away and toward the door.   
“Oh,” he said, turning to face you before he left. “Your First Order pin is in the glass jewellery box on the dresser. I was worried it’d fall off the table and get hoovered up. It’s the only thing I moved.” He offered a slight smile before he closed the door, leaving you to bask in the familiar smell of perfume and house plants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But we have to do something, we can’t just walk in with no plan and hope for the best.”  
> “Well, that’s always worked for Ben before.”  
> “Yes, well, it won’t help against Dryden Vos, I can promise you that,”

“This isn’t a terribly well thought out plan,” Phasma said, legs crossed. She sat on the edge of Ben’s sofa, sipping quietly on her champagne. “You do realise the consequences of this going horribly wrong, don’t you?”  
“Yes,” Hux grunted, setting his whiskey - neat, as always - on the glass coffee table. “I know, I know. But we have to do _something_ , we can’t just walk in with no plan and hope for the best.”  
“Well, that’s always worked for Ben before.”  
“Yes, well, it won’t help against Dryden Vos, I can promise you that,” he let out a sigh. “Have you got a better idea? Because it seems like our only option at the moment.”  
Phasma sighed, shaking her head. “This is going to end badly.”  
“I don’t have a good feeling about it either, Phasma, but it’ll have to do.”

“What’ll have to do?” Ben emerged from the hallway, dressed in his favourite suit. Adjusting his cufflinks, he approached them.  
“You look well,” Hux said. “Nice choice of suit.”  
“Don’t avoid the question.”  
Hux sighed, eyeing Ben as he sat on the sofa opposite Alec, who was sat silently beside Hux.  
“Well, we had to formulate a plan, you know, to account for him,” he nodded toward Alec. “And to shut Vos up.”  
“Let’s hear it.” Ben said, reaching over to the coffee table and pouring himself a glass of the same whiskey Hux had opened.  
Phasma sighed, shifting awkwardly. “For what it’s worth, I think it’s a terrible plan.”  
“Thanks, Phasma,” Hux said dryly. “A brilliant confidence boost.”  
She shrugged, “Did you want me to lie and say I thought it was good?”  
Ignoring her, Hux leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Essentially, we thought the best way to explain Alec, is that he’s her new bodyguard. You hired him because he’s fresh, not someone’s cousin or son or whatever. You sent him to guard her while she was gone, and now she’s back, so is he.”  
“That’s not that terrible,” Ben shrugged. “I mean, I’m assuming you’ve never used a gun or know how to, y’know, fight?”  
Alec shook his head.  
“So that’s the only problem with that story. So long as he doesn’t have to show off his lack of skills, then I think that’s a decent plan.” Ben took a sip of his drink, shrugging again. “Did you give him a gun?” Hux nodded, and Alec pulled the handgun from a holster inside of his suit jacket. He held it out in his hands, allowing Ben to appraise it. He nodded, ignoring Alec’s glare. “Do you know how to use it?” “No,” Alec said flatly. “Of course I don’t, I’m not a thug.” Hux raised his eyebrows at the remark, but Ben simply leaned forward intently. “You better watch your mouth before you become more trouble than you’re worth,” he warned. “Remember who you’re talking to.” Alec swallowed. “Well, I’m sure I’ll figure out how to use it. Can’t be that hard.” Ben leant back, eyeing Alec carefully before he turned back to Phasma. “It sounds fine to me.” “That’s not the terrible part,” Phasma interjected. “He hasn’t gotten to that yet.”  
“There’s more?”  
“Well,” Hux began, shifting nervously. “He’s going to be suspicious, you know that. He’s going to be up in arms about the whole thing. So what better way to make a point that Lady Ren is well and truly back, than to get engaged?” 

Ben almost choked. 

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?”  
“Well, if we have the entire family play along -” he cut himself off as Ben gave him that dreaded look. Pure and utter disdain. “Well what else would you suggest to get him off your back for ten bloody minutes?”  
“Not to be fucking engaged!”  
“You’re not really going to be engaged, Ben, Christ, it’s just to shut him up, the same way you’re not really together!”  
“What fuckin’ happens when a year or two passes and there’s no fuckin’ wedding, Hux, huh? What’s gonna happen then?”  
“Well let’s just hope that the bloody pretentious bastard is dead by then!”  
“Oh this is just,” Ben leant back into the couch cushions, both palms pressed so deep into his eyes that he could see stars. “Just fuckin’ terrible. It’s a terrible fucking idea.”  
“But you know it’s the best idea we have,” Hux finished. “I know that look.”  
Ben groaned. “She’s not going to like this.”

“I’m not going to like what?” 

When everyone turned to face you as you entered the open living area, you weren’t expecting their gazes to be so...intense. You suddenly felt uncomfortable in your own skin, smoothing out your gown self consciously. You nervously tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and fixed your eyes to the floor. You hated people looking at you in general, but you always _especially_ hated Ben staring at you. It made you too conscious of all of your flaws - of all the reasons he’d find to never love you. Not in the way you wanted him to, at least. 

You didn’t notice him get out of his seat, nor did you notice him approach you, until the tips of his dress shoes suddenly came into your line of sight. He reached out, crooking his index finger and hooking it under your chin, tipping your face up toward his. The gesture made your knees weak. 

“You look…” he trailed off, eyes flicking from yours to appraise your dress. You’d chosen a newer gown - well, new in the sense that you’d bought it shortly before you left and never wore it. One that he’d never seen. It was all black silk and lace sleeves, with tiny rubies and garnets scattered about the lace. Your First Order pin sat neatly on the left side of your chest. “You look beautiful,” he murmured, eyes meeting yours again. “Really, really beautiful.” 

You felt your cheeks tinge red. You hoped he didn’t notice on account of your blusher. 

“Thank you,” you looked down, suddenly feeling very aware of your proximity to Ben. “Um, what won’t I like, though?”  
He sighed, taking your arm in his hand. “Sit with us, we’ll explain.” 

** 

Your stomach was doing flips and you felt like you might vomit for the tenth time since you first saw Ben. 

You hadn't even had time to give Phasma much of a greeting - you had truly missed her- or to even consider Alec's glower. He looked borderline murderous, and now you understood why.

“I know, it’s a crappy idea-”  
“No,” you cut Ben off. “It’s not.”

You weren’t sure if it was the champagne talking, or if it was your wanton desire to snatch any tiny chance you could get to play out your fantasies. If this was the closest you’d ever get to being with Ben, you’d take it. You’d take it in a heartbeat, and you felt an unprecedented level of shame for even admitting it to yourself, but it was the truth. Lying to yourself for four years got you nowhere - in fact, it only hurt Alec and caused you strife. Being honest with yourself - well, it was painful, sure, and it was shameful and hurt your pride, but at least you weren’t dragging anyone else into the crossfire with you. Your heart - and your heart alone - was on the line. 

Ben raised his eyebrows, leaning back slightly. “What?”  
“Well, it might keep him quiet. He’ll question it, sure, but if we have answers for the questions, what can he prove? Everyone already thinks he’s a paranoid prick as is. He’ll look ridiculous trying to poke holes in an engagement. Especially at the top tier of the top Order in town. No one will take him seriously if he starts meddling.”  
“Exactly,” Hux interjected. “Besides, and I don’t mean this to sound weird, but everyone is waiting for the engagement anyway, everyone knows it’ll happen-”  
Phasma nudged Hux’s ankle with her heel. “I mean, outside the Order. You know, the people who think you’re together.”  
Ben shot him a warning look, then turned back to you. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want to go ahead with something that makes you uneasy.”  
“No,” you shook your head. “No, I’m sure. Anything to get Vos off my back.” you chucked, not noticing how Ben’s face fell ever so slightly.  
“Yeah,” he said. “Me too.”  
“So,” Phasma started, waving her hand slightly in Ben’s direction. “Do you have a ring? Or do we need to get one?”  
Ben looked down at his feet, swallowing thickly.  
“No,” he said quietly, shifting in his seat. “I have a ring.”

**

“Where did you get this?” Phasma asked as Ben laid the open velvet box on the coffee table. The ring was gold, glittered with blue and white crystals, with a large deep blue gem in the middle.  
“It was my grandmothers,” Ben said quietly, yet his voice was laced with nervousness. “My grandfather had it specially made for her.”  
“Why do you have it?” She pressed. Phasma never was one to take a round-about answer to a question.  
“My mother gave it to me. For when, you know. For if I ever found someone.” 

Ben tactfully left out the part where his mother pushed the navy box into his hands, telling him that one day, he’d ask you to wear it. And he took it, thinking that one day he would. That he’d find the courage, that he’d drop to one knee and ask you to be his forever.  
And, in a way, now he was. But not in the way he imagined. Not in the way he planned. 

“No, Ben,” you shook your head, pushing the box across the coffee table in his direction. “I can’t take this, I can’t use this ring. We’ll get another one.”

As much as you’d do anything - literally, _anything_ in this world - to be the one who got to wear that ring, to be the one who Ben called his, you couldn’t take it. You couldn’t waltz around in a family heirloom that was meant for someone else. Meant for the person he was truly to marry. And that person wasn’t you. It tore at your insides to know that it wasn’t meant for you, and the sheer lack of shame you felt in wishing that it was made your stomach turn. You had been a woman of pride, once. Back when you could somewhat control your feelings for Ben. Back when you were separated from him. But not now. Now, you were a pathetic, pining mess, and you wished you could help it, that you could stop it, but you couldn’t. 

“Why not?”  
“Because it’s not meant for me, it’s meant for the person you end up with.”

He looked hurt. You wondered if he felt as you did - that he’d end up alone with no one to wear that ring. You certainly felt like you’d end up as a senile old lady with no grand romance stories to tell, and no grandchildren to tell them to. Because no one could compare to Ben. So what was the point? 

He looked down.  
“But I want you to wear it.”  
“What? Why?”  
He inhaled shakily, wishing that he didn’t have an audience for this moment. “Well. It’s important to my family. You, well you are family. We grew up together. Spent our whole lives together. I know it’s not real, y’know, this whole thing, but I think my grandmother would like you and I think she’d want you to wear it,” his eyes met yours, and you felt your heart skip a beat. “I mean, your life depends on it, right?” He offered a small, weak smirk.  
You nodded slowly, smiling back. “Right.” 

When he took your hand in his, and when he slid the ring delicately onto your ring finger, you felt as though the galaxy itself had imploded between your ears. His eyes never left yours, and you truly, truly wished that you could live in that moment forever. The way his eyes shone in the light, the backdrop of the city lights through the windows, the way he so gingerly held your hands as though he could break them - it was perfect.  
Until Hux opened his mouth. 

“Car’s here,” he said, fixing his suit jacket. “Get yourselves ready to go!”

You quickly smoothed out your dress and grabbed your clutch from the coffee table. You turned to walk toward the door, but stumbled slightly. You hadn’t worn heels since you left - you’d always hated them, truth be told - and you felt like bambi on ice.  
Ben quickly grabbed your arm, steadying you.  
“Thank you,” you murmured. “I forgot how much I hate heels.”  
He smiled. “What kind of fiance would I be if I didn’t help my lady to the car, hm?”  
You felt your smile broaden. “Oh, don’t kid yourself, you’d be the worst anyway.”  
“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that, Bambi,” he smirked. “Or would you rather make your own way downstairs?” he moved away slightly, and without his support, you stumbled again.  
“Okay, I take it back, please don’t let me fall!”  
He laughed, pulling you close to his side. “Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 9

“You know, I think he might actually want to fucking murder you,” Hux hissed, gesturing to Alec as he grabbed Ben’s arm. They stood outside of the large, dark town-car, Alec and Phasma were already seated inside, while you awkwardly hung off of Ben’s other arm. “I’m not bloody joking either, Ben, I think once I give him his gun for the dinner, he’ll turn around and fucking blow your head off,” Hux sighed, then looked at you. “Might blow yours off too while he’s at it.” 

He wasn’t wrong. 

“Yeah, well,” Ben started, pulling you closer absentmindedly. “He’s lucky I didn’t leave him for Vos to play with, so he’d wanna wipe the attitude.”  
Hux gave him a warning look. “Who’s to say he won’t start blurting out whatever Vos wants to hear at the dinner, hm? He’s in the mindset to spite you.”  
“Because I’ll paint the fuckin’ walls with his brain if he opens his mouth, that’s why.” 

You nudged Ben at that. You might not have loved Alec, but imagining his head being blown to pieces was the last thing you needed before dinner.  
He gave you an apologetic look, though you knew he wasn’t sorry. 

“Listen,” Hux said as Ben guided you closer to the car. “I’ll talk with him, guide him through everything, make sure he doesn’t speak. But we’re gonna have to think long and hard about the longevity of this, of him being her guard.”  
“Well,” Ben said, holding your arm as you seated yourself inside the car. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, won’t we?” he released you, turning to face Hux.  
Hux scoffed, rolling his eyes. “That attitude will get you killed one day, Ben Solo.”  
Ben shrugged, smirking as he moved to get into the car. “Worked for us so far, pal.”

*

The ride was awkward, to say the least. Ben’s thighs touching yours, Alec’s tired eyes boring holes right through your core. Padme’s ring felt like it was burning through your ring finger. You sighed. You seemed to have a way of getting yourself into unexplainable messes.  
Ben’s hand moved to your knee, squeezing gently.  
“It’ll be okay. I promise.”  
You took in a shaky breath. “Doesn’t feel like it.”  
“Why’s that?”  
You shrugged, folding your arms protectively around yourself. Ben hadn’t moved his hand.  
“I dunno, I mean, I’m about to walk into a room full of people who probably hate me for abandoning the Order. I’m going to be sitting opposite a man who wants to either kill me or rape me or possibly both, and you know,” your eyes flicked briefly to Alec. “Everything else.”  
“Listen to me,” Ben said lowly, fingers gripping your knee while his other hand took hold of your jaw, turning you to face him. “Listen to me carefully, not a single person is going to lay a finger on you. Not Vos, not his men, no-one. I promise you that, because I won’t fucking let them. Secondly, no one in that room hates you, princess,” he smiled at you softly, the pet-name sparking memories of when you were children. “My parents, Poe...they’ve missed you. So much. All they want is to see you. To hug you, that’s it. They still love you, they always will. You have nothing to worry about.”  
You smiled, grateful for his reassurance.  
“Did you tell them? You know, about this?” You gestured to the ring.  
He swallowed, nodding slowly. “Yeah. They know it’s not real.” his words were so quiet, they were almost swallowed by the dull hum of the car engine. You nodded, reaching for his hand and squeezing it gently.  


The car came to a stop, and the driver gently announced your destination. Everyone began getting out of the car, but you tugged on Ben’s sleeve. A gesture you often did as a child and teenager to get his attention without touching his skin. You were shy like that, sometimes. He looked at you expectantly, but the look on your face told him enough. He waited for everyone to disembark, Hux giving Ben a knowing look as he closed the car door behind him, leaving the two of you alone.

“I just...before we go in there, I just wanted…” you sighed, frustrated with yourself. You didn’t know how to say what you really wanted to say. Didn’t even know if you should. “Thank you.”  
“For what?”  
“For everything you do for me. All of this, it’s insane and you do it to protect me. I’ll never understand why.”  
Ben’s face softened. He did. He did do it for you. And he’d do absolutely anything else if it meant he could keep you safe, keep you by his side. He’d do anything for you. 

He leaned in, engulfing you in his tight embrace. He buried his head in your hair as you squeezed him back, tears pricking at the corner of your eyes for how much you just loved him. How much you wished you could tell him so. 

“I think you know why, Princess,” he said, because you had to at this point, you must. “I think you know why.”

You pulled back, puzzled. But Ben wasn’t taking any questions on the subject matter. He released you, taking your hand instead.  
“Come on, let’s go.”

He held your hand tightly, leading you into the restaurant, where Hux, Phasma and Alec were waiting in the lobby area at the front. 

“Your parents are already in the back,” Hux said, and Ben noted the gun sitting awkwardly in Alec’s hands. He only prayed that the kid didn’t know how to cock it. “Remember,” Hux continued, gesturing to you and Ben. “Best show of your lives, I mean it. Unless you want this dinner to get bloody.”

Ben nodded. He looked down at you. Even in heels, you were dwarfed by him.  
“Did you bring your gun? I left it in your room for you.”  
You nodded, pushing aside the fabric of your dress where it slit down the side. The soft silk fell away to reveal the skin of your thigh, and Ben was so entranced he barely noticed the thigh holster with your gun seated snugly inside.  
“Of course.”  
“Remember how to use it?”  
You smiled. “I’m still a better shot than you, buddy, let’s put it that way.”  
He chuckled, “Well let’s just hope you don’t have to prove it to me today then, hm?”  
He squeezed your hand, and you felt dizzy with happiness. He made you feel so safe. The entire Crimson Dawn order could lay waste to the entire building and you wouldn’t mind. You’d feel safe with Ben, even under a hail of gunfire. 

“Shall we?” Hux gestured to the hallway that led to the back of the restaurant. The private room where your Order often met for meetings.  
Ben gripped your hand tight, guiding you forward.  
“God, I hope we’re believable.” you murmured, stumbling slightly in your heels. Ben moved you into his embrace, his arm around your waist to steady you. He scoffed.  
“You wanna know why I reckon Vos was never sold on this whole thing?”  
“Why’s that?”  
“Because he, and anyone else with a set of eyes, knows I could never get a girl as beautiful as you.” 

_They know I can never have you_ , he thinks. _They know you’ll never want me._

“Oh shut up.” you blushed, smacking his arm lightly.  
“What?” Ben smiled. “It’s true.”  
“It’s all in the make-up, Ben.”  
“Hey,” He moved in front of you, stopping you in your tracks. “I’ve seen you for most of your life without it. I’ve seen you cry it off. I’ve seen you sweat it off. And you’ve been beautiful every single time.” 

You didn’t know what to say to that. What could you say to that? You felt your eyes well up again, and you cursed yourself mentally. You were tired of crying. So you blinked back your tears, and simply gave him a knowing nod. 

“Now,” he said, tucking you back into his frame. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short, the next chapter will be up soon. Thanks for reading x

You couldn’t help but wonder. Did anyone else know what it felt like? To be so hopelessly and completely in love with someone - to the point where anyone and everyone else was spoiled for you. Because no one, no matter who they are or where they’re from, could ever compare. You wondered if anyone else knew that feeling of pure and utter helplessness, of feeling like you’re freefalling into a blackened abyss, with no one to catch you. No one to save you. Because you could never have them. Because they’d never love you back. 

Watching him, the way he moved, the way he spoke - it enraptured you. You couldn’t quite wrap your aching mind around him - how he managed to be so good, so decent, while still managing to invoke such fear in others. His presence was commanding and blazing, but there was light in there. You’d follow that light anywhere. You’d probably follow it to your death. You were acutely aware of the fact that that just may be exactly what you were doing. 

And not to quote The Smiths but...It wouldn’t be the worst way to go. 

Your feeling of impending catastrophe was quickly quelled by the familiar faces you had missed so dearly. Poe’s vibrant laugh, Leia’s soft smile, Han’s firm shoulder pat that always felt like it was about to send you through the floorboards. You hugged them all a little too hard, and a little too long. A silent apology for leaving them behind. They were your family, and you left them. Just like that. You knew you’d never forgive yourself, or ever be able to make up for that lost time.  
A hug would have to suffice. For now. 

You were standing off to the right, laughing as Han recounted a story of Leia’s home baking - a new hobby she’d picked up in retirement - gone wrong. You missed his stories.  
“It’s good to have you back, kid,” he said, offering you a kind smile. “I mean it when I say you were sorely missed. And not just by Ben.”  
You couldn’t help the sadness that enveloped you. You deserved it - to be feeling that consuming guilt - but God, did you wish for a second’s peace from it.  
“I missed you too,” You smiled, though you knew it was a sad one. “All of you. I’m so-”  
“Ah,” Han held up his hand, signalling you to silence. “Don’t. No apologies.”  
“But-”  
“ _No_ apologies. Listen, kid,” He laid a hand on your shoulder, and you felt that same wave of security that you so often felt with Ben wash over you. _Must be a Solo thing_. “You were young. You spent your whole life cooped up in this Order, and for what? You didn’t have to stay, it wasn’t your problem or your job to run it. You were a girl who deserved to know what life was like outside of fuckin’ gunfire and dinner parties. You deserved to live a little, unafraid. To have fun. And you couldn’t have done that here. You needed that break, kid, _believe_ me. No one thinks less of you for it. You needed it, you deserved it. You put your soul into this shit when you didn’t have to. We were always gonna be here when you got back.” 

_But what if I didn’t come back?_

You blinked the thought away.  
“Thank you, Han.”  
He gave your shoulder a squeeze.  
“And the ring, it looks beautiful on you.”  
You flushed red. “I really don’t deserve to be wearing this, not something of Padme’s, I-”  
“Listen, kid, when we gave that ring to Ben…” He trailed off for a moment, his jaw twitching. “We gave that ring to Ben for a purpose, for a reason. We gave it to him to give to you. Obviously, not under these circumstances, but you were always supposed to be wearing that ring, hon. He always meant it for you. And not to play pretend.” 

You felt the colour drain from your face. You could physically feel your blood turning cold, slipping from your cheeks. A wave of nausea threatened to spill into your throat, and you felt your hands begin to tremble. You tried to speak, you did, you really did, but all that came out were sharp breaths that came too quickly. You could see Han try to speak, trying to reason with you, but you couldn’t hear him. All you could hear was the blood rushing through your veins. Everything else just seemed like an echo. 

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Was all you could manage before your limbs finally connected with your brain, and you bolted for the ladies room, stumbling over a chair and half taking it with you as you went. 

Ben whirled around, only catching a glimpse of the hem of your gown as you disappeared into the hallway. Leia eyed Han sternly.  
“Han,” she said, a warning in her tone. “What was that?”  
“What the fuck did you _do_?” Ben hissed before his father could even answer.  
“What?” Han shrugged slightly. “I’ve been watching this fuckin’ song and dance since you were ten! If you won’t fuckin’ put an end to it then I will!”

“ _What_?!”  
Ben truly thought he might faint. He slumped against the wall, his eyes glassy. He could feel all of their eyes on him - Hux, Phasma, Poe, _Alec_. All Ben could think about was how absolutely _everything_ just had to have an audience these days.  
“Han,” Leia hissed, rushing to her husband. “You couldn’t have just let him-”  
“Let him _what_? He’s too damn stubborn to do anything and he gets that from you! I’m not watching another million years of this dance, Leia, _Christ_.”  
“Well that’s not your decision to make!” Ben bellowed, finally bringing himself back to reality.  
“Ben,” Han said sternly, “I want you to be happy. I want to _see_ you happy, I want to see you married and in love and have what you deserve. But you won’t fuckin’ just..let yourself have it. I can’t take watching you like this, Ben, it’s _ruining_ you.”

_Ruining you._

And to that, no one had a rebuttal. Ben simply fell back into the wall, running a hand over his face. 

Hux coughed. “Well, Vos will be here any minute. Someone should probably, you know. Get her.”  
“I’ll go,” Leia said, patting Han affectionately on the cheek. “And Poe, honey, can you get those waiters in here? The champagne is late and I think we’re in need of it.”


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note: I write in UK English, not American. I was acutely aware of the differences when my Chrome started to spell-check everything, lol. Things start to pick up in the next chapter. Thank you for reading x

Your stomach churned as you spewed champagne and bile into the toilet bowl. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d eaten. You hadn’t slept since last leaving your old apartment. You weren’t even sure when that was anymore. Time had started to blur.  
You heaved again, gasping as you scrambled to keep your hair out of your face. 

All this time, you had been running full speed ahead, away from him. You had spent what felt like a fucking _eternity_ suppressing an avalanche of _something_ for him. Something stronger than love. Because you couldn’t risk it showing, you couldn’t risk letting yourself really _feel_ it and succumb to it. No, because he’d know. He would have sensed the tension. He would have figured it out. And that would have changed everything, if he had. Because what if he didn’t feel the same? You’d have lost his protection, you’d have lost your best friend.   
You had even grown used to playing the role of Lady Ren - you’d known, just as everyone else had, that staying alive was far more important than feeling a little awkward at the bi-monthly meetings of the Orders. Having his arm around you every so often was a small price to pay for your protection. But you didn’t expect this. And it couldn’t have come at a worse time. 

Now, everything you thought you knew had shifted - it felt like the world had tilted on its axis and you couldn’t catch your balance. You couldn’t understand why Ben would have ever wanted to give you that ring of his own accord. You - the annoying little kid whose diapers he helped change.  
He’d been glued to your hip like a bad rash since you were born. One of the first photographs ever taken of you, was a three year old Ben trying to hold your new-born head up correctly as you lay in his tiny arms. He taught you how to shoot, he helped your father teach you how to ride a bike. You couldn’t imagine Ben seeing you as anything other than an annoying little child having to ride on his coattails to avoid getting yourself killed. 

Growing up, his mother and father would push you together, make jokes about your eventual wedding. It had made both of you blush and turn away from each other, suppressing laughter, which only spurred them on. You’d thought it was just a joke, because of how close your families were given their lines of work. 

The gleaming blue gems on your finger didn’t seem like much of a joke now, though. 

_Does he love me? Does he want me? No. No. No. Lock it away. Lock it away and throw away the key. You can’t lose him now._

Sitting on the closed toilet seat, you hunched over your knees. You didn’t know if you could face him. The whole situation was already a disaster. But this - everything you’d heard, it was only going to make it harder to play the part. Part of you thought you’d never have to play the part of Lady Ren again - let alone under such circumstances. Let alone in front of Alec, who was probably already reeling from the worst day of his life. This would be the last thing he needed.   
You felt sick at the thought of him. At how much seeing you cuddle up to the best friend he’d never known about - playing the part of his loving partner in order to stay alive - would break what was left of his heart. What he had heard only minutes earlier would have shattered him enough. He was an innocent bystander, caught in the crossfire because you were too weak to be alone. Too weak to put your feelings for Ben to rest. Too weak to do anything, other than scramble to have Alec fix your mind, to fix you. And he loved you, he did. He adored you, worshipped the gravel underneath your feet. And that was the plan - because if you loved Alec, then you’d fall out of love with Ben. Or so you thought.   
_Funny, how that worked out._  
You never wanted this. You never wanted any of this. 

Your thoughts were interrupted when someone called your name. Airy, dreamlike - but stern.  
You sniffled. You hadn’t even realised you’d been crying. Leia sighed softly and tapped on the closed cubicle door.   
“Come out here and talk to me,” she said softly. “You’ll feel better.” 

Leia was like another mother to you. She’d been there your whole life - an unfaltering, fearless leader and an unforgiving weapon, but with a level of softness and compassion that no one else in this godforsaken mob would ever know. You felt an unbelievable amount of guilt for not keeping in touch when you left. You knew she would have missed you like she’d miss her own daughter.   
You slowly unlocked the door and walked straight into Leia’s arms. She patted your hair softly as you began to quietly sob against her shoulder.   
_I’ve missed this_ , you thought. _My God, have I missed this_. 

“You knew,” you said, barely audible between your messy sobs. You weren’t a pretty crier, that was for sure. “Didn’t you?”  
“Of course I did,” you could feel her smile. “Everyone did.”  
You pulled away suddenly to face her, your hands on her shoulders. “He told all of you?” you said, bewildered. “How could everyone know, except for _me_?”   
You’d never felt so stupid.   
Leia smiled softly, raising a hand to your cheek. “He didn’t have to tell us, and he never has,” she pushed a stand of hair behind your ear. “He’s spent his whole _life_ dedicated to protecting you, even though he knows you can handle yourself. He hangs on every word you say and always has. _You_ are the main factor in every decision he’s ever made. Not to mention the mess he’s been since you left,” she laughed softly, still holding your face. She softened, and took a breath. “You’re all he’s ever known, and all he’s ever wanted. It was only ever _you._ ”  
________________________________________________________________________________  
The entire day, from start to finish, had been nothing short of an absolute disaster.   
Ben carded his hand through his hair, pushing air through his nose in frustration. Playing the parts of Kylo and Lady Ren had come easily to you as teenagers and young adults. It was easier then, to pretend that he didn’t feel anything. It was easier to put his arm around you then than it was now. Then, he was absolutely head over heels in love with you, sure, but he was cocky (and stupid) enough to think that no one else could tell. Least of all you. But not now. Not now that he’d had to face the weight of his decision to carry on as normal, as though those feelings were never there.   
He knew that, no thanks to his father, convincing Dryden Vos that you were still his lady would be made all that more difficult. How was he supposed to do anything when he felt like this anxiety would rip him apart from the inside out? Either that, or he was about to vomit. Perhaps both. He couldn’t tell. 

He was pacing back and forth around the dinner table when Leia returned. You weren’t far behind her, avoiding his stare and moving toward Poe, who was standing on the other side of the room.   
Ben was absentmindedly rubbing his jaw and silently listing off all of the reasons Alec had to abhor him, and perhaps use that gun Hux had given him, when Leia laid a hand on his shoulder.

“You should talk to her.”   
Ben paused, looking at his mother blankly. She knew. She’d always known. She’d been tormenting him about marrying you since he turned ten.   
“Are you insane? No thank you.”  
“I talked to her, Ben,” she smiled at her son softly. “Trust me. It will be so much easier to do this if you talk to her before Vos gets here,” she looked down. “If he suspects anything is off, you know there will be at least one person in this room who won’t be leaving here alive.” 

He inhaled sharply. There was only one possible way for this evening to go well, but there were hundreds of possibilities for how it could go wrong. Vos could suspect Alec - why would The Order hire a new guard externally? And why does he look so emotive? He could even recognise him as a boyfriend from having possibly been surveilling you for longer than anticipated, and that would be another kettle of fish altogether. How would he explain that one? How would he be able to convince Vos that you were engaged - that your protection was infinite and that he’d never left your side? It was a mess. 

He’d dreamed about telling you of his feelings since the moment he realised them as a young boy. But he never, ever thought he’d have to let the words leave his mouth. He _especially_ never thought he’d have to tell you minutes before having to pretend to be your fiance.  
No, he didn’t want to do this here. He really, _really_ didn’t want to do this here.  
Departing from his mother, he approached you slowly, giving an apologetic look to Poe as he softly pulled you away from him. His soft touch to your arm shot a bolt of electricity through your bones and the hairs on your arms raised slightly. You hoped against hope that he hadn’t noticed. 

Ben looked down at the floor, taking in an unsteady breath. 

“Listen,” he started, taking in another breath and raising a hand to nervously scratch the back of his neck. “I know my dad put you - put us - in a precarious position, here. I know. I don’t know what he was thinking,” he breathed out through his nose, finally taking you in. His heart did a backflip. God, he loved you. And he was so, so tired of pretending that he didn’t.   
He took another sharp breath.   
“And we’ll talk about it. We will, I promise. But not now, not before this, it will only make things worse,” he shook his head in disbelief at the situation. He still couldn’t believe they’d ended up here. “But I promise you this, I don’t care how weird it feels or how awkward it is, I’ll protect you and I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

_I’ll protect you._

The words spun and stuck in your head like a broken record.   
All you could do is look at him. Your eyes were locked on one another, but you couldn’t speak. You couldn’t move, you couldn’t do _anything_. Those feelings you’d left under lock and key were crashing through the door and it took every last bit of self control you could muster not to reach up and kiss him right there and then.   
When you didn’t speak, he continued softly.   
“I promise,” he said, his deep voice bringing you back down to earth at a steady pace. “I’ll take care of you,” you felt your mind begin to clear. Your anxiety started to dissipate. You hadn’t lost him. He was standing there, stoic and strong, vowing to protect you like he always had.   
You allowed a small chuckle to escape you, and you saw his eyes light up instantly.  
“Well, you might have your work cut out for you, all things considered,” you smirked. “Might be tough.”  
“I think I can handle it.” he breathed, watching as you smiled. He wondered if he could ever be worthy of seeing that smile every day.

"Guys," Hux called out, a finger pressed to his earpiece which was connected to the Knight's outside. "He's here. Positions. _Now_."


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I own Manhattan,” he said quietly. “And I’ll burn it all to the ground if it means keeping you safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't remember if I've clarified this or not - but Ben is referred to as such only by reader and his close associates, and only in private. In all other circumstances, he is referred to as Kylo, and reader will refer to him as such when he's in that head-space.

You were in less than a favourable humour. 

It had taken a few minutes of pacing by yourself to shake yourself back into character for Lady Ren. It wasn’t that you were nothing like her - quite the opposite, actually. You were everything like her, you _**were**_ her - confident, bold, impatient, witty. But you’d stifled that side of yourself for the last four years - lest you let yourself slip back into who you truly were and get yourself in trouble. The last thing the normal world and its normal people needed was you whipping out your hidden gun and getting trigger happy with anyone who dared test you. It was a habit you’d picked up from Kylo toward the end. It wasn’t intentional, but it made you look better, it made you look more...the _part._  
In any case, you were well and truly back in form, sitting at the table between Ben and Hux. Han and Leia had said their goodbyes after dinner, not wanting to interfere with an already tense situation.  
Poe guarded the door as Alec lingered behind you - acting like the perfect little body guard. Though you could feel his eyes boring holes in the back of Ben’s head as he snaked his arm around your shoulders. You felt a jolt of electricity dart through your bones, and you held back a small smile. The gesture had lifted your spirits slightly, but you hadn’t forgotten why you were scowling in the first place. 

Dryden Vos sat directly opposite you and Ben, eyeing you sceptically. He wasn’t pleased to see you, not in the slightest, and you certainly weren’t enthralled about seeing his unpleasant face either.  
He’d spent the past several minutes droning on about how wonderful it was to be part of the Crimson Dawn order, and how Maul had truly outdone himself by setting up such a _wonderful_ organisation. You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. There had been talk amongst you, before the dinner, that someone may be selling information to opposing Order’s, causing some high tensions over zoning. Leia had cleverly masked the meeting as a precautionary zoning discussion, in case such tensions were to form between The First Order and Crimson Dawn.  
He must have known as well as you and Ben that there was a rat among your ranks, and was doing his damnedest to make sure he was coming across as loyal - though you suspected he was anything but. 

Pausing for a moment, and allowing everyone else at the table a brief respite from the sound of his voice, he turned to you and Ben.  
“So,” he said, almost carefully. “I see you two are back...together?” he smirked, and you felt your blood boil hot. You opened your mouth to speak, but Ben squeezed your shoulder gently.  
“What makes you think we were ever apart?” Ben said without missing a beat. He took a sip of his whiskey, eyes not leaving Vos.  
“Well, if we’re being honest here,” Vos laughed, spreading his arms and gesturing to the table around him. “I don’t think you ever _were_ together.”  
You rolled your eyes. Of course, he was right, but he was the only one outside of the First Order that suspected anything. He was far too paranoid to fool. You considered confronting him about having his goons stalk you, but figured that it would be best to leave anything and everything that pertained to your absence unsaid. 

“Christ,” you muttered, not able to hold back. “You really are an insufferable git.”  
Ben choked back a laugh, and out of the corner of your eye, you saw Hux hold a fist to his mouth to conceal a smile.  
Vos shrugged. “Maybe so, but I know I’m not wrong.”  
“You strike me as someone who thinks they’re never wrong,” you said, playing it up and resting your hand on Ben’s which was resting on your shoulder. You felt him twitch ever so slightly from the contact. “And one day, that’ll bite you in the ass,” you paused. “We don’t owe you, of all people, an explanation as to why I’ve not been around.”  
“Perhaps, perhaps,” he smiled coldly. “But, see, I’d like to know why. Well,” he chuckled. “I already do, but I’d love to hear you _say_ it.”  
You clenched your jaw. “Do you just, like, not listen to people when they speak to you?” you ground out. “Or is it just the women?”  
He chuckled again. “I just want to hear that I’m right, is all,” he smiled.  
“The whole point of this meeting is to talk about zoning,” you spat. “And you seem to be missing the point of that entirely.”  
Ben gave your hand a squeeze and gave you a side-eyed glance, warning you not to test Vos further. No one wanted this night to end in blood if it could be helped, least of all him. He was wearing his favourite suit.

“I don’t know why you think I have the patience, or disrespect to my own privacy, to be getting into my personal affairs at the dinner table with you, of all people,” Ben chided, swirling his glass of whiskey in his free hand. “Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?”  
_Kylo Ren is out in full force today_ , you noted.  
Vos grinned. “Not in the slightest, my friend, not in the slightest,” he leaned back in his chair, tucking his hands behind his head. Ben had to stop himself from reaching for his gun and shooting him right then and there. He’d shot men for less when it came to you.  
“I’ll make you a deal, and I won’t tell anyone your dirty little secret, hm?” he winked. “Because as soon as the other orders know that she’s not really _yours_ , that she doesn’t _really_ carry your name…” he raised his hands in a mock-shrug. “She’s fair game. To kill or to take.” 

Your blood ran cold at Vos’s words. Everyone saw you as some helpless little rag doll and it infuriated you. Either that, or they saw you as a toy to fantasise about, to think of stealing and raping. It was exactly why Leia had made you take on the role of Lady Ren in the first place. At least you’d be safe.

In a flash, Ben was on his feet, gun cocked and ready, and Vos was staring straight down the barrel of it. At that moment, you could see his face shift. He wasn’t Ben anymore, Ben was gone, clocked out - gone home, gone somewhere else. Kylo Ren took his place, all consuming rage and boiling hot vengeance gushing through his veins. 

“You so much as _think_ about her, let alone look at her again-”  
Vos cut him off sharply, grinning despite his grave situation. “Oh, I’m already thinking about that pretty face-”  
Kylo moved so fast, you’d barely seen him pistol whip Vos across the face, with such force you were sure he must have broken his nose. Kylo grabbed him by the collar and brought his face inches before his own.  
“Now, listen, or I’ll gauge your fucking eyes out too,” he hissed, absolutely seething. Kylo was feral, purely animalistic. You almost worried he’d lost his ability to lie or stay in the act. His eyes were too clouded by rage to possibly be able to think straight.  
“You fucking think about her again, look at her again - if you ever fuckin’ touch her, I swear to you now,” he brought his gun to Vos’s temple. “You’ll be dead before you hit the ground, and I’ll send your fuckin’ hands to Maul in a gift box and throw the rest of you in the Hudson, you hear me?”  
Vos said nothing, he simply gritted his teeth. Blood was gushing steadily from his nose. Kylo shook him by the collar. “I asked you a fucking question, do you hear me?”  
Vos gave an imperceptible nod. “Good,” Kylo grated, shoving Vos back into his seat with full force and standing to his full height above him. He cracked the gun across his face again, this time, harder. A gash formed on Vos’s left cheek, and the blood splashed onto Kylo’s suit. “Because she’s mine, _mine_ \- you understand? Mine. You don’t get to fuck with what’s mine.” 

Your heart stilled in your chest, your throat constricting. You weren’t even sure if you were breathing.  
You couldn’t quite tell if he was acting or not, if he even meant it, but the words still chilled you to the bone.  
_Mine_. 

Pulling away from Vos, Ben looked pointedly to his men, who’d come rushing through the door only seconds earlier, likely having heard Ben yelling. Before they could pull their guns on Ben, he, and everyone else seated at the table, pulled out their own and pointed them at the flustered goonies, yourself included.  
“Get him out of here,” he nodded to Vos. “And make sure Maul knows that if he pulls this shit again, I won’t be sending him home with a bloody nose. He’ll be going home in a fucking casket,” Ben paused, eyeing Vos carefully. “If at all”.  
____________________________________________________________________________

“Well,” Poe stood behind Hux, leaning forward with his hands on the back of Hux’s chair. He had an expression of complete disdain painted on his features. "That got a lot more complicated than it needed to be." 

Vos’s men had hurried him out of the restaurant at record breaking speed. Ben had simply returned to his seat beside you, muttering under his breath about the blood on his favourite suit. You were still too stunned to speak, and you could _feel_ the anger radiating from Alec behind you.  
You didn’t dare look, though. You didn’t want to catch his eye - you’d have to deal with your own guilt, then. Of course, you had broken up with him not long before, and whatever was happening with Ben was an act - at least, it was supposed to be - so there was, in theory, nothing to feel guilty about. Yet, you felt it anyway, and it seeped into your blood like a toxin.

“Agreed, and,” Hux sighed, glancing to Phasma as he spoke, who had been sitting in a stunned silence. They’d all seen Kylo Ren lose his temper, but never in an explosion quite like that. “I suppose it’s safe to say that The First Order and Crimson Dawn are no longer on the finest terms.”  
Ben grunted.  
“Maul will be scrambling to fix the mess tomorrow, he needs us,” he fiddled with his sleeve, still examining the stains. “Crimson get in our bad books, I can take Hell’s Kitchen right off them without a hitch. They _need_ us.”  
“Well, Vos doesn’t seem to think so,” Phasma finally spoke. “I don’t know what possessed him to act so stupidly and put his whole order in danger.”  
“He’s an arrogant prick who only thinks of himself,” Ben grated. “He only cares that he thinks he’s being lied to, nothing more.” 

Your eyes fell to your hands that were clenched in your lap.  
“He’s not going to back down,” you said, so quietly that Hux almost hadn’t heard you. If there was anything you remembered about Dryden Vos, it was that he was nothing if not fucking persistent. “He’ll come back, and come back harder, and angrier, now that you’ve broken his nose,” you say pointedly to Ben. “He won’t stop until he gets what he wants.”  
“Which is what?” Poe asked.  
“My head on a spike, or him taking me for himself like the sick fuck he is.”  
Ben tensed, his fists clenched and his jaw twitched.  
Alec was yet to say anything - unsure of what to say when he had no idea what was really going on.  
“Over my dead body,” Ben said. “He will literally have to fucking kill me to get to you and I mean that with my whole being.”  
“He’ll have to get through all of us,” Poe added, and Hux nodded with him. “The entire First Order will be behind you, Ben, to protect our Lady Ren.” Poe smiled softly at you and gave you a sly wink. 

You turned to Ben, who was looking at you intently. 

“I mean it, he’s not gonna get to you, he’ll never touch you, trust me,” he said sternly, eyes not leaving yours. His hand reached for your cheek and he cupped your face gently - this was not something that would normally happen in your act. In fact, there was no one in the room to keep the act up _for_. Your stomach flipped as his eyes searched your face. 

“I own Manhattan,” he said quietly. “And I’ll burn it all to the ground if it means keeping you safe.”


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written slightly like a song-fic, as the premise of this entire chapter was inspired by Turnover's song, Dizzy On The Comedown. The lyrics appear as the characters hear the song being played, if that makes sense? Enjoy x

No one else in their right minds would be going for celebratory drinks in the finest, most high-end bar that New York had to offer right after breaking someone’s nose (and perhaps, by proxy, starting a war), but The First Order did. Well, at least, _some_ of The First Order did. You thought to yourself that the entire Order wouldn’t fit in the bar. You practically had your own army, after all.  
Hux, Phasma, Poe and, without a choice, Alec, followed you and Ben inside. It was one of those high-end places with neon signage and velvet couches that had deviated from playing normal club music, opting for indie bands you’d never heard of instead. You were lavished in compliments by the staff, who were all too eager to tell you about how much they’d missed you. As usual, you got seated in a cordoned off, out-of-the-way area that stood over-top the main floor of the club, overlooking the less fortunate party goers, with as much champagne as you pleased. And my God, did you need it after the day you’d just had. 

Ben had always had a high tolerance to alcohol - one that you could now match, considering how much you’d drank over the past four years. He’d had some whiskey, but didn’t seem to be feeling the effects of it, other than a slight increase in courage. Neither of you were looking to get drunk. You weren’t too keen on the idea, anyway. You hadn’t eaten since leaving your city, nor had you consumed anything _other_ than alcohol.  
Though you didn’t realise it, Ben wanted to ease his anxieties before he spoke to you about what Han had revealed to you. And he didn’t realise that you were seeking to quell the same fear. 

You sat down next to him, and he shifted uncomfortably. He looked down, taking an unusual interest in his glass of champagne, swirling it around slightly.  
Hux busied himself with Phasma, while Poe attempted an awkward conversation with Alec. Poe turned to you, giving you a slight nod with an expression somewhat akin to, ‘don’t worry, I’ve got this’, despite Alec’s expression of complete and utter disparagement. But the atmosphere was all wrong. It was loud, hot, and not at all where you wanted to do this.

_♪ ♫ I want to know about you  
I'm spinning all around you ♪ ♫_

You sighed, gulping half of your champagne in one go. Ben looked up at the sudden movement of your head tilting backward to allow the liquid to slide down your throat.  
“Someone’s found a taste for poison, huh?”  
His attempt at lightening the mood made you feel no less anxious. You forced a smile, looking down at your hands. You didn’t know what to say, or where to start. So you said nothing, opting to toy with the fabric of your dress instead. It was expensive, and the fabric felt like nothing else you’d touched in the last few years.  
Ben was the first to break the awkward silence. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees.

“Have I ever told you how grateful I am that you’re such a loyal person?”  
Your head snapped up at the odd statement. “What do you mean?”  
Ben shrugged slightly, looking back to his glass. “Four years, you’ve been gone, and you came back without question,” he didn’t look up as he spoke, remaining focused on his champagne as though it was the most interesting thing in the room. “You didn’t hesitate. You took my hand and came straight home, straight back to the First Order. I gotta say,” he let out a quiet chuckle. “I was half expecting to have to drag you out of there. I didn’t think, in a million years, that you’d want to come back to this.” He smiled sadly, still not looking at you.

_♪ ♫ If I stay, do you think that we could change your routine?  
I know a trick, I've always got a few up my sleeve  
This life is controlled confusion  
It's just a grand illusion ♪ ♫_

You weren’t quite sure how to respond to that. You hadn’t thought of it as being loyal to the First Order - though you were, and to a fault at times. You only thought of it as being loyal to him.  
“It’s not like I could help it,” You still fiddled with your dress, only glancing up at him once, just in time to see him turn to face you. “You wouldn’t lie to me, Ben, I knew you were serious. I knew you wouldn’t come unless you had to,” you trailed off for a moment, considering your next words carefully. “I’d follow you anywhere, to be honest. I trust you with my life, of course I’d follow you,”  
Ben raised his eyebrows, sitting back slightly. He sensed you had more to say, so he said nothing.

“I mean, and I know this is dumb because I’m the one who ran, but I always hoped you’d come for me. I knew you wouldn’t, I knew you’d give me space and you’d respect my decision, even though it was fuckin’ stupid,” you laughed slightly, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “But I always hoped you’d come and take me home, that you’d just show up, you know? And then you did. So of course, I went with you. I know I needed to, but I wanted to, too.” 

__

_♪ ♫Let it hypnotise you  
I'm still here, right beside you ♪ ♫_

The music blared, and you tried focusing on it to quell your anxiety as Ben stayed silent. He was just...staring. Looking right at you - or through you. He was thinking, you knew that. But you just wished he’d say something.

“Do you want to dance?” 

But not _that_.

“What?” you furrowed your brow. “You hate dancing.”  
Ben smiled bashfully. “I do, but, I dunno...I actually know this song, and I mean. When was the last time we danced?”  
You thought for a moment. “Jesus, I don’t know. Drunk with Hux or something, probably. Years ago.”  
“I meant, just us. When have we ever danced, just the two of us?”  
Your mind went blank. You probably did as kids, but you couldn’t quite remember.  
“Uh, never, I don’t think.”  
He held out his hand.  
“Dance with me?”  
If he was nervous at all, he didn’t show it. What you didn’t know, though, was that his heart felt like it was about to leap up his throat as he felt your fingers interlock with his.

__

_♪ ♫ Hold my hand, you can follow my lead  
You're like a ballerina twirling round on your feet  
And watching is so fantastic  
I want to ask you...♪ ♫_

Ben watched as you spun around beside him. He had let go of you, fearing he would make you uncomfortable by pulling you as close as he wanted you. He let you move away, the hem of your dress swaying around your ankles as you spun. He was just so...enamoured with you. He could watch you all day.

For so long, he’d thought about what it would be like to dance with you. Even though he hated it, he just wondered what it would be like - to see you, feel you moving around him. Happy, joyous. Elated. He dreamed of it. And now that it was happening, it dawned on him that he’d barely moved at all since standing up.You twirled closer to him then, and he felt dizzy with nerves as your hands brushed his. They lingered there, for a second. You wanted to see, just wanted to check...Just wanted to see if he’d take them. And when you looked up at him with those eyes, with that face - he did. He almost couldn’t help how close he pulled you. 

__

_♪ ♫ Would you come here and spin with me?  
I've been dying to get you dizzy  
Find a way up into your head  
So I can make you feel like new again ♪ ♫_

__

“You’re not dancing.” You laughed.  
Ben smiled, beginning to move with you. “I just wanted to watch you for a minute.”  
_Christ_ , he thought. _Couldn’t have phrased that any creepier, could you, Ben?_

__

But you just smiled up at him in that way that you did. The way that made his knees weak and his breath catch in his throat. The way that made him melt. He spun you around gently, his hands warm and gentle on yours. You weren’t sure if it was the sleep deprivation, the champagne or if it was just him, but you couldn’t remember the last time you felt so... _happy_. 

Until everything shattered. Quite literally. 

__

_♪ ♫ So try and collect yourself now  
It's just a euphoric comedown ♪ ♫_

Your brain hadn’t quite registered the danger, or what was even happening, as yours eyes fell to Alec who had somehow gone through the glass table that held your champagne. Poe darted to him, dragging him to his feet as Hux bellowed at Ben to get down. He dove to the side, pulling you behind one of the plush velvet couches as he tugged one of his guns from his holster and loaded it. Hux crawled around the corner to the other side of you just as the gunfire started.  
“What the fuck does that fucking prick want now?” Ben yelled, more to Hux than to you. You weren’t sure what he meant, or who was even firing on you.  
“You, probably,” Hux said, loading his own gun and peering around the side of his couch. “For breaking his fucking nose.”  
_Ah. Who else would it be?_

You were just so tired of Dryden Vos. You were tired of his stupid face, and his stupid name, and you were tired of his stupid order. You pulled your own gun from your thigh holster, eyeing the steel barrel. 

_Knock em’ dead, princess._

Ben had had it inscribed. A gift, for your sweet sixteen. You wondered how it would feel, killing Dryden Vos with a gun inscribed with the word ‘princess’. Satisfying, you hoped. 

__

_♪ ♫ And you ask me "How do you feel when you're away?"  
And you ask me "How do you pass the days?"♪ ♫_

The gunfire hailed down, piercing the back of the couch and narrowly missing your shoulder.  
“We need to move,” you said. “This isn’t good cover.”

You weren’t sure how many of the bullets that were flying belonged to Poe or Phasma - you were fairly certain Alec didn’t even know how to hold his gun, let alone shoot it - and how many came from the opposing side.  
You turned to Hux. “How many of them are there?”  
“Him,” Hux grunted. “And four men.”  
“So, even numbers,” Ben said. “Could be worse.”  
“Well, Alec is a bit of a dead-weight, isn’t he?” Hux chided. “So I’d say it’s a little less than even.”  
Ben grunted as another bullet flew past. He moved to the side, peering around the couch and shooting several rounds of his own.  
“We need to fucking _move_ ,” you yelled, “I can’t get a good shot from here.”

Ben turned, surveying his options. There wasn’t really anywhere to go except for down. Hop the balcony and jump to the floor beneath. He chewed the inside of his cheek in thought. Nodding to the railings, he looked to you and Hux.  
“What do we think, kids?”  
“Think we might break our legs,” Hux said plainly. “Might be better than a punctured lung, though.”  
“You won’t break your legs, it’s not high enough,” Ben said, shifting to face the railing. “Maybe your ankles, though.”  
“Ah, what a lovely way to end an evening,” Hux snipped. “A shoot out and some ankle shock for dessert.”  
You simply shrugged. “I’ll take ankle shock over a bullet.”  
Ben nodded, glancing around what little he could see. Gunshots still echoed over the music. You wondered who would run out of ammo first.  
“Can you see Phas and Poe from your side?” Ben asked Hux, who craned his neck around the side of the sofa.  
“No,” Hux said, then looked again. “Well, yes, I can see Poe’s hair if that counts as anything for you.”  
“So you can’t signal them from here.”  
“Well unless he has eyes in his hair, Ben, no, I can’t.”  
“We’ll just have to go for it,” Ben said, readying himself to move. “We’ll draw them off, give the others time to move.”  
You sighed.  
_Never a dull moment._

__

_♪ ♫ Cause I can still remember when you were afraid of the dark  
And I told you to come, and you followed where I asked you to go, to go ♪ ♫_

Ben grabbed your free hand.  
“Nothing’s gonna hurt you while I’m around, Princess. Got it?”  
“Got it.”  
He nodded, signalling to Hux to ready himself. Several more bullets rained down, cutting through the back of the sofa. Ben dragged you to your feet.  
“Go!” He yelled to Hux, who was first to hurl himself over the railing, crashing down onto the dance-floor beneath. He narrowly missed a kissing couple.  
“Go, now, Hux will help you when you fall,” Ben said urgently, pushing you forward. You grabbed his arm instinctively. “I’m right behind you, I promise.”  
You nodded, darting forward.  
 _Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, if you think, you won’t jump._  
Without a second thought or any consideration for your heeled shoes, you hurtled over the balcony railing, catching a glimpse of Ben standing to his full height as you went. He fired off two shots before darting toward the railing.  
You landed awkwardly on your side, and Hux hurried to drag you to your feet. You could already feel the bruises on your ribs. You just hoped that they weren’t broken.  
“Come on,” He said, pulling your arm. “We need to fall back.”

But before you could even acknowledge his words, let alone move, you heard Ben roar. He toppled over the railings and landed on his feet, but immediately collapsed forward onto his knees.  
“ _Fuck_.” He spat, clutching his left shoulder. You saw the blood, then, blossoming through his white dress shirt.  
“Jesus Christ.” you cried out, rushing to him. Hux hauled Ben to his feet, pushing him backward and through a crowd of party-goers. It was a pity that New York was in the state that it was in. No one batted an eyelid at the blood, or the gunshots. Though perhaps it said more about the attendees of the club than the city itself. You weren’t sure if you were being followed, you weren’t even sure if Poe and Phasma had seen you move. 

“Why is it always me that gets shot?” Ben gritted his teeth as you pushed open the fire exit door,and Hux pushed him into the crisp night air. The alley was dark, with little street-light. But you could make out a dumpster toward the end, and you pulled Ben toward it. “Like I don’t have enough fuckin’ scars already.”  
“Because you’re always the one flying in front of the fucking bullets.” You said, guiding Ben to sit down on the cold cement.  
“I’m calling the car,” Hux said. His hair was dishevelled and he looked awfully flustered. “I’ll try get word on the others.” 

“Let me see this,” you pushed Ben’s hand away from his wound. The blood had seeped further down his chest, and you felt yourself begin to panic. You inhaled an unsteady breath as you moved your hand to his back. Feeling a pool of wetness, you let yourself sigh in relief. A through and through. You could stitch that up. “It went straight through, I can stitch that up at the apartment.”  
You looked at him then. His eyes were glassy, but they were locked intently to yours. He said nothing. You felt as though he was staring right through you.  
“Ben?”  
Again, he said nothing. You weren’t even sure if he heard you. He lifted a hand to your face, trailing bloodied fingers across your cheek. You grabbed his wrist to get his attention.  
“ _Ben_?”  
He blinked. Inhaling sharply, he tried to sit up a little straighter. “There’s a kit in the car,” he said, signalling that he’d heard you. “We shouldn’t go straight back in case we’re followed.”  
You nodded. “Okay,” you kept your hands on either side of his wounds, putting pressure on them. You recalled all of the times you had stitched him up before. You couldn’t remember ever feeling this panicked. “Okay. I’ll fix you, I’ll fix this, I promise.”  
Ben leaned forward, pressing his forehead to yours as you crouched before him. “I’ll be okay, Princess, it’ll take more than this to take me out.” 

You heard footsteps fast approaching, and you instinctively reached for your gun. You turned sharply, only to see Poe running towards you, Alec and Phasma in tow. Phasma’s glittering dress was dirty with something, and every ounce of blood had drained from Alec’s face as he staggered behind her. He wasn’t hurt, but certainly about to go into shock.  
“Jesus Christ,” Poe panted as he reached you. “I’m so sick of that snivelling looking fuck-”, His eyes found Ben’s blood soaked shirt. “Why’s it always you with the bullet wounds?”  
“I fly in front of the bullets, apparently.” Ben leaned his head back on the concrete wall. He nodded to Alec. “He looks like he’s about to throw up.”  
“Oh, he already did,” Phasma hissed. “On _me_ , and my favourite shoes.”  
Alec didn’t even seem to hear anything being said. His mind was worlds away.  
“He’s gone into shock,” Ben added flatly. “What the _fuck_ happened up there?”  
“The fuck should I know?” Poe raised his arms in a show of exasperation. “Everything was fuckin’ fine, you were dancing, we were talking, Hux was ordering more drinks, then the door flies fuckin’ open and those bastards walk in hailing gunfire like fucking mad men.”  
“How did you get out?” You asked, turning your attention back to Ben’s wound. “We couldn’t even see you in there.”  
“When you hopped the railing, they ran off pretty quick. First I thought, yanno, they were gonna try cut you off in the hall downstairs, but guess they didn’t.”  
Ben chuckled. “Should have known the damn coward would run. He wouldn’t wanna be spotted fucking up Maul’s favourite club, now, would he?”  
“But who let them in? The security knows damn well that section is for us and us only.” Phasma added, gripping Alec by the bicep as his knees began to shake, threatening to give out.  
“By force, I’m assuming,” Poe said, glancing around the alley. “Where’s Hux?”  
“Calling the car and looking for you.” Ben grunted in pain as he shifted.  
“Stop moving,” you scolded. “You’ll make my job harder.”  
Ben only smirked.

The sound of tires screeching broke the brief silence, and just as the dark town-car screeched to a halt before you, Hux flew out of the exit door.  
“Right,” he said loudly, coming around to help you pull Ben to his feet. “Everyone in. Now.”

As you all clamoured into the spacious vehicle, you turned to Ben. “You’ll have to open your shirt more so I can get to the wound.” You almost felt shy asking him, as if it was a daring request and not an essential one. He observed you for a moment, then nodded and tugged at the shirt, buttons popping off as he ripped it to expose his entire shoulder.  
“Is that the Gucci shirt you’re ripping?” Hux asked incredulously.  
“Yup.”  
“Oh for _fuck’s_ sake,” Hux leaned back in his seat. His eyes fell to Alec, who was leaning slightly forward and looking very, very shell-shocked. His skin was clammy and his lips were dry. “And _you_ ,” he nudged Alec’s calf with his foot to get his attention. “Don’t you _dare_ get sick in this fucking car.”  
Alec’s only acknowledgement was a slow blink before turning his attention back to the floor. 

Poe handed you the first aid kit, and you fumbled for the sutures as the car turned a corner. Ben’s eyes never left your face, and you wondered how well you’d be able to concentrate if he didn’t turn his attention elsewhere.  
“What?” You asked, cleaning around the wound with antiseptic.  
He shook his head. “Nothing.”  
“Then why are you staring?”  
He eyed you carefully. “I’ve got four years of lost time to make up for,” Ben said quietly. “Just taking you in.”  
You stilled your movements, eyes meeting his. You often felt as though your entire soul was dancing whenever Ben looked at you. The power he had to make you feel so helpless, so vulnerable, was downright pathetic. You nodded. “Okay.”  
He reached forward, moving your hair out of your face as you got back to work.  
“So,” he smiled, leaning back against the headrest. “Glad you came back? Miss the fun?”  
You scoffed. “I’ve come to realise that life without the Order is just plain boring.” you smiled up at him and he raised his eyebrows inquisitively.  
“Is that so?”  
“Oh, for sure. But yanno,” you began, suddenly feeling shy as a blush crept to your cheeks. “You make being here that extra bit better.”  
Ben exhaled as he began to grin slowly. He tilted his head to the side slightly, peering at you through your hair as it fell back in front of your face. He reached up and pushed it back behind your ear once again. His fingertips left white hot trails across the shell of your ear.  
“Only the best for my Lady Ren.”


	15. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The way you smiled up at him, the way your cheeks flushed red and the way your tears began to flow freely - Ben had never felt more in love with you than he had right then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this is quite a long chapter. I had a lot I wanted to address. Enjoy! x

Leia had always said that Ben was just like his father. Quick witted, funny and impulsive. She always said that he’d be just as charming as his father, too - that he’d be able to talk himself out of anything and, if that didn’t work, shoot himself out of anything.   
Ben knew he was all of those things. Except charming. He never seemed to get the hang of that one. He never had anyone he wanted to ‘charm’, per se, except for you. And he was never sure if it worked. Though now, he desperately needed it to work. He couldn’t lose you - couldn’t bear the thought of your hands touching anyone else, of you smiling up at anyone except for him. He wasn’t worthy of it, but Christ, did he want it. He needed it. 

The car stopped at a red light somewhere in Brooklyn. You’d been driving around aimlessly for over an hour, in hopes that any chance of being followed was quashed. Ben often pitied his drivers. Sure, they were paid well, but they certainly put up with more than they bargained for when they were hired. Ben made a mental note to hike up their pay the following month. 

Hux, who had been silent for some time, folded his arms across his chest. “I told you, we should have brought the Knights.”  
Ben exhaled loudly and shot Hux a warning look. You had just finished stitching up his back, and had settled back into your seat between Ben and Poe.   
“I mean it, Ben, so much of that could have been av-”  
“Think about this, Hux,” Ben said through gritted teeth. “Do you really think it wise to start with me tonight?”  
Hux was silent for a moment, before rolling his eyes.   
“Look,” Poe interjected. “This obviously isn’t a problem that’s gonna go away. We’re gonna have to figure something out.”  
“Like what?” Hux said, crossing one leg over the other. He sat opposite Poe, between a passed-out Alec and a stoic Phasma. “A war is the only way out of this.”  
“Why does it have to go that far?” you sighed, “Why does everything have to be all or nothing around here?”  
Poe shrugged. “Listen, it’s not like we made the rules. But how else are we gonna deal with this? The man won’t stop unless he’s dead.”  
“Right,” Phasma added. “Killing him outside of a declared war would only cause a war. Better to declare it, then kill him in the process.”  
“Exactly,” Poe said. “Clean cut. No mess. No fall out.”  
“How can we be certain that none of the other orders will side with them?” You asked, pondering the stance of the Mandalorian's in particular. You never quite got a handle on where they stood.   
“Oh, I’ll make sure of that,” Ben finally spoke, “I’ll make sure everyone knows exactly how intolerable Dryden Vos is.”  
Hux hummed in agreement. “It’s a big no-no to be going after a bosses fiance, even worse to try and take her by force, which I can only assume is what tonight was about.”  
Your stomach turned at the thought. Had the evening gone any differently, you could have been a prisoner that night. You shuddered.  
Ben grunted. “He never would have gotten within a foot of her.”  
“You’ll have to make an engagement announcement,” Phasma said, “Send it out to the other Order’s.”  
Ben’s face dropped.   
“I’m stalling that for as long as possible.”  
“What?” Hux asked incredulously, moving to face Ben. “You don’t really have a choice here, Ben, you have to do this before we declare war!”  
Ben clenched his jaw, and you turned to face him with those pretty, wide eyes. He felt his heart flutter.   
“What do you mean, Ben?”  
“I have a plan,” he said. “We’ll announce it, we’ll declare war, everything will go to plan. Just, give me time.”  
“Time is something we clearly don’t fucking have, Ben!” Hux wailed, making Alec jolt awake from his comatose state. Hux turned to regard him. “And you’ll have to make some sort of announcement about him, too. Vos and all his men have seen that he clearly can’t hold a gun. Suspicions are going to rise.”  
“This is a royal shit show.” Poe muttered, leaning back in his seat.   
Ben rolled his eyes. “Then tell them I fired him for incompetence or something, I don’t care what you tell them.”

Ben had barely finished his sentence when the driver’s partition screen rolled down slightly.   
“Sir Ren,” the driver stated respectfully, “I think we’ve picked up a straggler.”  
“Great.” Hux said plainly.   
Ben clenched his eyes shut in a show of exasperation. “This _day_ , I swear to God,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Try and lose them if you can, Charles, I’d rather not have to shoot somebody’s tires out tonight.”  
“Of course, sir.” 

Your heart began to race as the car accelerated, swerving quickly to the left and down a side street. You already had a headache from dehydration, but the sudden jolts of the car as it swerved back and forth through one alley to another only made it worse. Alec wasn’t looking any better, and he leaned forward, placing his head between his knees.   
“So help me, God, if you vomit on this upholstery, I’m throwing you out of this car.” Hux said sternly, watching as Alec inhaled deeply in a poor attempt to settle his churning stomach.   
“Would you cut the kid some slack?” Poe said, gripping the passenger handle above the window for support as the car swerved again. “It’s not like he asked to be here.”  
Hux opened his mouth to speak, but Ben quickly interrupted him. “Don’t start fucking fighting,” he pulled you close to his side as the car jostled again. “Charles?”  
“Haven’t lost him yet, sir,” The driver said through clenched teeth. “He’s quite persistent.”   
Ben sighed, winding down his window and unfastening his holster. 

“Oh, for fuck’s _sake_ ,” Hux muttered, begrudgingly climbing over Phasma to the opposite window. “Tell me when.”  
Ben loaded his gun, peering ahead into the drivers rear-view mirror to study the car behind them. He shifted, pushing you back into Poe. “Everyone, down,” he said, laying a hand on your back and pressing you forward into your knees.   
He looked to Hux as he positioned himself, and nodded slightly. “Now.”   
Both men hauled their torso’s midway out of the car windows, shooting at the tires of the following car. You heard the swerving, the gunshots ringing in your ears. Your hands flew up to cover them, the force of the sound making your eardrums quake. Several seconds later, you heard the piercing sound of shattering glass, and you pushed yourself further into your knees as you felt the shards litter your back and your hair. Ben grunted.   
“ _Fuck_.” With that, he released a new hail of bullets, and you heard the windscreen of the second car shatter. Moments later, you heard the crash, as the intruder's car skidded to the side and smashed into the wall of the alleyway.   
Ben hauled himself back inside, and Hux swiftly returned to his seat, pushing his hair from his face.   
“Take us home, Charles,” Ben called out. “I think we’ve all had enough for today.”

**

As the town car pulled up outside of Ben’s apartment building, Alec barrelled out of the vehicle, vomiting all over the concrete as he went. Hux groaned in disapproval, hauling Alec up by under his arms and dragging him toward the door.   
“Sorry about him,” you called after Hux, but his only response was a strained grunt as he pulled Alec up the front steps. Ben appeared behind you, his hand pressing into the small of your back. The simple touch sent a shock-wave through your spine.   
“Let’s get you inside, you look exhausted.”  
“Coming from the man who’s just been shot?”  
Ben smiled. “I’ll have mom send the doctor over tomorrow,” he promised, and you were thankful that the order still had their own doctor on hand. God knows, they’d saved you many questionable hospital visits over the years. “I promise, but first, we rest.” 

As Ben gently guided you inside the penthouse, his face fell upon seeing Hux, Alec, Poe and Phasma already inside. He grunted.  
“It’s almost like I didn’t buy you all your own apartments.” He muttered, closing the door behind him.   
“Well, we never got to finish our drinks,” Poe said cheerily, holding up a freshly poured glass of champagne. “We still gotta catch up with our Lady Ren!”  
You smiled, looking up at Ben hopefully. And well, who was he to deny that face? He nodded, smiling at you softly.  
“Can we order pizza?” Poe asked, already having whipped out his phone.   
“Sure,” Ben replied, nudging your shoulder. “You need to eat. And sleep.”  
“Mm, I know,” you replied, feeling somewhat airy. Like you were floating. The lack of sleep was certainly getting to you. “But I missed everyone, and I wanna have a drink.”  
Ben chuckled, guiding you to the sofa, watching as Poe handed you a glass of champagne. “You’ve had drinks.”  
You pouted as Ben guided you to sit down, and he sat down beside you with a glass of his own.   
“Hey, hey, none of that,” Ben murmured, stroking your hair. “Enjoy yourself, princess.”  
And the way your face lit up only reminded him of the impending conversation you still had to have. Only reminded him of the way he loved you. 

As the hours passed, and the early hours of the morning crept in, Ben watched as you floated around the living area in your bare feet, heels long since discarded. Phasma had put on some music, and you were spinning around with Poe as he danced with you. Hux sat next to Ben, laughing for the first time all day. You just felt so...happy. Nothing mattered. Crimson Dawn didn’t matter, not even Alec who was laying on the sofa with a cold towel draped over his forehead as he slipped in and out of sleep. None of it mattered at all. You felt light. Dreamy. Airy. Warm. You had your eyes closed as Poe spun you around when you felt a large hand on the small of your back, anchoring you back into reality, out of your dream like state.

“Can I steal her for a sec?” Ben said to Poe, taking your hand in his. Poe winked as he released you, grinning and sauntering toward Hux.   
“What’s up?” You smiled, as he pulled you flush to his chest. He ran his fingers through your hair, and you sighed softly.   
“Just wanted to dance with you,” he murmured, moving you around softly. “Maybe talk with you.”  
“Hmm?” you hummed, snuggling into his chest. The champagne had you feeling warm, affectionate. “About what?”  
Ben exhaled shakily. He gripped you a little closer. “Just, you know. That stuff my dad said.”   
You raised your eyebrows, pulling back from his chest and peering up at him curiously. You’d almost forgotten about your conversation with Han, the commotion at the club and worrying about Alec had pushed the situation to the back of your mind.   
“Oh.”  
“U-unless you don’t want to talk about it, we can wait.”   
“No, I do.”  
Ben’s eyes were slightly glassy as they met yours. He reached up, brushing your hair away from your face. He chuckled nervously. “You know, I came over here to talk about this and now I don’t even know what to say.” 

Your stomach flipped. As exhausted as you were, anxiety still crept into your veins. Your throat constricted and your mouth ran dry. You weren’t sure if you were ready to have your fantasies quashed. You’d been dreaming of life with him since you were a girl, and as unrealistic as your fantasies seemed, you weren’t ready for him to rip them from you. 

You swallowed. 

“You don’t have to say anything, I guess. Not if you don’t want.”  
His hand trailed down your cheek. “I do. I just don’t…” he trailed off, chuckling nervously. “I don’t know where to start.”   
You took a breath. You hadn’t realised that you were shaking until your eyes fell to your hands, which were placed flat on Ben’s chest. You moved them upward, reaching up to wrap them around his neck. You heard his breath catch slightly.   
“Well,” you started, nervously chewing your lip. Your heart began to race, and you battled to control your breathing. “Was he right? Was what he said true?”   
You knew that Leia had filled him in on exactly what Han had said, and though he wasn’t angry at his father, Ben really did wish he could have done this differently. His eyes met yours, and his heart stilled.   
He nodded so softly, you almost couldn’t tell.   
“Yeah,” he whispered, his breath unsteady as he inhaled. “Yeah, it is.”   
“Do you still feel that way?”  
He paused for a moment, then nodded slowly. He looked as though he might cry. 

The butterflies in your stomach became so severe, it felt like you were about to throw up. You felt tears prick at the corners of your eyes. You weren’t sure if you could speak, though you tried. But your mouth barely moved. A tear spilled from your eye, and Ben caught it with his thumb.

“I’m sorry,” He murmured. “Please don’t cry. We can forget this.”   
You shook your head violently. “I don’t want to forget this.”  
Ben looked at you quizzically. You took a breath and continued, laughing nervously. “I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment.”

Ben exhaled roughly, his hands shaking as they cupped your face. He gave you a teary-eyed smile, and though his eyes were glassy, you were positive you’d never seen them so bright. The way you smiled up at him, the way your cheeks flushed red and the way your tears began to flow freely - Ben had never felt more in love with you than he had right then. 

“I love you,” he breathed, the words tumbling out of him too fast. “I never stopped loving you. I’ve always loved you.”   
Fresh tears cascaded from your eyes, and you couldn’t help but laugh. So long, you’d been wallowing in self pity, when you could have had him this whole time. “I love you too, Ben Solo.”

All you wanted to do was kiss him - to finally feel what you had been imagining for so many years. But before you could, you heard a loud yelp from behind you. You’d forgotten that you hadn’t been alone with Ben.  
Poe whistled, and Hux clapped his hands.   
“Jesus _fuck_!” Poe cried out. “How many years did that take?”  
“Too bloody many,” Hux almost groaned. “The stress of waiting for this has taken at least 15 years off my life.”  
“So help me, God, Ben Solo,” Phasma smiled, pointing to Ben with her champagne glass. “If you don’t kiss her, I’ll kill you myself.”   
Ben laughed loudly. “Hey, now, can’t I do one thing today without you guys watching?”  
“Oooh,” Poe cooed. “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”  
“Alright,” Ben chuckled, releasing you. “Out, all of you, you’re like stray cats that just won’t fuck off.” 

As Ben hurried everyone out, your eyes fell to Alec, who was sitting up on the couch, glaring at the coffee table. Ben had agreed to let him stay there, to give Hux a welcome break from babysitting him. You felt guilty for laying the stress of Alec on Hux. You felt even worse knowing what he had just heard.   
His eyes flicked up to meet yours, and he stood up quickly. He stumbled slightly as he turned, bee-lining for the bathroom. You sighed, following him, swaying slightly as you went. You were truly exhausted. 

The guilt you felt stuck in your throat like glass, and every step toward Alec made it that much harder to swallow. When you reached him, you realised he was already crying. You shut the bathroom door behind you softly, and took a moment to steady yourself.   
You felt as though you were about to keel over, and your eyes stung with tiredness.  
You broke the silence.   
“Alec-”

“You have no idea what this _feels_ like,” Alec almost wailed, tears staining his face and continuing to flow freely. “And you clearly don’t care!”

You were trying to keep yourself level and even tempered. The exhaustion you felt was a tightrope - you knew yourself how quickly you could become enraged when you were tired. And you also knew all too well how venomous you could be when you flew off the handle - and Alec didn’t need that right now. What he really needed was a hug, but you weren’t sure it would be appropriate, lest he get the wrong idea. 

“I know what you heard was sucky, but I did tell you, at the bar, how I felt for Ben. I know it’s not fair, I’m sorry I dragged you into this, but I was clear with you about it before we got here.”  
“That doesn’t make it fucking easy!”  
“I know, I’m sorry. I really am.”  
“No you’re not. And look!” He waved his hands, gesturing to the room around him. “I’m stuck in his fucking home because I can’t leave! Stuck in the home of the guy you wanted instead of me.”  
“You’ve missed the point of all this entirely,” you say, shaking your head slightly. You were very, very tired of men not listening to you today. “You’re here for your protection, not because I want you to be or because I want to hurt you further.”   
“Well, that makes it better, doesn’t it?” he spat.   
“I broke up with you! I literally told you, seconds before Ben even walked into the bar, that I couldn’t be with you anymore, that it wasn’t _right_!”  
“So, did you know he was coming?” Alec prodded. “You acted so surprised but you’d _just_ been talking about him!”   
You shook your head. 

In fairness, throughout your relationship with Alec, you had tried to lock the memory of Ben away, along with your trauma from, you know, killing people. It obviously didn’t always work, though. You often found yourself crying into your pillowcase at night, begging to whatever God was out there, that you could see him again. But it wasn’t until you’d caught your father on the phone to him - after all those years - that you realised your feelings toward Ben could, and would, never be tamed. The box flew open and he settled back into your soul like a meat hook. One you couldn’t tear out.   
Of course, how could you not be in love with him? He was all encompassing power and bravery, but had an ethereal level of other-worldly grace about him. Unconventionally beautiful - towering over you with striking features and strong arms. He was kind, among all his darkness, he was still kind. And funny, cheeky, even - just like his father. He was perfect in every single way, and he’d been your sworn protector since the day you were born.   
Of _course_ , you loved him. 

“Yes, but I didn’t know he was coming, I hadn’t even seen him in four years.”  
“Well isn’t that just divine timing, then?” Alec rolled his eyes. He didn’t believe you.  
“Listen, I have literally no reason to lie to you right now,” you were getting angry now, and your voice had risen without you realising. “I’ve told you the truth. I loved him, I always had, since I was a little girl, and I still do. Nothing ever happened between us, but I’d dream of it. All the time. And I tried to bury it, forget about it because I was with you, and I thought I did!” you felt tears prick at your eyes now. God, you were tired of crying. “I thought I was over him, but then I heard my dad talking to him on the phone and it’s like...it’s like a floodgate opened. Everything I tried to bury came roaring back with such a fucking force, I thought it was going to kill me - literally kill me,” you stilled, pausing to collect your thoughts. “I will always love him, he’s been there since I was born, and I realised all too late that a life without him in it is just wrong.”

Alec was looking at you almost pleadingly, but he said nothing.  
“I just...I know, this is absolutely insane. We aren’t together anymore and suddenly here you are, dealing with a mob you didn’t know existed and having to watch that commotion at dinner, dealing with a shoot-out, I know, it’s a lot, but you have to remember that you can’t make me feel guilty for this, I’m not betraying you as much as you’d like to think that I am.” 

After a minute or so of uncomfortable silence, he nodded. “I understand,” he offered, and you knew he absolutely didn’t, but he was trying. “I just can’t wait to get out of here. To get home.”  
“And you’ll be able to with no problems, as soon as we deal with the threat.”  
He nodded again. 

He sat on the closed toilet seat, and you let yourself slide down the wall, slumping in a heap on the floor. Maybe if you just closed your eyes for a minute, the burning sensation in your retinas would stop. Just for a minute...

“Do you think you’re soulmates?” Alec asked suddenly, sounding slightly pained. He’d thought you were his soulmate. His heart broke at the realisation that you weren’t.   
You’re quiet for a moment. “What was that quote, from Wuthering Heights? Something like, ‘whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same’? That’s what I think.”


	16. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Losing you was the most unbearable pain I’ve ever felt,” he murmured, so quietly, you almost hadn’t heard him. “I don’t ever want to be parted from you again. I don’t think my heart could take it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really love soft Ben, to be honest. I wanted to write some tooth-rotting fluff to make myself (and hopefully some of you???) feel a little better during this weird state of affairs that we're enduring right now. It's a shorter chapter, but I kind of had to cut it off here so that it wouldn't be like, three times this length, lol. Enjoy x

You didn't remember Ben coming into the bathroom and lifting you up from the cold tile. You didn't remember him nudging Alec awake, after he had fallen asleep on the toilet. You didn't remember Ben guiding you out of the bathroom as you took unsteady steps - you were awake, but not quite coherent. 

“I feel like a walking corpse,” you managed, teetering somewhere on the brink of hallucinating and fainting. You felt nauseous, and your limbs felt heavy. “I don’t even feel real.”  
Ben rushed to you as you stumbled slightly and Alec watched in a pained moment of realisation that he couldn’t be the one running to your aid anymore.  
“When was the last time you slept?” Ben scowled. “I told you that you needed rest.”  
You waved your hand in dismissal. “There were kinda more important things at play,” you tried to laugh but all that came out was a strained grunt. “And I’m not even that tired, just emotionally drained.” But your words betrayed you, they were slurred and jumbled.  
Before you could register what was happening, Ben had swept you up into his arms in a bridal carry. “You can tell me _all_ about how tired you aren’t while I bring you to bed.”  
You let your head lull against his shoulder, before perking up. “Your bed?” You drawled out sleepily.  
Ben paused. “No, your bed, in your room,” he said, reminding you of the bedroom you had in his apartment. You whined in protest, and Ben raised his eyebrows.  
“I don’t wanna be on my own, Ben,” your panic brought you back to reality. “It’s been such a scary few hours, I just need to not be alone. I need to feel that you’re there.”  
“Okay, okay, shush” he hushed you, giving you a reassuring squeeze as he turned around and walked back in the direction of the master suite. Alec simply stood at the end of the hall, his heart breaking more and more by the second. “It’s okay,” Ben whispered, “I’ll stay with you, but you have to let me show Alec where he’s staying first, alright?” He said as he lowered you onto the dark sheets of his bed. “I’ll be right back, I promise.”  
You nodded, feeling sleep entice you away from reality, away from Ben. 

Turning, he left his bedroom and approached Alec. There was no point in shielding him, Ben knew that much. There was no telling how long Alec would have to remain under the Order’s protection. But Ben had waited his whole life for this, and he didn’t want to ruin the experience by holding back on the account of someone he barely knew. Someone who’d already had you. Despite his jealousy, he couldn’t fault Alec, either. He’d treated you well throughout your time together, and he’d been surprisingly resilient, despite the fact that the past several hours were likely going to leave him with heavy trauma. Ben briefly considered writing him a cheque for therapy expenses.

“There’s a few spare rooms,” Ben said, gesturing to the hallway of the penthouse that had several closed doors. “But this one is the only other one with an en-suite, other than mine and hers.” He opened a closed door and walked into a large, darkly decorated room. It was usually well equipped in case any of the Knights, or even Hux, needed to use it.  
“It has everything you’ll need, there’s spare clothes in the dresser. There’s a shower and towels. If you need anything from the kitchen, please don’t be afraid to use it,” Ben said, retreating out of the room. “You’re free to leave the room if you want to and use the living areas, I don’t want you to feel trapped in here. You’re not being held hostage,” he reminded him, regarding Alec with a kind nod. “You’re here for your protection, so I’d rather you felt at home, or at least as comfortable as possible, all things considered.”

With that, he turned on his heel and returned to your side. You were slipping in and out of dream-land, not being able to fully relax knowing Ben wasn’t beside you.  
“I’m back,” he said softly, moving to remove your shoes and jewellery.  
“I’m not a baby,” you mumbled, “I can undress myself.”  
Ben chuckled. “That can be argued,” he said, guiding you to sit up. “I’m gonna get you something to sleep in, and you can change while I’m in the bathroom, okay?”  
You nodded, and several seconds later, Ben returned to you with folded clothes. You smiled softly, appreciating the privacy as he disappeared into the en-suite. You slowly shucked off your dress in a less than graceful manner, which Ben would likely have disapproved of, given how much it cost. You pulled the oversized t-shirt over your head. You were sure you’d likely left proper pyjamas here at some point, but Ben knew you preferred to sleep in one of your big t-shirts. You’d deliberately buy them several sizes up. But you didn’t recognise this one, though. You thought that perhaps, it was one of his. 

When Ben re-emerged from the bathroom, you were tucked underneath the covers and he was in his own sleepwear. He smiled softly at the sight of you. God, he’d waited his whole life just to hold you as you slept.  
He crawled into bed behind you, not wanting to touch you unless you wanted him to. You stirred when you felt his weight press down onto the bed, and lazily reached behind you to pull his arms around you. His heart fluttered and he happily obliged, pulling you close to his chest and nuzzling his face into your hair. The moment felt every bit as exhilarating as he’d dreamed it would be.  
“Thank you, Ben,”  
“Hm?” his fingers stroked your arms as he held you. “For what?”  
“For everything, for being here, protecting me,” you yawned, squeezing his arms. “For loving me.”  
His heart swelled. How pure, how perfect were you to even think to thank him for something he could never help?  
“Don’t thank me,” he kissed the top of your head through your hair. “I can’t help it,”  
You hummed in appreciation as sleep began to lure you in.  
“Sleep well, princess,” he said into your hair, holding you tighter. “I’ll see you in my dreams.”

**

You awoke to feather-light touches running down your face. Your eyes hadn’t quite opened when Ben placed a chaste kiss to your forehead, his hand running down your arm softly.  
“Morning princess,” he murmured as you stirred.  
You hummed, your eyes fluttering open. You shifted closer to him, burying your head in the crook of his shoulder. “I don’t wanna get up.”  
Ben chuckled. “You don’t have to, sweetheart. You can stay right here.”  
The pet name made your heart flutter. “As long as you stay with me.” You whispered quietly, nuzzling his shoulder.  
“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered. “As long as you want me, I’m here.”  
You lifted your head to look at him, your eyes finally meeting his. His expression was unreadable but his eyes were soft.  
“I’ll always want you.”  
He exhaled shakily, his hand moving to cup the side of your face.  
“Losing you was the most unbearable pain I’ve ever felt,” he murmured, so quietly, you almost hadn’t heard him. “I don’t ever want to be parted from you again. I don’t think my heart could take it.”  
You smiled into his hand, and his eyes travelled your face, taking in every freckle and slight movement of your features. He was completely entranced.  
“And I promise you this, I’ll do anything to keep you safe,” he continued, his eyes not leaving you. “I’d die before I let anything happen to you. I’d give you the _galaxy_ if I could,” his fingers caressed your cheek and you let your eyes slowly close, revelling in the moment. “I love you.”  
You’d been loved before, Alec had certainly loved you. Adored you, even. But to be adored by Ben Solo - by Kylo Ren, someone so fierce and powerful - was something entirely different. You’d been dreaming of this for as long as you could remember. Since you were a small girl and hoped that one day, your best friend would hold your hand and call you his. You had no idea that he’d dreamt of doing that, too.  
“I love you too, Ben.”  
Your voice was quiet, your words shaky, because you still couldn’t quite believe that you could say those words aloud. Your admission of love was no longer reserved for the pages of your journal or your tear-soaked pillowcase. Finally, the words could grace the air between you.  
He smiled, then. A real smile, that reached his eyes. A small chuckle escaped him.  
“Waited my whole life to kiss you and now I’m afraid to.” He murmured, his thumb flitting across the apple of your cheek. The butterflies in your stomach threatened to crawl up your throat.  
“Why?”  
“I’ve never, uh,” he trailed off, eyes flicking downward, avoiding your stare. “Never, y’know.” He shook his head slightly as he spoke, and then the realisation hit you.  
“Never kissed anyone?”  
He nodded almost imperceptibly, glancing up at you nervously. And of _course_ he hadn't. He'd never dated growing up - and though you hadn't either, it was something you were always secretly thankful for, as you knew you would have been too jealous to stand it -, and Phasma had let slip to you the evening before, that he had spent the past four years buried in work, only leaving the apartment for meetings and business arrangements. _"It was like he was mourning your death_ ", she had said. You leaned forward slightly, smiling at him softly.  
“It’ll be amazing, Ben, because it’s you. And I’ve waited just as long.”  
His head tipped forward, his forehead resting against yours. You could hear his breathing pick up slightly as his hand moved to the back of your head, tangling in your hair. He inched forward so slowly that it felt like an age before his lips finally met yours - so softly, so gently that you could have cried.  
And you wanted to, really. You wanted to just sob and sob because you just couldn’t believe that after all this time, after so many years of waiting and wishing, that it finally happened. Ben finally kissed you. And it wasn’t for an act, or to prove anything to anyone else.  
It was because he wanted to. Because he _loved_ you.  
And at that thought, you felt a rogue tear slip from between your lashes. He pulled you closer, then, his chest flush to yours as your arms wrapped around his neck, tilting your head to deepen the kiss. The hand that wasn’t tangled in your hair was resting on your waist, keeping you anchored to him. 

He pulled back slightly, eyes wide and pupils blown as he scanned your face. His hand moved slowly from the back of your head to the side of your face, and he inched closer again, his large frame crowding you. As your fingers glided through his dark waves, he closed the space between you, his lips crashing down onto yours once more. He was taking his time, kissing you slowly to memorise every inch of your mouth and it was intoxicating. You melted into him, complete putty in his hands - and if that wasn’t a metaphor for how you’d spent your entire life, you weren’t sure what was.


	17. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tell me what you want,” he said into your skin. One hand still tangled in your hair, the other caressing your side through your shirt. “Tell me what you need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for how long this took me to write. I wanted to keep the sort of monastic parts of canon!Ben to enhance the intimacy between him and reader for this fic, so this just took me forever to write. 
> 
> It's split into two parts because this turned out way longer than I had expected, whoops. So expect more NSFW in part two. Anyways, hope you enjoy???

“You don’t know what you do to me,” Ben breathed shakily, his chest pressed to yours as he pulled back only just enough to speak. His breath danced across your lips as he spoke. His eyes fluttered closed as he leaned in again, lips brushing so softly against yours for only a second before he spoke again. “You’ll never understand the things you make me feel,” he said breathlessly, pulling you impossibly closer, his thigh shifting between your legs. You breathed out a sigh of relief, the building pressure between your legs only partially relieved. “What you make me think,” he continued, lips slipping from yours to your jaw. His hands trembled slightly as he moved them to your lower back, pulling your hips flush to his. You sighed again, unable to suppress a smile. You couldn’t quite believe what was happening - all those late night fantasies, all those times you closed your eyes, imagining that Alec was Ben. You didn’t have to pretend anymore. 

“What you make me want to do.” He finished, lips reaching your collarbone, teeth grazing the skin there softly.   
“Then show me,” you shifted your hips against his, eliciting a low groan from him. You wouldn’t usually be so bold, as shy as you were in the bedroom, but you needed it. Needed him. “Please.”  
His breath caught in his throat as he moaned softly, rolling you onto your back and caging you below him. His lips ghosted against yours before he pulled away, unsure.   
“I’m afraid I won’t...be as good as you deserve,” he murmured. “I’m afraid of hurting you. I don’t know what to do.” He swallowed thickly, avoiding your eyes. His hair fell downward, and you reached up to push it backward.   
“You’ll be everything I need, Ben, because I need _you_ ,” you said, “Do what you want, do what you feel, don’t think about it. Just do,” You tilted his head upward, forcing him to meet your eyes. God, you’d never felt so desperate for anything in your life. And in any other situation, you’d be mortified - ashamed - of begging like this. But you _needed_ him. “ _Please_.”

He groaned softly, dragging his lips down your throat. You felt his tongue dance around your pulse point and you whined softly. As unsure as he was, as terrified as he was of not making you feel how he dreamed he could, he felt himself heating up, losing himself in the thoughts of what he wanted to do.   
He wasn’t...completely clueless. He had done his research. God knows, he’d dreamt of it enough. Dreamt of the noises you’d make, of the way your cheeks would flush when he touched you. 

_Let go, let go._

“Tell me what you want,” he said into your skin. One hand still tangled in your hair, the other caressing your side through your shirt. “Tell me what you need.”  
His hand moved from your side, gliding down to your outer thigh. Your breath hitched as he moved his hand inward, grazing your inner thigh.   
“You,” you sighed, as his lips travel down your jaw. “Please.”  
“Where do you want me, princess?”  
You whined impatiently, bucking your hips toward his. You felt him hum against your skin, his fingers ghosting over the material of your underwear.   
“Here?” he whispered, mouthing at the space between your jaw and ear. “Is this what you want?”  
Your hips bucked into his hand, working on their own accord. You sighed shakily, nodding your head. “Yes, yes.”  
His hooded eyes met yours in a half-moment of hesitation, of panic, of unworthiness. But it passed as quickly as it came as he pushed his lips to yours softly. “Then that’s where you’ll have me, princess.”  
You whimpered involuntarily, the anticipation getting the better of you as you shifted your hips again slightly, pushing them further into his hand as he slowly pulled your underwear down your thighs.   
“Sshh, sshh,” he cooed softly. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

He leaned back, pushing himself up and leaning back on his calves. He tugged softly on the hem of your - well, his - shirt, his eyes asking you a silent question. You nodded slowly - suddenly realising that Ben would actually be _seeing_ you, _all_ of you, for the first time. You flushed in embarrassment, suddenly terrified of disappointing him, of not being good enough, of not being what he expected. Just as he began to pull your shirt upward, you grabbed his wrist.   
“Ben,” your voice came out barely above a whisper. His eyes met yours quickly, his hand immediately freezing.   
“We can stop,” he said quickly. “Whatever you want.”  
“No,” you swallowed thickly. “I’m just. Afraid. Of showing you, you know. Me.”  
Ben shook his head, brow furrowing tightly. “Why would you be afraid of that?”  
“I’m afraid I’ll disappoint you, or that I won’t be what you imagined.”   
Ben shook his head again, his expression softening. “No, no,” he reached up, trailing his fingers down your cheek. “You could never disappoint me,” his touch fell down to your neck, your collarbone. “You’ll be perfect. You _are_ perfect.”

He leaned down, ghosting his lips against your forehead. You nodded slightly, his cue to continue moving. He lifted your shirt up and over your head, his eyes darkening considerably as he saw you, completely exposed beneath him. He let out an unsteady breath, his eyes drinking you down. His stare made you feel unsure, your hands moving to cover yourself. Ben grabbed your wrists, swiftly pulling your arms backward, placing them gently on the pillow above your head before releasing you.   
His head began to shake on its own accord - in pure disbelief of what he could have had, all to himself, if only he had half a thread of common sense to open his mouth sooner.   
“You’re unbelievable,” he breathed. “I can’t believe I have you like this, in front of me.”  
“For you,” you added quietly. “It’s for you.”  
He groaned softly at your words, leaning down and dragging his lips down your sternum. His teeth grazed the skin there softly. “Mine,” he murmured into your skin, so quietly that you’d barely heard it.   
His hands moved down your sides, coming to rest on your hips. You shifted impatiently, and he smiled into your skin. “Okay, princess, okay.”  
His fingers dipped downward into your heat and he groaned at the wetness he found there. It should have mortified you, really, how desperate you were, how ready you were. But your mind wasn’t processing thoughts as it should - it wasn’t processing thoughts at all. There was only him.   
He leaned in, his lips dragging down your neck as he sighed in contentment at the feel of you. 

He had half a clue about anatomy, about what you’d want. The one time he’d drunkenly opened up to Poe about his lack of experience, Poe had shared with him his ‘secret’, as he’d called it. “You gotta read it, dude,” he had said, tone hushed. “The descriptive shit, written by girls. That’ll tell you what they really want, how they want it, where everything is. I swear to God, best sex I ever had.” 

But even still, he was nervous, worried he’d do something wrong, worried he’d hurt you.   
“Tell me if I hurt you,” He breathed, moving his fingers lower again toward your entrance. “Let me know how I’m making you feel.”  
You pushed your hips downward slightly, nodding impatiently. He was mildly surprised at how smoothly his finger slipped into you, but it was quickly sated by his desire for more. More of you, more of everything. He tried to recall exactly what those stories Poe had described as he moved his thumb upward, not exactly sure where to place it.   
_Where is it where is it where is it_  
The gasp that tore from your throat stilled his racing thoughts.   
_There it is._   
You shifted your hips again, wanting more, and God, how could he deny you? He made small, tight circles with his thumb, groaning softly as the way your back arched sent his body into a frenzy. The way you were whimpering and moaning beneath him had him gyrating his hips against your side in desperation for any sort of friction. His lips rested softly on your temple for a moment, savouring your sounds.   
“Can you take another for me, Princess?” he whispered, hooded eyes meeting yours as you tilted your head to face him. You nodded eagerly and he leaned forward, nipping at your bottom lip softly. He turned his head, looking downward and watching as his pumped in and out of you, pulling you apart from the inside out. His breath caught in his throat at the sight.   
“You’re so perfect,” he murmured, half to himself. “So perfect.”  
You whimpered as he put more pressure on your clit, your head spinning. “Please,” you breathed, not knowing what you were asking for.   
“Please what, princess?” he turned back to you, lips pressing to your jaw. “What do you want?”  
His arm was tucked underneath your neck, and his free hand trailed down your throat.  
You shook your head, not even knowing what to say, or if you could even speak. He curled his fingers upward, remembering the descriptive movements that he’d read. He half worried that it might hurt until your hips jolted forward, back arching off the bed as a moan ripped from your chest. He exhaled forcibly, trying to control his own breathing. The sight of you alone had him worried about how long he’d last - _if_ he’d last. 

You were squirming, thighs and calves tensing as you whimpered. He felt you tighten around his fingers and he moaned into your skin. He knew what that meant. “You can let go,” he murmured, increasing pressure and speed right where you needed it. His hand that had been resting on your throat moved to cup your jaw, tilting your face toward his. Your eyes were squeezed shut in pleasure. “But I want to watch you. Open your eyes, look at me.”

And just as you did, you felt yourself almost come undone. His eyes were pitched black and dancing around your face, his mouth parted in awe. Your hands gripped his shoulders, desperate for some sort of leverage as you felt your calves begin to cramp with how hard they were tensing. His fingers pressed against your inner walls, and he gripped your face tightly as you saw white, his name tumbling from your lips in a song of adoration. He carried you through it, taking in every sound, every movement as your body and mind began to slowly come back down to earth. He kissed your cheek softly as your eyes fluttered. You were desperately trying to cling to coherence. You only realised then that you’d just experienced your first orgasm - that _that_ was what it was supposed to feel like. No wonder you’d found sex with Alec so mundane.

As you tried to settle your breathing, Ben loosened his grip on your jaw, gently tilting your head back so he could gently kiss your lips.   
He’d never been more thankful for Poe’s unsolicited advice in his life.


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those of you who have left such lovely, thoughtful comments. It really encourages me to write, knowing that there's someone out there enjoying it. It means the absolute world.  
> I also rarely write smut lol, it's not my strong point by any means, but I hope you enjoy this nonetheless.
> 
> edit: finally made a [sideblog](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/) for my writing, if any of you would like to say hi on there!

Ben looked at you hesitantly, unsure of exactly what to do next. You gave him a slow nod, your eyes blown black and lids hooded. You bit your lip out of nervousness. “I-I want…” You trailed off, your voice barely a whisper.  
“You what want, sweetheart?”  
You looked away shyly. “More.”  
Ben leaned in, his lips grazing yours as he spoke. “Then I’ll give you more.”  
When he kissed you, it was hungry, hard, fast. His hands roamed your chest, gripping, squeezing - wanting everything closer than he could get it, wanting everything to himself.  
You tugged at the hem of his t-shirt, only then realising he was still fully clothed in his sleepwear. “Off,” you whispered.  
He leaned back, almost ripping the t-shirt from his torso and tossing it aside, immediately gripping your neck and pulling your lips back to his. Both of you were flushed, the heat and intensity of the kiss leaving you breathless and half gasping for air. You moved your hands down his chest, settling at the hem of his sweats and pulling downward lightly. The sensation made Ben groan, all anxiety of you seeing him bare was overtaken with sheer anticipation. He shuffled slightly, kicking them off his legs completely. He was absolutely positive that he’d never been so hard in his life.  
When your eyes flicked downward, your breath caught in your throat.  
_Oh God_. You bit back a groan. _How is that going to fit?_

Ben sensed your fear, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to your temple. “We don’t have t-”  
“ _Please_ ,” you whispered, hands flying up to clutch at his shoulders, at his neck, in his hair - wherever you could reach. “Please.” Your hips tilted upward, grazing against him just-so making him gasp. His hips bucked against yours as you clawed at his back. “Just be gentle.”  
“Always.” he breathed, looking down between your bodies. He looked back to you, uncertain.  
You shifted slightly, opening your legs for him. The sight made his eyes widen, and he knew then that it was a sight he was going to insist on seeing every day for the rest of his life. When he’d settled between your legs, you pulled him downward so that you were caged between his forearms. He moaned softly as you reached down, positioning him where you needed him. “Now go,” you whispered, watching his eyes go wide as he pushed forward. He took in a sharp breath, “Jesus Christ,” his words came out as a moan, his forehead dropping to press against yours. His breathing was unsteady, shaky. His hand gripped your face, a silent command to _please_ look at him. You felt dizzy with the feel of him, stretching you further than you thought you could go. Pushing deeper inside you than you thought was possible. Once he was fully seated inside you, he paused, giving you both a moment to adjust to the feeling. He was already panting, his hands trembling as they held you. You closed your eyes, feeling your body accommodating him. Your mind grappling with the fact that _Ben_ , your best friend, was actually _inside_ you. You sighed contentedly as the burning began to subside, your hand coming up to tangle in Ben’s hair.  
“You can move,” you whispered. “ _Please._ ”  
And he did, pulling back and almost out of you, before slowly pushing back in. He groaned loudly, struggling to find his breath as your name fell from his lips. He set a languid pace, his movements painfully slow. He leaned in, lips capturing yours as he fucked you. Your legs moved up to wrap around his waist, the new angle taking him impossibly deeper. He grunted, and he forgot himself for a moment, hips slamming into yours. You almost wailed.  
“I’m sorry,” Ben said quickly, the tremors in his voice evidence of his struggle for control. “I’m s-”  
“No,” you cut him off quickly, your voice heady with desperation. “More, please, more.”  
He moaned at your words, his hips slamming into yours with such a force that it moved you upward on the bed. “You feel amazing,” he sighed, the hand that held your face gripping you tighter. “You’re so good, _fuck_ , you’re so perfect.” his hand shifted then, trailing down between your bodies, circling around your clit.  
And oh, how you moaned for him, your head falling backward as your back arched, pushing yourself into him. He hummed in approval, leaning down to trail his lips down your neck.  
“I need to see you come again,” he sighed, his teeth finding your throat. “I want to watch you come for me.”  
Ben almost couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, couldn’t believe he had the audacity to speak to you like this, or where any of this confidence came from. But the way you clawed at him, whined for him, pulled at him - it only spurred him on more.  
“ _Ben_ ,” you moaned, tugging at his hair. “ _Please_.”  
“I know, baby-girl,” he was struggling to hold on, desperately trying to hold off until you came apart around him, on him. He slammed into you harder, making you scream. “I’ve got you.”  
You felt like you were going to explode from it all - from the pleasure, from the sight of him. The way his eyes were blown, the way he watched you, the way his hair fell over his face. The sheen of sweat on his skin glistened in the morning light. And oh, the sounds - the noises he made, the obscene noise of your skin against his. The fact that it was Ben. You were so close to the edge, you just wanted to scream. You tightened around him as his fingers increased their pressure, and his hips began to lose rhythm, stuttering desperately. He moaned your name in a desperate plea.  
“Please come for me, sweetheart, let me see you.”  
And like the perfect girl you were, you did just that, clamping down around him. Your limbs shook as you screamed his name, and the sight of it was just too much for him. His hips slammed into yours once, twice more before he came with a shout, your name the only coherent thing he could say as he spilled into you. 

Your head spun. Your eyes were glassy and cheeks flushed, both of you glazed over in sweat. Ben murmured something as he collapsed onto the mattress beside you, pulling you close to his chest.  
You hummed, only half coherent. “Hm?”  
“I love you,” he said softly, his breathing still unsteady. “W-was that…” he trailed off, the rest of the question hanging in the air between you. You shifted, gazing up at him. His eyes quickly flicked downward, shyly avoiding your eyes.  
“It was so, so perfect,” you breathed, leaning up to capture his lips with yours. It amazed you every time your lips met - amazed you that you actually got to kiss him, whenever you wanted. “You’re perfect.” His mouth cracked into a smile, lips pressing back against yours tenderly. You were so beautiful, so perfect, so good for him - the way you cried out for him, the way you took him. The smile faded as quickly as it came, his eyes widening as he pulled away. Only then did he realise what he’d done, what he _hadn’t_ done, what he hadn't _asked_.  
“Jesus, I...I didn’t think, I didn’t use-” he cut himself off, realising that he didn’t _own_ any condoms anyway. He moved to get up, panic rising dangerously inside him. “I’m so so-”  
“Ben,” you pulled him back down toward you. “Stop, stop, it’s okay. I’ve been on birth control for years,” you eased him back onto the mattress, his eyes still wildly studying you. “I would have stopped you if I didn’t want it.”  
He let out the breath he’d been holding, settling back into his position. His arms wrapped around you tightly. You sighed in contentment as he nuzzled your cheek. “Good,” he murmured, his lips trailing down your jaw. “Because I want to watch you come again,” his lips found your neck, “and again,” he found your pulse-point and bit down gently. “And again.”  
You whined softly, music to Ben’s ears. But he moved to get up, and you whinged at the loss of contact.  
“You need water.” he smiled, leaning down to kiss your forehead. He pulled his sleepwear back on, smiling softly at you as you watched him dress.  
“And coffee,” you said shyly, stretching your limbs and rolling onto your side, snuggling into the pillows. “Pretty please?”  
Ben chuckled, bending down to stroke your face. “How could I say no to you?” 

When he turned and left the room, you felt yourself sink further into the pillows, your face flushing with giddiness. You felt like a love-drunk teenager. You couldn’t believe that finally, _finally_ , you could be his, and he could be yours. That you could spend an entire day in bed with Ben if you wanted, that you could kiss him and touch him in all the ways you’d imagined for so many years. In all your life, you’d never felt more at peace.

*

Ben padded toward the kitchen, spotting the back of Hux’s head sitting on the main sofa, leafing through a stack of papers.  
Ben grunted upon the sight of him. “I’m changing the fuckin’ locks,” he muttered. “What, your own place not nice enough?”  
“Well, it’s not a penthouse.”  
Ben made a face. “You got the second biggest apartment, keep that attitude and I’ll demote you to the smallest,” he flicked on the coffee machine. “What do you want?”  
“I can’t pay a visit to my dear friend on a lovely morning, no?”  
Ben ignored the sarcasm in his tone. “If that’s why you came up here, you can turn around and get out that fuckin’ door right now.”  
Hux ignored the comment. “We need to talk work, you have six orders awaiting approval for shipment.”  
Ben grunted. Unlike Crimson Dawn, the First Order didn’t deal with drugs. The First Order dealt with weapons.  
“I’ll get to them, just leave me the paperwork.”  
“They need to be done _now_.”  
“Okay, then _you_ can get to them. Just sign for me.” Ben busied himself with making your coffee, just how you liked it. He silently hoped that you’d still like it, that you’d still tell him that he made the best coffee you’d ever had, just like you used to.

Hux sighed. It wasn’t like Ben to avoid his work - he was usually _too_ stuck into it, especially during your absence. But he wanted to relish the day with you. _Just_ you. For the first time in too long.  
“We also need to talk war.”  
“I told you, I’m not announcing the engagement yet.”  
Hux leapt from the couch, rounding it and approaching the kitchen.  
“ _Why_? The longer you avoid it, the more danger you’re putting her in, Ben.”  
Ben spun around. “Because something feels inherently shitty about making a fake fuckin’ engagement notice about the woman I love when I do fully intend to _actually_ marry her at some point, Hux.”  
Hux made an exasperated movement with his arms. “Ben, that could be fucking years away, it can’t wait longer than a few more days, _if_ that.”  
“What makes you think it’ll be years?”  
“Uh, I don’t know, Ben,” Hux folded his arms. “Perhaps the fact that it took you, what, twenty-odd years to get to this point with her?”  
Ben said nothing, and turned back to the coffee cups.  
“Ben,” Hux said sternly, “You have to know that this could go very south, _very_ fast, if we don’t act now.”

Before Ben had the chance to retort, the sound of shuffling brought both men to a standstill. Ben had entirely forgotten that Alec had been in the apartment.  
“Hey,” Alec grunted timidly. “I just wanted to get some water.”  
Ben moved out of the kitchen, both mugs of coffee in hand. “Sure, work away.”  
Ben and Hux silently watched as Alec grabbed a bottle of water from the breakfast island, and made a quick exit, retreating back into his room.  
“On top of all of this,” Hux said, tone more hushed. “We need to talk about the rat.”  
Ben’s mind halted, briefly considering what an animal had to do with anything. His confused expression elicited a groan from Hux. “Not an actual fucking rat, Ben, the spy.”  
“We don’t even know if that’s our problem, we don’t even know whose order it's in.”  
“Well, judging by the information being shared about _our_ shipments, they’re working for Dawn.”  
Ben’s eyes widened. “I was under the impression that none of our information had been compromised,”  
“I just got word this morning that Dawn intercepted this morning’s shipments, bit of a tussle on the docks, I heard.”  
“ _Great_.”  
“I’d hedge my bets that if they’re going to put a rat anywhere, it’s with us.”  
“There’s literally no one in this order that it could be, not high up enough to know any information.”  
“Friends have betrayed us before, Ben,” Hux said lowly. “It could be anyone.”  
“Is it you?” Ben countered, his tone cool. “Because if you’re suggesting that my Knights, or Poe or Phasma, or God forbid, my parents, could do such a thing-”  
“I’m not _suggesting_ anything, I’m saying we have to be fucking careful.”  
Ben felt bile rise in his gut, threatening to snake up into his throat. The fact that you were now evidently more exposed to Crimson Dawn than he ever thought possible while under his protection made him panic. He swallowed thickly.  
“Ben,” Hux’s tone was softer now, and he reached to lay a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “We can protect her, we will, but only if this is dealt with.”  
“Have Phasma send out the notice,” he muttered. “I’m declaring war tonight.”


	19. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If I asked you to come with me, to follow me somewhere without explanation,” his voice was soft, subdued, barely above a whisper. “Would you come?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not intend for there to be smut when I started writing this, lol. It just happened. Whoops. Sorry. Updating the tags as I go.

You were sprawled out, tangled among the sheets when Ben returned, his head low, eyes to the floor. You shifted, moving onto your side. You were just so _peaceful_ , so content. So enamoured with him.  
You hummed when you saw him, stretching your arms. His eyes flicked to yours, then. You could see how his eyebrows twitched, how the corners of his mouth lifted ever so slightly, before sinking again. He set the coffee cups on the nightstand.  
“Princess,” he started, his voice low and solemn. “Sweetheart..” he trailed off then for a moment, the mattress dipping as he sat beside you. He didn’t look at you, though. His eyes were trained to the floor as he spoke. “I still can’t believe I get to call you that.” He chuckled softly, turning to face you. His hands trembled ever so slightly as they reached for you.  
“Well,” you hummed, lacing your fingers with his as you sat up. “Believe it.”  
He smiled, then. Really smiled. It was rare to see a smile reach Ben Solo’s eyes, but it did, then.  
“If I asked you to come with me, to follow me somewhere without explanation,” his voice was soft, subdued, barely above a whisper. “Would you come?”  
You were nodding before he even finished his sentence. “Of course, Ben,” You squeezed his hand. “I’d follow you anywhere,” you looked down at your hand, saw how it tangled with his. It reminded you of when you were children, of when he’d drag you across the busy New York streets, muttering obscenities as he went. “But you know that already, asshole.”  
A laugh escaped him, coming right from his chest. He leaned across, pressing his lips to your temple.  
“Come with me, tonight,” he murmured into your hairline. “Don’t ask any questions. Just follow me, just come with me. Just trust me.”  
You pulled away from him, laying a hand on his cheek. It went against your primal being, really, to be quiet. Not to ask questions. Not to have a say in things. But you trusted him, and you owed him your trust. You owed him more than you were willing to admit, after leaving the way that you did. So you nodded, eyes searching his for any sign of approval.  
“Of course,” you say, “Always.”  
He smiled, tilting your head up to capture your lips in his. “ _Also_ can’t believe that I get to kiss you whenever I want,” he spoke against your lips, smiling as he did.  
You giggled, moving to sling your arms around his neck, but grazed his shoulder in the process. He jerked backwards slightly.  
“Jesus,” you hiss, “Ben, surely that was painful when we were...y’know.”  
He shook his head. “If it was, I didn’t register it,” he frowned.  
“Does it hurt now?”  
He scoffed. “I’ve been shot so many times that I’ve lost count, princess,” he smiled down at you. “Believe me, I’m okay.”  
“Well, will you promise me that you’ll call the doctor before we go to wherever it is you’re taking me?”  
He rolled his eyes, huffing like a bored teenager. “ _Yes_ , I promise,” he nodded toward the nightstand. “Now, let me know if I still make the best coffee you’ve ever had.”

*

You’d spent much of your day tangled in Ben’s embrace. The doctor had stopped by briefly to check on Ben’s wound, declaring him fine. He was _always_ fine. He left some antibiotics, and some painkillers that Ben would never take.  
“Told you I was fine.” He had said, sauntering back into the bedroom, shirt off. You’d since changed into another one of Ben’s shirts, and were curled up sans underwear beneath the sheets. He sighed softly as he shucked off his pyjama pants, leaving him only in boxers as he crawled back to his position beside you. “I want you in my bed like this _all_ the time.”  
“Then I’ll never leave.” You giggled as he pulled you close to his chest.  
“Please don’t,” he placed a kiss to your neck. “Ever.”

And so you stayed like that for several hours, exchanging lazy kisses and catching up on time lost.  
You told him stories of your time away, of the few good memories you had. You told him of one evening in particular, where you’d had a little too much gin. You had taken off running, singing as you went, your friends laughing behind you. Your little show came to an abrupt halt when your foot got caught in between the tracks of the tram-line, sending you crashing down onto the concrete. You’d skinned your knees so badly that they had bled for days.  
“Look,” you said, hitching your knee up to show him. “I still have the stupid scar.”  
Ben had laughed at that, running his fingers along the pink ridges of the scar. “I was so bitter about it, too,” you smiled. “Cuz I knew if you were there, you would have ran to catch me.”  
“Oh, you sure about that?” He raised his eyebrows, poking at you with his fingers. “‘Cuz that fall sounds like it was pretty funny.”  
You swore at him then, swatting playfully at his hands. “You’re a dick.”  
“Mm,” he caught your wrists, pinning them above your head. He leaned down to graze his lips against your ear. You shuddered as he spoke. “And I’m all yours.”  
He pulled back to look at you, his eyes dark. Hungry.  
You bit your lip, and his eyes immediately flicked downward to catch the movement.  
“When do you want me ready to go?” You asked quietly, pressing your thighs together.  
He hummed, tearing his eyes from your lips to check the digital clock on the nightstand. “We have plenty of time, so long as you want it.”  
You nodded eagerly, and his eyes only turned darker. He kept one hand around your wrists, the other trailed slowly up your thigh, underneath your shirt and settled on your waist. He didn’t miss how your breath hitched when he touched you, or how your eyes fluttered shut when he leaned down to softly mouth at your neck.  
“You’re too sweet for me,” he whispered, his hand beneath your shirt drifting higher toward your breasts. “Too good, too perfect.”  
You were so entranced with him, so eagerly anticipating every move he made, that you weren’t sure if you could speak, or even move. He moved above you, settling between your legs as he pulled them apart, sighing as he did. His eyes were clouded, his mind was busy, you could tell. Busy with the thought of your body writhing underneath his, busy with the thought of your come on his fingers, your hands in his hair. Busy with the thought of you. He pulled back, dragging the hem of your t-shirt up your body.  
“Let me see you,” he whispered, his eyes finding yours. You nodded eagerly, allowing him to drag the material from your torso. He hummed in approval at the sight of you beneath him. Leaning down, he dragged his lips across your chest. “I can’t believe you’re mine,” He continued on his downward path, teeth grazing across your ribs, your stomach, your hips, as he moved over your body. He stopped, then, lifting his head to observe you. You were peering down at him, all doe-eyed and innocent, your cheeks flushed a dusky shade of pink. You drove him to the brink of madness, the way your lips quivered as you sighed, the way your pupils swallowed your pretty eyes. He felt delirious. Drunk on you.  
“Can I taste you?”  
The question was quiet, his tone unsure. Nervous.  
“Hm?” you propped yourself up on your elbows, cocking your head to the side.  
“You,” he said, looking down between your legs, his hands gliding up your inner thighs. “Here. Right here,” his fingers ever so slightly brush past your clit, making your hips jerk upward. “Can I taste you?”

You weren’t sure why he’d want to. 

“I’ve never-” you began, suddenly the novice. “No one’s ever…”  
“He didn’t?” he asks, his voice filled with bitterness. How _dare_ anyone be so lucky to have you, and not treat you right, not taste you, not feel you. You shook your head shyly.  
“I’ll be glad to be your first,” he murmured, dropping his head to graze his lips along your thighs. “Your only.”  
You were Ben’s first _everything_. He was enthralled by the idea of being your first _anything_. But especially this. To be the first person to see you, laid out like this. Spread out for him, waiting for him. All for him. He wasn’t worried about his inexperience anymore. He didn’t care. He just wanted to watch you keen for him, he just wanted to explore you, memorise you. Every last inch of you.  
He looked down, and his breath caught at the sight of how you glistened, the sheen sticking to your inner thighs. He cursed softly under his breath, leaning down further. It happened so slowly, the way the sensation of his breath on your heat changed to the feel of his tongue, gliding all over you, delving straight _into_ you.  
“O-oh,” you gasped, your hand flying down to tangle in his hair. “Ohhhh m-my G-god.” Ben made a noise of approval, and the vibrations sent your hips upward. He brought them back down, anchoring your hips to the bed with one large hand, slinging your knee over his shoulder with the other.  
“I love this, how you taste, how you feel,” he murmured, pulling back just enough to speak, eyes flicking up to observe you. “Tell me what feels good.” The hand that held the back of your knee pulled away. You let out a high pitched whine as he slipped two fingers inside of you, his tongue circling your clit tightly as he went. “T-that,” you gasped, frantically pulling his face closer to you. _“Please.”_  
Ben smiled against you, increasing his pressure, pumping his fingers deeper and faster. He wanted to know how quickly he could make you come apart, how many times he could make you scream for him.  
“B- _Ben,_ ” you were struggling to form words, everything you tried to say seemed to taper off into a whimper. Ben groaned into you, rutting against the mattress. He could feel himself leaking, knew it was coming through his boxers, onto the sheets.  
“Mm, let go for me, sweetheart,” he thrust his hips against the sheets, pushing your hips down again as you bucked upwards at his words. “Let me feel you.”  
He curled his fingers and you _moaned_ , so loudly, so sweetly that he couldn’t help himself, couldn’t help how hard he slammed into the mattress, couldn’t help how roughly his fingers pounded into you. “That’s it,” he mumbled into you, feeling you clench around his fingers. “I feel you, you’re almost there, babygirl.”  
Your breath was coming so fast, you almost thought you’d pass out from it all. You felt dizzy, overwhelmed. You tried to speak, tried to tell him you were close, but - “A-agh!”   
He sucked at your clit, and you saw white. Your back lifted off the bed, your fingers tightening in his hair as your limbs shook. Your heel dug into his back as you screamed. Ben moaned into you, not stopping. He kept you pinned down, carrying you through your blinding orgasm. Only when your calves began to twitch and your breathing even, did he pull away, sliding his fingers out of you and lifting them to his mouth. He wanted to taste every last drop of you. Your eyes were heavy, hooded as you watched him.  
“You taste amazing,” he said, moving to lean over you. He dipped his head down to kiss you, and you could taste yourself on his lips. “Wanna taste you every day,” he mumbled, not moving his mouth from yours. His hands wandered up your sides, smoothing over your hot skin. “Want you to come in my mouth every morning.”  
“Then you can have me every day,” you sighed, still feeling as though you were floating. Your heart still hadn’t returned to its normal pace. “Whatever way you want me.” You reached downward between your bodies, palming at his aching length. You could feel how it throbbed, could feel the dampness that stained the material of his boxers. He cursed, dropping his forehead to yours. You tugged at the material, moving it down his thighs. His breath caught in his throat when you gripped him, and he moaned your name, bucking into your hand. “ _Fuck_ ,” his lips found your neck and he bit down in frustration. He was so wound up, so close already. When your hand began to pump him, your thumb flicking over the head of him, he released a guttural, strangled sound. “ _Fuck_ , fuck, please, I _can’t_ -” he thrust into your palm, his breathing erratic. “I need - _mmph_ , I need…”  
You loved this, the noises he made, the way his forehead pressed into the crook of your neck, the way his shoulders tensed, the way his arms shook as they caged you beneath him. He was every bit at your mercy as you were at his. He knew it, too.  
You shifted, wrapping both legs around his waist as you pulled him downward, positioning him where you wanted him, where he needed you. You moved your hips upward to meet his, and he sighed as the head of him knocked your entrance. He sighed as he pushed forward, and you both knew this wouldn’t last long. He was too worked up, too desperate.  
You didn’t care. You just wanted to feel him, hear him. He sucked harshly on your neck as he pushed into you slowly, inch by inch, so acutely aware of his size. You whined, hoping he had marked you well, nice and red. You wanted to be claimed, wanted everyone to know who you finally belonged to. And that he belonged to you, too.  
When he was fully seated inside you, he allowed you a moment to adjust. He lapped at the mark he’d left, his hands roaming around your body - up and down, so slowly. So gentle. You bucked your hips signalling for him to move. He grunted as he thrust into you, hard, deep. Your legs tightened their grip around him, your hands moving up the expanse of his back to tangle in his hair. You opened your mouth to speak, to tell him to be mindful of his wound, but his next thrust knocked the words right out of you. You tilted your head back, crying out in ecstasy.  
“ _God_ , I love you like this,” he rambled, his pace quickening. Faster, harder. The bed rocked, the headboard slamming harshly against the wall. He reached down, the pads of his fingers rubbing hard against your clit. He lifted his head just in time to watch your eyes roll back. “Coming apart for me. Such a perfect girl,” he inhaled sharply, the sensation of you sucking him in, constricting around him, it was almost too much for him. “My perfect little girl.”  
He slammed into you harder again and you wailed, hips grinding up against his, needing release. You were panting harshly, the pressure on your clit had you feeling dizzy with desperation.  
“Does that feel good?” he murmured into your ear, his breath making the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. You whimpered. “Y- _yes_ , yes, yes.”  
His breath hitched, he could feel it, how close he was. His eyes found yours, wild and blown out. You tipped over the edge, then, his name leaving you in a scream. He groaned loudly, swearing as he released into you, white hot spurts shooting deep inside of you. After several moments of both of you catching your breath, he collapsed beside you, pulling out with a hiss. You turned your head to face him - both of you covered in a slick of sweat. He smiled, reaching for you.  
“Sweet thing,” he mumbled, pulling you into his chest. “Are you okay?” he ran a finger along the blossoming bruise he’d left on your neck, a look of concern flickering across his features.  
“I’m perfect,” you said breathlessly. “Why?”  
“Just checking,” he smiled, kissing your cheek, your forehead, your nose. “I lo-”

“Ben!”

The shout came from the hallway, and Ben’s eyes just about rolled into the back of his head. 

“Ben!” The shout came again, closer this time. There was a forceful knock on the bedroom door. “Are you done?”  
Ben grumbled under his breath, “This ginger prick, I swear to _God_ ,” he reluctantly peeled himself away from you, picking his pyjama pants up off of the floor and pulling them on. “Does he _ever_ fuck off.” He was talking more to himself than you, but you laughed all the same.  
“I can hear you, you fucking bastard, open the door.”  
God, had you missed their incessant bickering. You laughed again, and Ben did too as he stalked towards you. He pulled the covers up and over you, tucking you in amongst the pillows. “That body’s for my eyes only.” He winked, turning toward the door.  
“What?” He spat, swinging it open. Hux stood before him, clearly unimpressed. “I thought I told you to go home.”  
“I thought I told you to do some work?” Hux chided, clicking his tongue. “But I knew you wouldn't, so I’ve been doing it for you.”  
“Is that what you came to tell me?” Ben frowned, resisting the urge to lunge at him.  
“No,” Hux said, turning away and striding toward the living area. “Detective Finn is at the door, he wants a word.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He is so madly devoted to _you_. Hope you liked this. 
> 
> [Say hi on tumblr if you'd like!](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)


	20. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He stepped closer, reaching out and trailing a finger across your exposed collarbone. “You look…” he trailed off, head shaking slightly. “You look so beautiful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to quickly say, thank you guys SO much for 200+ kudos, for reading, for commenting, for letting me know that you're enjoying this. It means more than you know. I'm so glad that what started out as a daydream has turned into something people find enjoyment in. 
> 
> This chapter is a little on the longer side, but I wanted to fit it all in. I hope you enjoy!

Detective Finn was a good man. He wasn’t like the others, like the rest of the department that the Order had their hands in, eyes in. Finn couldn’t be corrupted, had a mind of his own, unlike the rest. Ben admired him for that, all things considered. Ben always thought Finn was an adept officer, an intelligent man. Would have recruited him, too, if he wasn’t so hellbent on taking down the Order’s of New York City with his own two hands. Ben knew he was capable. Knew he could probably do it, too. He’d like Finn an awful lot more if he didn’t mean so much trouble for his Order. Anyone else, they’d have him murdered. _“More trouble than he’s worth,”_ they’d say. But Ben didn’t believe in killing decent men. 

Ben tugged on a t-shirt, following Hux to the front door. Hux stood, as always, stoically at his side.  
“What can I do for you, Detective?” Ben asked, all innocent, all quiet, as he opened the door wider, allowing Finn inside.  
Finn observed him, looking Ben up and down, then flicking his eyes to Hux, who was impeccably dressed in his regular suit, hair slicked tightly back, as always. His eyes returned to Ben, falling on his exposed arms.  
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you out of a suit,” he scoffed, moving past the pair, further into the living area. “Casual suits you.”  
“We all need our days off,” Ben said, forcing a chuckle as he looked to Hux. “Well, some of us.”  
“I bet you do, after last night,” Finn said curtly, eyes moving around the room. “I heard about that little scene you made with Dryden Vos down in SoHo. Don’t think I don’t know that was you.”  
Ben didn’t respond. He simply clicked his tongue, folding his arms across his chest. Hux opened his mouth to speak, but Ben held up a hand, quickly silencing him. “Let the Detective speak.” he murmured.  
“There were innocent people at that club,” Finn continued. “People that could have caught the wrong end of one of your bullets. How’d you feel about that, hm?”  
“Endangering the lives of civilians isn’t something we take lightly,” Hux said quickly. “You should know that as well as we do.”  
“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen,” Finn retorted. “Doesn’t mean you won’t spill innocent blood. And believe me, the day you do will be the day I put the pair of you in cuffs.”  
Ben frowned. “I have no intention of ever letting anything like that happen again,” his tone was low, serious. “But perhaps you should be knocking on Dryden Vos’ door. Not to shift the blame, but that evening would have been perfectly quiet if he hadn’t shot first. Perhaps he’s the instigator you should be looking for.”  
Finn grunted. “Oh I will, he’s next on my list,” Finn moved toward the door. He paused, chewing the inside of his cheek before turning back to Ben, eyes narrowed. “You have any idea what it’s like? To be the only person in that department that sees you all for what you really are? You know how fucking helpless I feel, being the only one trying to do right by this city?”  
Ben was quiet for a moment, observing the pain, the anger, the rage in Finn’s features. “I know a lot about feeling helpless.”  
Before Finn had a chance to reply, Poe appeared at the open door. “Oh,” he stepped aside to give Finn space to move past him. “Detective Finn, a pleasure as always.”  
Hux rolled his eyes.  
“Poe,” Finn nodded politely. “I’ll be out of your way.”  
With that, he disappeared down the hallway, and Poe sheepishly stepped into the penthouse, closing the door behind him.  
“Say a word, and I’ll have your fucking head,” he nodded to Hux, whose lips were pressed tightly together to hide a smile. “You hear me? Your _head_.”  
“No, no,” Hux said, holding his hands up in a false surrender as Ben let out a laugh. “I think it’s awfully cute that you have a crush on Detective Finn. _Adorable_ , really.”  
“Did you not hear what I just said?” Poe reached to swat at him, but Hux dodged his movements, diving behind the kitchen island as Poe lunged for him. “C’mere, you little fucker-”  
Ben yanked the back of Poe’s suit jacket, pulling him backward and throwing him onto the sofa. “Give it up,” he laughed. “It’s like wrangling fucking toddlers with you two, sometimes.” He released Poe and turned to Hux. “Can you make sure Charles has the car ready for eight?”  
“Going somewhere?” Hux raised an eyebrow. “While I’ve been slaving away over your paperwork all afternoon?”  
“Maybe.”  
“Going on a date?” Poe piped up from the couch, hugging one of the pillows to his chest.  
“Something like that.”  
Ben was nervous, he’d have spent the whole day pacing were it not for you.  
“Oh,” Poe scoffed. “ _Now_ you wanna be quiet. How’d my advice pan out for you, huh?” He winked at Ben, who had turned beet red. Poe laughed heartily at that.  
“ _Poe_ ,” Ben warned sternly. “Watch it.”  
“Oh, watch _what_ , it’s just us.”  
“Well, if what I’ve been hearing from the office all bloody afternoon is anything to go by” Hux interjected, turning toward the coffee machine. “He was doing _something_ right.”  
Poe clapped his hands together with a cheer. “Pigs have finally fuckin’ flown!”  
“Shut up,” Ben hissed, leaning down over the back of the couch to grab Poe’s shoulder. “She’ll hear you.”  
“Pfft, she knows you were a fuckin’ virgin, dude, _relax_ ,” he chuckled. “So, how was it?”  
Ben could feel his face heating up just at the thought, at the memory of it. He clapped Poe’s shoulder, leaning down to say, “All I’ll say is, _thank you._ ”  
Poe grinned, raising his arms in a silent cheer as Ben retreated, stalking back to his room, where you were waiting for him. 

*

“Do you want me dressed up or down?” you called from your own room some time later, freshly showered with still damp hair. Ben stood in the doorway of his own bedroom so he could hear you through the closed door.  
“Uh,” he hadn’t thought about it, really, he’d been too panicked about everything else to even let it cross his mind. “Whatever you want.”  
“ _Ben_ ,” you warned. “Like, jeans or a dress?”  
“You’ll look beautiful in either.”  
“Oh my God, I’ll kill him,” you muttered under your breath as you stared into your closet. “Well what are _you_ wearing?”  
“Uh, the Chanel, I think.”  
“So, a suit?”  
“Yeah.”  
“So then you need me dressed _up_.” You flailed your arms in exasperation, even though he couldn’t see the gesture.  
Ben rolled his eyes, a laugh escaping him. “Sure.”  
He missed this, missed how flustered you’d get before dinners, wondering what suit he would wear so that you could match your dress. You, however, had _not_ missed this.  
“Is that suit black or navy or what?”  
“Um, like an off-black?” he shrugged, not quite sure.  
“What do you mean ‘off-black’, that’s not a thing.” You were getting frustrated now, rifling through your dresses.  
“Sure it is, like, kind of black but kind of blue-ish.”  
“Ben, that’s fucking _navy_.”  
He laughed. “Okay, navy, then.”  
“Alright,” you sighed, placing your hands on your hips. “Now, go away before you give me an aneurysm.”  
Ben chuckled, retreating into his room. You heard his door close, and you sighed in relief that he wouldn’t be able to hear you hurriedly talking to yourself, as you sometimes did when you panicked.  
Because you _were_ panicked. 

So much had happened within such a short space of time, your mind was struggling to process it all. And you should have expected it, really, because that’s what life in The Order had always been like. It had always been fast paced, impulsive, electrifying. Terrifying, sometimes. You’d grown so accustomed to the lazy, breezy drone of normality that you’d almost forgotten it. Forgotten the thrill. And Ben, he was thrilling. Funny, charming, powerful, and _yours_. You still couldn’t believe it, that you could kiss him whenever you wanted, you could hold his hand and stroke his face and watch him fall into the familiar lull of his dreams. You’d spent so long yearning that you’d resigned yourself to the fact that he would always be unattainable. Because why would he want _you_? He’d taught you how to ride a bike, helped you learn to read, never let you out of his sight. Scolded you for being reckless, for being a brat, for being a _kid_. You thought that, regardless of your age, that would be all you’d ever be to him - a kid, a kid he looked after, a kid he’d protect, but a kid nonetheless. But he did, he did want you. And you wanted to be perfect for him.

You whined in frustration, collapsing onto the bed. None of your dresses were right, nothing looked good enough. Your head whipped around at the sound of knocking.  
“What?”  
“You don’t sound happy,” Ben remarked, and you could hear the frown in his voice.  
“I have nothing to wear!”  
“You have _so_ many dresses in there, sweetheart, most of them still with the tags on.”  
“But none of them are _right_.”  
He was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. “Did you check the zipper bag in the back?”  
“The what?” you got up, wandering back to your closet, rifling through your dresses until you reached the back. You hadn’t noticed it in the dark, but just as Ben said, there was a zipper bag hanging in the back, hidden by your brighter jewelled dresses.  
“Remember that Gala we were supposed to go to, it was scheduled for a couple of weeks after you left? Well, I ordered you a dress for it. You were gone by the time it arrived.”  
His tone was solemn, quiet. You barely heard him through the door. And it shattered you, it really did, to think of him holding it, running his fingers over the fabric, thinking he’d never get to see you wear it.  
And when you opened it, when you saw the bardot neckline, the silky maroon fabric, the open back, the way it fell to touch the floor - you knew it was the _perfect_ dress. 

*

By 7.55PM, Ben was pacing back and forth in the living area, repeatedly going to and from the mirror that hung over the mantle and rearranging his hair.  
“Stop messing with your hair,” Hux said, without looking up from his papers. “You’re making it worse.”  
“Worse? Fuck, what was it like before? I’ll put it back the way it was.” Ben returned to the mirror, anxiously fluffing his hair again.  
Hux rolled his eyes, “Stop, leave-” he got up, swatting Ben’s hands away from his head. “Leave it, leave it! It’s fine. You’re panicking.”  
Ben exhaled loudly. “Of course I am, I’ve never done this before.”  
“I know, but,” Hux placed a hand on Ben’s back, guiding him away from the mirror. “It’s _her_. You’ve known her as long as she’s been alive.”  
“Yeah, I know,” Ben said flatly. “And she still makes me fucking nervous.”  
“Then you’re a lost cause,” Hux said, returning to his seat.  
“Way to give him a pep-talk, asshole,” Poe piped up from the kitchen. He sauntered into the living area, beer in hand. “Just relax, man, just be yourself.”  
Hux scoffed. “No advice is better than _that_.”  
Poe scowled. “She loves him, doesn’t she? For him? So he should be himself, right?”  
“Who did you think he was gonna be?” Hux retorted. “Did you think he was gonna show up as, I dunno, Colin Firth?”  
“Oh would you two shut _up,_ ” Ben hissed through gritted teeth. “You’re making it worse. And would you get _out_?” he picked up a cushion, flinging it at Poe who caught it easily. “Why are you always fucking here?”  
“Doing your job,” Hux said plainly.  
“Protecting you,” Poe answered simply. 

Ben shook his head in defeat, eyes flicking to his watch. He moved then, striding toward the hallway, calling your name. He heard your bedroom door open and shut, and then you were there, in front of him, glowing and smiling and oh so _perfect_. 

His reaction wasn’t lost on you, no. You noticed, saw how his breath caught in his throat, how his pupils began to dilate, how his mouth parted in awe. Nor did you miss how Poe hung over the back of the sofa, grinning like a Cheshire cat, or how Hux offered you a warm smile.  
“Well, don’t you look stunning!” Hux called, quickly followed by a, “Looking great, kid!” from Poe.  
You smiled, nodding in appreciation. Your eyes flicked back to Ben, who was struggling, as usual, to articulate his thoughts. He stepped closer, reaching out and trailing a finger across your exposed collarbone. “You look…” he trailed off, head shaking slightly. “You look so beautiful.”  
And so did he, really, he did. But he always did, somehow. He didn’t even have to try, didn’t need to spend hours preening himself to look so perfect. 

“You too,” you smiled, anxiety swallowing the rest of your words. He chuckled, leaning down and placing a chaste kiss to your forehead. He offered you his arm, then, as he turned toward the door.  
“Car’s here,” he murmured, then turned his head to regard Poe and Hux, who were both still slung over the back of the couch. “You’d both better be out of here when we get home,” He paused then, looking back to the hallway. “And check on him,” he said, inferring Alec. “He’s been awfully quiet.”  
You were so enamoured with Ben at that moment, so caught up in his flowing hair and gentle hands, that you didn’t pass a second thought to Alec. You didn’t care, you didn’t care about anything, because Ben had you, your arm in his, and for once, it wasn’t pretend. 

*

You weren’t quite sure what you were expecting, when you got into the car. You didn’t know where Ben was taking you, or why. So when he took you all the way to Queens, you were more than a little confused. Queens was the territory of Enfys Nest and The Cloud Riders, and though they had always been on remarkably good terms with The Order, you weren’t sure why you were there. Sensing your confusion, Ben reached for your knee, squeezing it softly.  
“Don’t worry,” he murmured. “Enfys knows we’re here.”  
You nodded, relieved you wouldn’t be stepping on any toes. You turned to look out the window, laying a hand over his where it remained on your knee.  
“We used to come here all the time when we were kids,” he said softly. “Do you remember?”  
You hummed, a smile creeping across your features. “I do,” you leaned back into the seat, “We’d always go to the beach, and you used to pick me up and throw me into the ocean.”  
He laughed at that. “I did.”  
Ben always did little things like that to prank you, growing up. Jumping out from behind doors to scare you, picking you up and throwing you around like a doll. It made you both laugh until your sides hurt and you couldn’t breathe. You smiled at the thought.  
The car pulled up to Rockaway beach, and in the darkness, you could tell the usually populated area had emptied out. You couldn’t imagine it being terribly busy in mid-fall, anyway. Ben quickly rounded to your side and opened your door, offering you his hand to help you out. He kept you pinned securely to his side as you walked along the boardwalk, and when you looked back, you noticed a second car pull up behind Charles, two Knights inside. You squeezed Ben’s arm, leaning into him.  
“So,” you murmured, craning your neck to look up at him. “The boardwalk, huh?”

Ben stammered slightly, struggling to get his words out. He was nervous, that much you could tell. When Ben was using his Kylo facade, you could never tell if he was nervous, or if he felt much of anything at all. It was an act he was so accustomed to, it was as though he became another person at the flick of a switch. Dark, brooding, stoic. But when he was himself, when there were no walls up, no one around to intimidate - well, it was easy to see the emotional, sensitive kid that still lived inside. 

“W-well, y’know,” he sighed, running his free hand through his hair. “I’ve never done this before, y’know, a date. I just wanted to take you somewhere that was ours. Somewhere we had memories…” he trailed off for a moment, turning to peer down at you through dark lashes. “Somewhere you’d love.”  
You stopped walking, turning to stand in front of him. You brought your hand up to touch his face, gently trailing your fingertips over his cheekbone, his jaw. He leaned into the touch.  
“I do love it,” you whispered. “It’s perfect. Like you.”  
You felt the heat burning beneath his skin as he blushed, and you couldn’t help but smile at that. He brought his hand up to hold your wrist, his eyes fluttering closed to relish in the feel of your skin on his, the way he could feel the thrum of your heartbeat through the pulse-point on your wrist. The way he could hear the soft lap of the waves against the sand, the quiet hum of the city in the background.  
He pulled you close to his chest, and you wrapped your other arm around his torso. He whispered your name so softly, you almost hadn’t heard it. When you looked up, he was staring down at you with glassy eyes.  
“There’s something…” he trailed off, moving your hand from his face and entwining it with his, holding it to his chest.  
_It’s now or never._  
“I just need you to know something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come say hello on tumblr, if you'd like!](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)  
> Thank you for reading!


	21. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He could feel the bile rising in his throat, could feel his hands trembling, could feel his eyes begin to betray him, allowing tears to flow freely down his cheek. And he cursed it, cursed his entire body for its betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I am so very nervous for this chapter and how you guys will receive it. Worry not, though, we're nowhere near the end. I don't _think_ , anyway. There's still a lil bit of a wild ride to go on. 
> 
> Thank you again for taking time out of your day to read this. Hoping you enjoy it!

Ben looked away for a moment, steeling himself.  
“You know….” he sighed, and you noticed then that his hands shook softly as they held you. “You know, I have to send out the engagement notice. I’m declaring war tonight.”  
Your eyes fell to your hand, your bare ring finger. You’d left the ring behind, concealed safely in its box. It felt so wrong to wear it, to prance around wearing something that held such a deep meaning to Ben’s family when you had no business wearing it at all. Though you only then realised the implications of leaving it behind - of the possibility of Enfys Nest seeing you in her territory, ringless. 

“I’m so sorry,” you said hurriedly. “I just, I thought I should only wear it if we’re at a dinner or something, you know? It’s not mine to parade around. I don’t want to lose it, or act like it’s mine.”  
Ben shook his head quickly. “It _is_ yo-” he cut himself off, gripping your hand tighter. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, and you could tell as much, by the way his breath came in shaky sighs.  
He inhaled deeply, steadying himself. You felt his grip relax slightly.  
“You know my first memory is of holding you, when your parents brought you home from the hospital,” he pulled you closer to his chest, and you laughed. “I mean, obviously you don’t remember because you were like, just born but I do. And my mom kept yelling at me to hold your head up right, and I remember feeling so fuckin’ stressed out cuz I’m like, three years old and trying not to accidentally kill you.”

You could hear the smile in his voice, and you laughed again. “I mean, thanks for not dropping me.”  
He chuckled. “We had a few close calls,” you felt his hand reach upward and stroke your hair softly. “Since that day, you’ve been my whole world. Everything I’ve done, every thought I’ve ever had, you’ve been the centre of it all. And I don’t know if it’s even possible to know you any better than I do now, but all I want to do is spend every waking moment I have for the rest of my life, learning you. Learning more of you,”  
You pulled back just enough to look at him. He was staring down at you intently, expression unreadable. 

“Those years you were gone...I never want to relive that. I never want to be without you again. I didn’t want to send out the notices, I didn’t want to fake it anymore, not this,” He pulled back from you then, releasing you from his grip. Before you knew what was happening, before your mind had caught up to reality, he had pulled the familiar velvet box from his pocket. The same little box that you’d left on his dresser the night before. He glanced at you nervously, and you could see his eyes begin to glisten ever so slightly under the glow of the streetlamps. And then, like something out of one of those romance movies you used to make him watch with you as a pre-teen, he dropped to one knee. And there he was, there you both were, under the moonlight on the boardwalk by the ocean, where you’d ran around as children. 

“I know how fast this is, I know,” he was speaking a mile a minute, like the words couldn’t come quick enough. “But this ring was given to me with you in mind. It _is_ yours, it belongs with you, it always has. Because it’s always _been_ you. There’s never been anyone else and there never will be. I can’t stand the thought of sending out a fake notice, not when I want to do this, I’ve always wanted to do this, because I want _you_. I want you, always. In every way, on every bad day, I want you. I-I know I belong with you, and I don’t know how to ask this properly but I just...I-I...Would you marry me?”

He could feel the bile rising in his throat, could feel his hands trembling, could feel his eyes begin to betray him, allowing tears to flow freely down his cheek. And he cursed it, cursed his entire body for its betrayal. It was supposed to be smooth, it was supposed to be calm and charming and he hadn’t even said everything he’d wanted to say. But you did that to him. You made him nervous, made him shake and worry and sweat because you had such a power over him, a power he couldn’t explain or understand. But he was transfixed by you, enchanted by you, and he always had been. He was sure he always would be, too. 

But then you dropped to your knees too, levelling yourself with him. And he was so afraid then, that you’d close the box, throw it away, tell him it was too soon. And you’d be right, he knew that, he knew right well. But you had both spent so many years waiting for this moment - hadn’t you waited long enough?  
But you didn’t close the box, or throw it away. You let your own tears fall - tears of joy, of love, of _relief_ that this moment was finally yours. It was no longer lingering quietly in your imagination, in your daydreams. It was happening and you could touch it, touch him as he knelt there, looking at you like you’d hung the galaxy itself. You were nodding before you were speaking, tears falling right into your mouth and tasting of salt as you whispered, “Of course I will, Ben.” 

He let out the breath he’d been holding, limbs trembling harder than before as he grabbed you, pulling you to him. You met him in the middle, lips colliding, his hand coming up to cup your face tightly. “I love you,” he whispered into your mouth. “I love you so much.”  
“I love you too,” and you let yourself cry then, really cry. Choked sobs escaped you as you clung to his suit jacket, his hands, his face, wherever you could reach. “So much, Ben, so much.”  
He slipped the ring onto your finger, clutching your shaking hands, and only then did it finally feel like it belonged. 

*

He was nothing short of feral, once he had you back in the car. You were grateful, then, in your only real moment of coherence, for the tinted divider between you and the driver. His hands were everywhere - your hair, your legs, your neck. And you were oh so _elated_ , your mind was like buzzing static, unable to really focus on anything other than him - his lips, his skin, his hands.  
He dragged himself away from your lips, mouth moving to your neck, hands gliding up and up your thighs.  
“I’ll never understand why you want me,” he mumbles into the skin just below your ear. “But you’ll never know how glad I am that you do.”  
Your fingers tangled in his hair, pulling his lips back to yours for a searing, burning kiss. His hands moved up your thighs, up your rib-cage, finally settling on your face. You broke this kiss, eyes searching his.  
“I want you because you’re you,” you breathe. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”  
The way he smiled, the way his eyes lit up in the most gorgeous way - it made your stomach flip, made your spine tingle, made your breath catch in your throat. He leaned in again, lips colliding with yours - you could feel it, his hunger, his adrenaline. You could practically hear his heart, pounding, racing beneath his rib-cage. “God,” he says, words slipping into your mouth with his tongue. “I can’t wait to get you home, get you out of this dress,” one of his hands dropped from your face, gliding up your thigh, fingers following how the fabric split there. “Been thinking about it since you walked out of that room.”  
You pulled at his tie, bringing him closer still, mewling into his mouth. He groaned, clutching at your skin. Just then, the car came to a halt, and Charles tapped on the perspex divide. 

“Sir Ren,” he announced, loud enough for you to hear through the screen that separated you. “We’ve arrived at home.”  
“Thank you, Charles,” Ben breathed, pulling you across the seat and toward the door. “Let’s go, beautiful.” He whispers, opening the door and gently pulling you out of the car. You were just about to lean up, to kiss his cheek, to tell him he was just the sweetest thing, when a loud pop, not too dissimilar from a gunshot, sounded next to you, making you jump right out of your skin. Ben immediately reached for his holster, pushing you back into the car as he turned.

“Jesus, _fuck_!” he yelled harshly, seeing Poe, Hux and Phasma standing before him with a now open bottle of champagne, all smiles and open arms. “Are you trying to give me fucking heart failure?”  
He turned around, apologising profusely for pushing you backward. You laughed, taking his arm and standing back to your full height beside him. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop the giddy grin that spread across your face, or the butterflies that swarmed your stomach.  
Poe cheered, and Ben, bless his heart, looked flustered as ever. “What are you all-”  
“I’m not bloody stupid, Ben,” Hux smiled. “Let’s just say I had a _feeling._ ”  
Ben didn’t even have a chance to respond, to smile, to do anything, because Charles rounded the car, then, handing a camera to Phasma.  
“Your photographs, as requested, Lady Phasma.”  
“Y-” Ben stared on incredulously, almost unable to speak. “Your photos? _What_ photos?”  
“Well, Phasma hasn’t sent out the notices yet, sir. Hux had a notion of what you may do, so he asked that I take a photo, perhaps for the notices, or just for you to have, Sir Ren.”  
Ben’s complexion tinged with red, his temper, his rage bubbling just below the surface. He looked to Hux, regarding him with an icy glare. “Up the stairs. _Now._ ”

The short journey to the penthouse was spent in silence, Ben pulling you along so fast, so roughly that you almost thought you’d fall. You tugged at his arm, a silent plea for him to slow down, which he did. The moment he unlocked the door, the moment everyone clamoured into the apartment, everyone was talking over each other.  
“What is the _matter_ with you?” Hissed Hux, while Poe grumbled in support.  
“We can send them out with the notices!” Phasma exclaimed, shutting the door behind her.  
Ben scoffed incredulously, “The hell we can.” He released you, turning into the living area and straight for the liquor tray.  
“It’ll make it look real, because it _is_ real.” Hux said as he followed Ben.  
“Anyone can pose for a fuckin’ photo, Hux. You’re not sending these out, do you hear me?”  
Hux rolled his eyes, crossing his arms firmly across his chest. “Why?”  
“Aren’t you proud?” Poe asked, gesturing to you. They were all speaking about you as if you weren’t there, as if you had no say in any of this. You couldn't help but assume, though, that they were used to you being gone. Used to you not being there, used to your absence. “Aren’t you happy? Haven’t you waited like, what, you’re whole damn life for this?”  
Ben turned, his face stony, visibly seething. “Of _course_ I am,” he said through gritted teeth, gripping his glass so tightly that you were sure he would crush it. “But that moment, it’s mine. It’s _ours_ , and they-” he waved his arm, gesturing to the window, to the city. “They don’t get to see that. They don’t get to have that.”  
“Would you-” Poe started, rounding the sofa and coming up behind Ben, gripping his shoulder and spinning him around to face him. “Would you just, for five fucking minutes, just _stop_?”  
“Excuse me?” 

“Just stop! Just stop being so-” Poe made a gesture with both hands, waving them around frantically. “You know? Just...Just let go, man. The girl you haven’t shut the fuck _up_ about the entire time I’ve known you has agreed to marry you and you’re souring it for yourself _and_ for her by being so fucking uptight!” he released Ben’’s shoulder and pointed to where you stood, glued to your spot between the window and the sofa. “Look at her! She’s right there and she’s beautiful and she’s going to _marry_ you. She wants to be with _you._ How long have you waited for this, huh? So forget the fucking notices, forget the fucking declaration - let’s do it tomorrow, whenever, who gives a fuck. She’s right there, man. You’re both right here, we’re all fucking here with you, let’s just _celebrate_ it.” 

You looked up, your gaze meeting his molten eyes as he placed his glass back on the tray. You saw how his eye twitched, how his bottom lip quivered, and you knew then that he was sorry, that he never meant for such an outburst. He moved, crossing the room in a few quick strides, and then he was in front of you, on you, big hands cradling your face, tilting your lips up to meet his in the softest, sweetest kiss you could have imagined.  
The cheers of your friends, the clink and clatter of glasses, the sloshes of alcohol being poured were all but background noise to you as you clutched his arms. His thumbs circled your cheeks gently as he pulled away.  
“I-I’m s-”  
“I know,” you whisper, cutting him off. “He’s right, you know. I’m gonna marry you. So let's celebrate.”  
He let his breath escape him as he smiled, eyes shining as he looked down on you with such adoration, you almost couldn’t stand it.  
“Mine.” He murmured, the pads of his fingertips trailing from your cheek, down your neck, across your collarbone. You hum in contentment, relishing the electricity that followed in the wake of his feather-light touches.  
“Yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come say hello on tumblr, if you'd like!](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)


	22. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re still in that dress,” he murmured against your skin. “And I still want you out of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this chapter was going to be short but I guess not, lol. Also didn't intend for smut but how and ever. I didn't have a huge amount of time to go over this chapter, so I apologise profusely for any errors. I hope you enjoy.

The music was soft, the atmosphere almost incandescent. Phasma sat at the piano, playing soft notes as the sun began to rise across New York city. The golden hue slid through the windows, across the coffee table, illuminating Ben’s features, creating a halo effect around his hair. You smiled to yourself, thinking how fitting that would be, if he were really an angel. Because he was, honestly. To you, anyway. 

You’d spent hours dancing with your friends, singing sweet melodies and reminiscing on times past. You were excited, and you told them so. Told them how you couldn’t wait to make more memories with them, how you couldn’t wait to spend the rest of your days wrapped up in the finest set of souls you could have ever found. And they smiled and they hugged you close and you felt like you were in a dream. A wonderful, perfect dream.

“Whose turn is it to check on the headache?” Poe asked, slurring his words and swirling his champagne around in his glass. He lounged sleepily on the far end of the sofa, leaning his weight against Hux. “Dibs not it.”  
Hux rolled his eyes, reluctantly peeling himself from the cushions, allowing Poe to fall sideways. “Seeing as I’m the resident fucking babysitter,” he mumbled, straightening his dress-shirt. “I suppose I’ll take this one for the team.” He trudged around the couch, disappearing into the hallway, muttering as he went.

Ben laughed at Hux’s begrudging mutterings, and your heart felt so, so very warmed by the sound.   
_He doesn’t laugh enough_ you thought, as you curl into him. He had you bundled in his arms in the opposite corner of the sofa, both of you light, breezy, _happy_. His suit jacket was strewn across the back cushions, his tie loosened, your heels kicked off somewhere underneath the coffee table. He pressed his lips to your temple, leaning down to whisper in your ear. Little _‘I love you’_ ’s, little _‘you’re beautiful’_ ’s, his breath hot on your cheek. Your hand slipped under the fabric of his shirt where his top two buttons were undone, fingers running across the warm skin of his collarbone. You giggled softly and you felt him smile against your skin. It was a perfect, perfect moment.   
Until it wasn’t. 

“ _Ben_ ,” Hux called sternly, and if you didn’t know him as well as you did, you wouldn’t have noticed the tinge of panic to his voice. “Ben, come here.”  
“What?” Ben called back, irritated once more.   
“Come _here_ , I said.”  
Ben exhaled harshly through his nose, and he turned to kiss your forehead. “I hate him,” he stated as he shifted you, manoeuvring himself from underneath you. “I really hate him.”  
You smiled dreamily, leaning back into the cushions in a dreamy, champagne haze. “No you don’t.”  
He smirked, winking at you before sauntering toward the hallway, champagne glass still in hand.

“What?” he stood before Hux, who stood in the doorway of the guest-room where Alec had all but quarantined himself.   
Hux jerked his head in the direction of the room. “Look in there,” he said flatly. “And tell me what you see.”  
Ben moved around him, pushing the door open fully. The bed was perfectly made, the curtains drawn, windows shut, the en-suite door open. And there was no Alec. Ben felt the blood drain from his face. He rushed the room, flinging the closet doors open, just to be sure.   
“Impossible,” he breathed, spinning around. His eyes were frantic, his blood cold. “We’re on the top floor, with the best security detail in the fucking country outside the damn front door, he _can’t_ have gotten out.”  
Hux raised his hand to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “ _Clearly_ , he did.”  
“ _How_?” Ben all but bellowed. “You’ve been here all fucking _day_!”  
“And I’m telling you, he didn’t fucking come past me!”  
Ben roared in anger, flinging his glass across the room. It shattered against the wall, and his chest heaved, his fists clenched.   
“Ben?” You appeared beside Hux, brushing past him. His eyes softened when he saw you, they always did. “Ben, what’s wrong?”  
“He’s gone,” he muttered, holding your gaze. “Alec, he’s gone.”  
You turn, then, looking frantically around the room.   
“H-how?”  
“I don’t know,” he murmured, and you felt the panic rise inside you - if anything happened to Alec, anything at all, it was on _you._ It would be _your_ fault. Ben pulled you close to his chest. “I’m sorry.”  
“It’s not your fault,” you replied, shaking your head. “Do you think someone took him?”  
“I don’t know,” he sighed, moving his attention to Hux, who stood in sheer disbelief. “But we have to find him, before Dryden Vos does.”  
“If he doesn’t already have him,” Hux said, folding his arms. “I suppose now is a good time to put out the notice and declaration.”  
Ben nodded, and Hux disappeared in the direction of Ben’s study.   
“I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, Ben,” you felt that familiar lump in your throat as your eyes became wet. You blinked away the tears, turning your face into Ben’s chest. “I know I didn’t…” you trailed off, biting your lip. “I know I was with him for the wrong reasons, but he doesn’t deserve that. This.”  
“I know, angel,” he said softly, rubbing comforting circles into the small of your back. “We’ll find him.”

*

“How the hell did he get out?” Poe exclaimed, pacing around the living area. “The guys a fuckin’ tool, he couldn’t have done it on his own. No way.”   
Hux sighed, running a hand over his face. “I’m inclined to agree with you,” his eyes flicked up, then, settling on Poe. “But _you’re_ security detail.”  
“Oh, don’t put this on me,” Poe snapped. “I’m _her_ security detail, not his,” he nodded to you, folding his arms. “But seeing as you were on baby-sitting duty,” Poe continued, pointing to Hux. “When did _you_ last see him?”  
Hux shrugged. “When you last saw me check on him, after they left at eight.” He nodded toward you and Ben.  
“And he was definitely in there?”  
“Unless I was bloody hallucinating, Poe, yes, he was in there, moping on his bed like a fucking three year old.”  
“Did he say anything?”  
“No, I asked him if he wanted anything, he shook his head. I asked him if he wanted to come out and join us, he shook his head, then he asked to be left alone, so I left the poor fucker _alone_.”  
“What was he so mopey for?” Poe asked, sitting down on the sofa.   
Hux looked at him incredulously. “Are you fucking stupid? _Them!_ ” Hux bellowed, gesturing to the pair of you with an open palm.   
“He’s mopey about _them,_ God knows he’s been listening to them riding like rabbits all bloody day.”   
“ _Hey!_ ” Ben roared, and you felt your face flush a deep shade of crimson. Ben lunged in Hux’s direction, giving him a sharp smack across the back of the head.   
“You fucking watch it, you hear me?”  
“Oh, give it up,” Hux swatted him away, rubbing the back of his head. “I’m happy for you both, we all are, but he certainly isn’t.”   
“In all fairness,” Phasma sighed, crossing her legs, ever poised. “He’s had a very intense couple of days. A bit of a whirlwind for a boy like him, really.” 

You felt cold, shaken, not quite connected to reality. You hadn’t felt much like yourself at all since arriving back in New York. Not because you didn’t want to be there, not because you felt you didn’t belong, or that it wasn’t right - because it _was_ , it was so right, and you finally felt at home again. Yet, you still felt like a shell of what you once were, of the woman you knew was still buried somewhere inside you, under layers of dust and rubble. Your mind hadn’t caught quite up on reality, leaving you lingering on the precipice, balancing on a tightrope between who you used to be, and who you were becoming. 

“You’ve sent out the declaration, yes?”   
Your voice startled the group, you’d been sitting in haze of solemn silence for the past hour. Hux stammered for a moment, before saying, “Yes, everything’s been sent out,” he shifted his gaze to Ben, who sat next to you. “Sans photos, as requested.”  
“So then,” you clasped your hands together. “We go to them.”  
“What?” Poe’s eyes widened. “Go to who, what do you mean?”  
“Chances are, Dryden Vos has him. Right?” You gestured to Poe. “You said yourself, he couldn’t have gotten out alone,” you composed yourself, straightening your back. You felt Ben’s eyes on you. “So, we bring the war to them. I mean, we’ve declared it anyway. Might as well get going.”

The room fell into silence for several moments, before Hux released a defeated sigh.   
“You two really are made for each other, do you know that?”  
You blinked, cocking your head to the side in confusion. He continued, “You both have this...this _relentless_ fucking affinity for half-cocked plans that could get us all killed.”   
Ben let out a halfhearted chuckle.   
“Always worked for us, though, hasn’t it?”  
“By the grace of fucking God, it has,” Hux mumbles. “You have your father’s dumb luck, that’s the only reason any of us, any of _this_ , is still standing.”  
“I’m not hearing you object.”  
“Because every time I do object, you just fucking go in, guns blazing anyway,” Hux leaned back in exasperation. “There’s no _point_.”  
Poe cleared his throat, clapping his hands together - ever excited to dive right into the thick of things. “So, when do we leave?”  
Ben glanced to the cock on the mantle, the hands settling at 5:15 in the morning.   
“Tonight,” he said, authority clear in his voice. “Rest first, sober up. Get yourselves ready. This could be a long night.”

*

In the very back of Ben’s penthouse, behind a bolted door inside the study, was the armory. You didn’t intend to take much - but you needed enough ammunition, enough weaponised insurance, to keep yourselves alive. Because really, that was the only plan you had. Stay alive. 

“Have you alerted the rest?” You asked him as you riffled through boxes, looking for the right ammunition for your hand-gun. You were inferring the rest of his men, the lower ranks of the order, all of whom were strangers to you. Always had been, really.  
Ben nodded, turning away from the shelf filled floor to ceiling with various weapons. “They’ll be on the periphery. I want to go in there myself.”  
You sighed.   
“You know, most bosses don’t get their hands dirty. You ever see Maul out in the mess? There’s a reason he has Vos running around like a headless rat for him,” you bite your lip, stepping closer to him. “You don’t always have to be on the front line, you know.”  
Ben chuckled. “Well,” he reached up to trace his fingers across your cheek. “You want something done, you gotta do it yourself.”  
You hummed, leaning up to place a kiss on his cheek.   
“Sweetheart, I’d f-”  
You cut him off immediately.  
“If you’re gonna ask me to stay here with one of the Knights, then the answer is no,” you turned away, back to your ammunition. “I’m going.”

He sighed your name in frustration, but you interrupted him again before he could start his tirade.  
“I know, I know what you’re gonna say, that you’d feel better if I was at home, but listen,” you swivelled to face him, arms crossed. “I was right in there, feet on the ground, same as you, before I left. We were a team, we worked together. I was good at it, too. And I still can be. It’s my Order to protect, too,” your voice began to raise, cracking slightly as you spoke, and you saw his face soften. “Besides, it’s my fault. I ran, I got Alec into this mess, I started all of this, let me help you finish it.”

He breathed your name again, reaching for you, pulling you to him by your shoulders. He gripped you tightly, desperately.  
“This is not your fault, and you are _more_ than capable, angel, I never doubted that,” his eyes were glassy, sincere, worried. “I spent those years you were gone in...in _mourning_ , it was like you were dead, like I’d never get you back, like I’d never touch you again,” he shook your shoulders slightly, fingers buried into your soft skin. “And now you’re here, and I have you, and y-you want me, and I can’t lose you, not again.”

And oh God, how your heart shattered for him, how it cracked right down the middle with guilt for what you’d put him through. You reached for his face, pouring as much love, as much affection as you could into how you held him.   
“You’ll never lose me again, Ben,” and you saw his face soften, pain still clear in his eyes. “I promise.”  
He nodded subtly, his large hand reaching up to engulf your wrist. He leaned down, placing his lips softly against your temple, dragging them down your jaw, your neck. He hummed in contentment when he felt you lean in to his touch. 

“You’re still in that dress,” he murmured against your skin. “And I still want you out of it.”  
“Ben,” you warned, though you were smiling all the same. “Anyone could walk in!”  
“They won’t,” his lips continued their descent along your throat, his hands sliding down the exposed skin of your back. “It’s just us, sweetheart.”  
His hands moved to the zipper of your dress, and his head lifted then, eyes meeting yours in search of approval. You nodded, and he exhaled shakily as the garment slipped off your shoulders, pooling around your ankles on the hardwood floor.  
“I’ll never get tired of that,” he breathed. “Of seeing you, exposed like this.”  
“Only for you.” you murmured in response, and he growled, his hands moving to the back of your thighs, lifting you to sit on the countertop in one swift movement. His lips crashed hungrily against yours, and he groaned as you shifted your hips, grinding against him. You pulled him closer by his loosened tie, moving your hands to grapple with the buttons on his dress shirt. He made quick work of shrugging out of it, lips still working frantically against your own. 

“I need to taste you.” he mumbled into your mouth, and he dropped to his knees then, pulling your hips closer to the edge of the counter. It was a sight you’d never get used to - Ben Solo dropping to his knees before you in an act of decadent worship. A sight you intended to commit to memory, a sight you never wanted to forget. His palms glided up your thighs, only stopping when they reached the hem of your underwear. He pulled them downward slowly, revelling in how you were revealed to him.   
“My gorgeous girl,” he said softly, more to himself than to you. “So perfect.”  
You both moaned loudly as his tongue made contact, and he moved to rest your calves over his shoulders, hands pinning your thighs to the table as he made little kitten-licks against your clit. You arched your back, hands tangling in his hair, pulling him further into you. He hummed, the vibrations going right through you. 

He slipped two fingers into you then, curling them right where you needed them, and you keened for him, legs tensing against his back. He sucked at your clit and you stuttered. You were trying to say his name, trying to tell him what you needed, but words failed you. All that you could manage were short, sharp breaths and languid moans.   
“I have you, I’ve got you,” he said quietly into your heat. “I’ve got you.”  
He made quick work of you, pulling you over the edge faster than you thought possible. You clenched tightly around his fingers and he groaned at the feel of it, teeth scraping so lightly against your clit. You cried out, chest heaving as came. You almost couldn’t see, your skin felt numb, almost like it was buzzing, tingling like a static television screen. You tried in vain to catch your breath, your throat burning from swallowing air so harshly.   
Ben stood up, pulling your body close to his, lips lingering at the shell of your ear. His hand reached for yours, fingers circling around your engagement ring.   
“I love you,” he murmured. “And I’m not done with you yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come say hello on tumblr!](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)


	23. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looked at you like no one else ever had, like you created the universe with your own bare hands. And it dawned on you, then, as his fingers gently moved to interlock with yours, that he always had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for how late this update is. For some reason, I really struggled with this chapter.  
> It's a little short, but I need all the room I can get for our next chapter, so apologies for that!  
>  **There is a brief reference to a past attempted sexual assault in this chapter** , I know that it's there in the tags, but I wanted to forewarn all the same. **Please do not read this chapter if that is something triggering or upsetting for you.** It will not be mentioned again after this chapter. If you would like to read the chapter until that point, it is brought up after Reader wakes from her dream.
> 
> The first half of this chapter is just unapologetic smut, anyways. A lil treat, before we get out gun's out for the next chapter.

The way he looked at you, when he laid you down on the dark sheets of his bed - it had your heart hammering in your chest, had your breath catching and sticking in your throat. He looked at you like no one else ever had, like you created the universe with your own bare hands. And it dawned on you, then, as his fingers gently moved to interlock with yours, that he always had. You were blind to it when you were young, so wrapped up in your own mind, in your own anxieties, but he did. You wondered for a moment, if he ever saw how you looked at him, too. The way your eyes sparkled for him, the way your gaze would linger on his lips, on his neck, on his chest.  
You hoped he did.

You were coaxed away from your thoughts as Ben stilled his movements, biting his bottom lip in silent frustration. You could tell that he was trying, but for all of his feigned confidence, for all of his lust, he was still unsure of himself. You reached up, trailing your fingers down his cheek as his eyes fluttered closed. 

“It’s okay,” you whispered, and he let out the breath he’d been holding. “You’re still learning, we both are.”  
Because you were too, really. You were learning _him_ , exploring _him_ but also coming to terms with your own pleasure, your own desires - things Alec had never paid much heed to.  
His eyes opened slowly, and he leaned down, lips ghosting across yours so lightly that you’d barely felt it at all. His forehead pressed against yours as his hand moved to your wrist, his thumb circling the veins there.  
“Show me,” he breathed, lips moving against yours as he spoke. “Show me what you want, and I’ll give it to you.”  
And it frustrated you, really, the way your body screamed for him, the way it reacted to every little touch, to every word he spoke. Because it made it so hard for you to discern what it was that you wanted - your body just wanted _him_. All of him, everywhere. You whined into his mouth in quiet protest - you couldn’t articulate what you wanted, couldn’t put it into words. Ben chuckled, kissing you softly before pulling away just enough to speak, “You can show me, I know you can.”  
You hesitantly took hold of his hand, moving it between your bodies, between your legs. Ben smiled against your lips, humming in satisfaction.  
“You want more?”  
You nodded sheepishly, feeling your cheeks heat up. You felt nervous, and Ben soon realised as much. He moved his lips to your cheek, to your temple, to your forehead, just as he slowly began to rub the pads of his fingertips softly against your clit.  
“Don’t be nervous,” he whispered, lips moving to graze across the shell of your ear. “You can ask me for anything, and I’ll always give it to you, princess.” 

You didn’t have the time - or the capacity - to think of the irony in it, of how he comforted you for being nervous. No, your mind couldn’t comprehend anything but him, his lips, his touch. You moaned softly as his lips met yours once more, two fingers moving to push inside of you, so slowly, so carefully. You bucked your hips up into his hand, and he moved his thumb to circle against your clit. Your back arched up off the bed, and he fought to keep his lips attached to yours, kissing you deeply.  
“Right here?” he mumbled into your mouth, applying more pressure to your clit. When you keened, legs constricting around his middle, he smirked. “Mm, where else?”

Your languid moans, your quiet sighs and gyrating hips - it was all that Ben needed to regain his confidence, his control. It was because of _him_ , his touch, his movements, that had you feeling like this. The thought made him groan as he watched you, your hips bucking at an angle, encouraging him to crook his fingers inside of you.  
“That’s my girl,” he sighed contentedly, hips rocking into your side. It didn’t take long for you to start unravelling - he made such quick work of you, and you thought that perhaps the added fact of it simply being _Ben_ who hovered above you, made things all the more erotic. 

Your hands flew to clutch at his back as you came apart on his fingers, and he groaned at the sensation of your walls clenching around them. After giving you a moment to regain your senses, Ben withdrew his fingers and brought them to his mouth. He made a noise of contentment before looking back to you, searching your face for permission.  
“Can I?”  
You smiled, nodding quickly.  
“But let me,” you said quietly, moving to sit upward, rolling Ben onto his back. “Let me do some of the work.”  
You winked, but Ben didn’t quite catch it - he already looked slightly panicked at the thought of a new position.  
“Are you sure?” His voice was laced with concern, not quite understanding. You tugged at his slacks and underwear until they were all the way off, discarded on the bedroom floor.  
“I’m sure,” you whispered, positioning yourself. “Are you ready?”

Ben nodded feverishly, hands gripping your hips as you sank down onto his length. The sensation drew a guttural moan from him as his back arched slightly, his head thrown back amongst the pillows. He swore under his breath, fingernails digging into the skin of your hips. You paused for a moment, allowing you both to adjust to the sensation - the sheer size of him had you feeling impossibly full. When you started to move, lifting yourself up, up, up, Ben’s chest heaved as he moaned loudly. You set a slow and steady pace, and God, did he love the sight before him. The way your hips moved up and down his length, the way he could see how he disappeared inside of you, the way your body curved, the way your mouth fell open - he had to calm himself, stave off the orgasm that was building to quick inside of him. His hands trailed up your back, across your chest, down your stomach, and you sighed in pleasure. He whispered your name, hips snapping roughly up into you, unable to control himself any longer. You leaned forward, allowing him to encase you with one arm, his other hand moving down between your sweat slicked bodies - because he had to, had to see you come apart once more, around him.  
“F-fuck,” he grunted, hips slamming up into you so deep, so fast. Your forehead rested against his, your hands clutching his shoulders as he took you apart, piece by piece. “You’re so perfect,” he groaned, increasing pressure on your clit, “So fucking perfect and all mine.”  
You whined, the pleasure becoming too much as he slammed into you once, twice, three times more before you both came apart, wrapped around each other, bodies heaving with laboured breaths. 

You settled in his arms, your overtired limbs entangled in his, your heavy eyelids succumbing to the promise of sleep.  
“Rest,” he whispered into your hair. “You need it, my love.”  
You smiled softly as your dreams overcame you, Ben keeping you safely tucked into his chest. 

*

_You could hear Alec calling your name - soft at first, gentle, even. But it soon turned urgent, anxious, frantic, until it developed into a gurgled scream. It frightened you, the sound - but what unsettled you most of all, was how little you could see. Surrounded by grey mist, tinged with deep purple and crimson hues, your visibility was poor. And you could feel it, feel the chill of the mist as it crept around your wrists, your ankles, your neck, like vines intent on ensnaring you. You tried to scream, tried to call out to Alec, tried to tell him you were sorry, that you’d find him - but you couldn’t, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. The words stuck at the base of your throat, and panic overcame you, your heart began to race and race and race until you heard him. Ben’s voice was faint, distorted, but it was there - you tried to move, scream, wave, anything to draw him to you, but you were stuck, paralysed. You tried to push through it, tried to move despite the numbness that spread through your limbs, but it was no use. You felt your breathing begin to falter - there wasn’t enough air in your lungs, not enough room for you to breathe. But you felt it, then, the pressure on your shoulders, on your face, and Ben’s voice was became more coherent, you could hear him repeating your name, louder, louder, louder, until -_

You woke with a start, gulping, gasping for air, back lifting right off the bed with the fright of it all. Your ears were ringing and your eyes hadn’t yet adjusted, you could only just make out Ben’s figure as he held you close to him, anchoring you back into reality, back into him. 

“You’re okay,” you heard him say, his voice floating back into your mind, your senses beginning to come down from the assault of your dream. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you, you’re okay.”  
You only realised then that you were shaking, that you were crying, and one of his hands gripped yours tightly. He shushed you, rocking you slightly, an attempt to calm your laboured breathing and trembling limbs. He pressed a soft kiss to your temple, pulling you impossibly closer into his chest.  
“It’s my fault,” you finally choked out. “He could be dead already, and it’ll be my fault.”  
You could feel him shake his head, “No,” he said sternly. “Nothing, none of this is your fault. It never has been, it never will be.”  
“How can you say that?” you sobbed, “It’s my fault he’s here.”  
“And it’s my fault you ever met him. It’s my fault you ran.”  
You shook your head, sniffling as another sob escaped you.  
“I never told you why I ran.”  
“I don’t think you have to, I’ve relived that night in my head enough times to have figured it out,” he murmured, “And it was, it was my fault.”  
You paused for a moment, shifting slightly to face him, tears still streaming from your bloodshot eyes.  
“Why do you think that?”  
“I scared you, what I did that night,” his voice was low, solemn. “It scared you, and it should have - I acted like a fucking monster.”  
“No,” you shook your head frantically. “I wasn’t scared, not of that,” and you tried not to let the memory replay in your head, tried not to feel the man’s icy grip on your wrists or how your back hit the cold brick wall, or how he’d tried to force your legs apart. You tried not to remember your scream, or how Ben had heard from around the corner. You tried not to hear how he roared, or hear the sound of fist meeting skull - of bones crushing, of blood gushing. You tried not to, but you did. You relived it anyway. 

It should have terrified you - the blood, the screams, the thought of what could have happened to you if Ben hadn’t come running. Though, none of that scared you half as much as the sight of the man who you loved so much almost killing a man for you - because in that moment, you thought you could never have him. The thought that he’d do so much for you, but still never want you - not how you wanted him - it terrified you. Because how could you ever find anyone while Ben was around? How could you ever find a man to love you, when your eyes could never shift from Ben? You had to leave, had to get away, because the fear of living a life so miserable, so entrapped in a never-ending cycle of breaking your own heart - it was too much to bear.  
Because death didn’t scare you, nor did violence - you’d endured enough of it. But the fear of infinite agony, of this cycle of crushing heart-ache - oh, that did. 

“What scared me,” you finally continued, swallowing thickly as the bitter, salty taste of your tears trickled past your lips. “Was how much I fucking loved you, because I thought I’d never have you,” you sniffled, bringing a hand up to wipe at your eyes. “And I know that sounds so stupid, so selfish, but like…” you trailed off for a moment, shaking your head, “I just couldn’t be around you, I couldn’t keep falling more in love with you and making myself so fucking _miserable_.”  
Ben’s eyes were wide, but they shined - twinkled, almost. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing - had you fallen _more_ in love with him amidst his darkest moment? He shook his head in slight disbelief.  
“What I did...I did that, _because_ I loved you,” he murmured.  
“Well, I know that now,” you half-chuckled. “But I didn’t back then.”  
“And what I did, that side of me,” he chewed at his lip, and the way his voice shook as he spoke didn’t go unnoticed by you. “It didn’t scare you?”  
You shook your head, reaching up to touch his face, fingers trailing across his cheek, down his nose. You sniffled again, offering him a warm smile.  
“Nothing about you could ever scare me, _nothing_.”

And Ben knew then, he’d never stop falling in love with you. He’d do it over and over, until there was nothing of him left to give.  
He swallowed thickly, pulling you closer.  
“We’ll find him, princess,” he said, “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come say hi on tumblr!](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)


	24. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it terrified you, shook you to your very core, when you thought of having to live without it, without him, without that feeling of pure euphoria whenever he was near, whenever he touched you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some introspection, some prelude. 
> 
> So sorry for how long this update has taken, life was kind of a lot, and I felt a bit disengaged. _However_ , we're back on track, and I really hope you guys are still liking this story? I know this chapter isn't super exciting (I had planned for this chapter to be more action-filled, but I guess reader and Ben just had a lot to think about instead) but I wanted to end here before my next chapter. It's already half written so it'll be posted very soon!

_If it’s not one thing, then it’s the next_ , Ben thought to himself, forehead pressed against the grey tile inside his shower. The water was entirely too hot, leaving his skin red raw and burning, but he didn’t mind. He needed it, really. Needed to feel the sting, the pain. He’d never admit to it, but he found it cathartic. Liked it, even. Especially on days like that dreary Sunday evening, where Ben felt as though his head might just lift off his shoulders from the stress of it all.  


It had been a hurricane of a weekend, and he still hadn’t come to terms with it all. Couldn’t quite understand, couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that on Thursday, he was standing right there, under that same stream of near-boiling water - sobs tearing from his chest at the realisation that he may never see you, hear you, feel you again. And that was a regular occurrence, too. He’d tried so hard to quell it, to throw himself into his work, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t ever smother the thought of you, the sound of your voice, your laugh. Couldn’t focus on anything that wasn’t a daydream of your scent, your eyes, your smile. Were it not for Hux pulling the weight that Ben could no longer carry, the Order would have fallen apart. He knows that, though. Knows it well, knows he doesn’t deserve his position of power for how little he’s been capable of without you. Because when you left, Ben’s convinced you took his strength, his very soul, with you.  


But on that Sunday evening, he felt like himself again. Strong, alive, _loved_. And that was the hardest part of all, the part he had the most difficulty understanding. You _loved_ him. You came back to him. Returned to him with his soul in tow, you knelt before him and pieced him back together with such care, such reverence - he'd never know what he did to deserve it, to deserve you. Because he realised then, that he was the luckiest man alive. All he ever wanted, all he ever dreamed of, hoped for - handed to him on a silver platter, despite his shortcomings, despite his failures. And _God_ , what he wouldn’t have given to just bask in it, to enjoy it, to enjoy you - but he couldn’t. It wasn’t safe, not for you, not for his comrades, not for Alec.  


And oh, how it made his skin crawl, knowing another man had touched you in the ways that he did. It made his stomach churn and his fists clench, at the thought of Alec’s hands on your skin, in your hair. He knew in his heart that you never loved him, never loved Alec, but it enrages him irregardless. If he had his way, he’d have seen to it that Alec stayed gone, out of your lives, but he wouldn’t. Not when it meant so much to you. 

He sighed, then. That was always Ben’s problem. He’d go to the ends of the earth for you, dive into the deepest oceans, climb the highest peaks if you asked him to. Because he could never say no to you, never lie to you. He’d give you everything he had, every last fibre of his being, if only you’d let him. 

*

Maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was the emotion, the anxiety of going on your first mission in so many years. You weren’t quite sure what it was, exactly, that had your mind racing a thousand miles a minute. You only knew that you couldn’t focus, couldn’t keep yourself grounded and present as you paced around your bathroom. You should have been thinking of your parents - you should have called them by now, should have told them you were in town, should have told them you were engaged. You should have been thinking about Alec, thinking about his safety, his _life_. How it was all your fault, how you put him in that dreadful position, how you damn near ruined his life trying to make your own easier to bear. You should have been thinking about Poe, about Phasma, about Hux - your friends, you should have been thinking of how to reconnect, how to make up for all that lost time. You should have been thinking of Han and Leia, thinking of the Order, of your responsibilities, your job, your _mission_.  
But no.  
Your mind couldn’t, and wouldn’t, settle on any of those things. All you could think of, all your mind's eye could see, could hear, was Ben.  
Ben, Ben, _Ben_.  
How he held you, how he touched you, how he looked at you - like you were the only thing, the only creature on planet earth, like he was utterly and totally enchanted by you.  
And it made you feel so...elated. So alive. And it terrified you, shook you to your very core, when you thought of having to live without it, without him, without that feeling of pure euphoria whenever he was near, whenever he touched you. But you couldn’t help the doubt, the unease. That all of it, all of that happiness, purity, contentment, would disappear. That it would be snatched out from underneath you, ripped away by life and time and complications. That Ben would tire of you, that he’d want to experience something else, someone else, a life without you in it. You shouldn’t have been thinking of it, shouldn’t have been allowing your mind to go down this route - least of all amidst such pressing matters and a high-risk mission. 

“Get it together, Christ,” you hissed to yourself. You shook your head, shucking your clothes to the floor and turning on the shower, hoping the boiling water would wash away your dread. _God knows, I need it to_. 

**

“Have you talked to your parents yet?” Ben asked, peering around your half-open bedroom door. You were still sitting on the edge of your bed in your bathrobe, fresh from the shower. You scoffed.  
“To tell you the truth,” you sighed, “I totally fuckin’ forgot about them. How lousy is that?”  
Ben offered you a crooked smile as he entered the room fully, closing the door behind him.  
“It’s not like you’ve had half a second to even think,” he said as he approached you, “I know I haven’t,” He sat down beside you, turning his head to look at you as he spoke.  
“It’s like..” he sighed, trailing off for a moment. “So much has happened, it’s like, I only have time to act on pure...instinct. I guess that’s probably the same for you, too.”  
You nodded, twirling your engagement ring around on your finger, biting your lip hard enough to draw blood. You’d heard what he said, you _were_ listening, but you just couldn’t concentrate on a response. Your mind was still spinning, anxiety still clawing at your throat.  
“What’s on your mind?” Ben asked tentatively, sensing your distraction. But his tone was apprehensive, cautious, like he was afraid of your answer. 

“Do you think we’re being crazy here?”  
Ben blinked.  
“How do you mean?”  
“Like, it’s so...fast, you know? All of this. Us. I mean....I don’t know,” you trailed off, shaking your head. Ben’s face paled and he swallowed thickly. He looked somewhat like the air had been knocked right out of his lungs, and sounded as much too, when he finally spoke.  
“D-do...Do you not want this?”  
You spun your head around to face him.  
“No! I mean, yes! Yes, I do want this, I meant as in, no, don’t think that I don’t,” you said hurriedly, almost tripping over your words in your rush to get them out. “I do want this Ben, I always have, more than anything. It’s just…”  
“Just what?”  
You inhaled deeply.  
“You’ve never, you know. Been with anyone else, and this is so...quick, and I’m just scared, I guess. Worried that you’ll lose interest, you know? Get bored of me. Like, you’ll want to experience people and life outside of me and-and I d-don’t ever want to make you feel like you’re _stuck_ with me.”

Somewhere between your words, you’d erupted into tears and you quickly brought your hands up to wipe at your eyes. Ben’s worried features immediately softened, and he firmly took a hold of your wrists, pulling you toward him. 

“Look at me, princess,” he murmured, and you instinctively turned your head away. You’d always hated him seeing you like this. He said your name, his tone deeper, stern. “Look at me.”

He breathed your name again, then, shaking his head softly, half in disbelief that you could ever think such things. How you could possibly think that he could, for one second, ever feel _stuck_ with you?

“I’ve already done life without you, and it nearly fuckin’ killed me,” he half chuckled, but quickly straightened, breathing deeply before continuing.

“And you _know_ ,” he said, his voice dropping impossibly deeper. “You know well that I never dated, that I never bothered with a single other person on this stupid planet, because none of them were _you_. Never in my life, in my whole fuckin’ life, have I ever wanted anyone else, and I never will,” he leaned toward you slightly, pulling his lips into his mouth in thought. Ben was never as good with words as his father, could never really articulate what he felt, what he _really_ felt. But God, he had to try. Had to make you see, make you _feel_ how he felt. 

“You’re my whole goddamn world, always have been, and I guess, you know, what I think that we have...it’s different. We’re different. I didn’t feel like I had to wait like all those other couples, because it’s always been you. It’s always been _us_ , even when we were kids. And I guess, while you were gone, and I was pullin’ my fuckin’ hair out for four years wondering if that would be the day Dryden Vos found you, I-I…I just, I realised life is so fuckin’ short, sweetheart, and I don’t want to waste anymore time than I already have, pissin’ around like an asshole thinking you didn’t want me. That you didn’t want this,” his eyes were fixed on you, watching as your mouth parted in sheer admiration, how your eyes glistened and twinkled for him. It made his heart soar, his mouth dry.  
“All I care about is keeping you safe, making sure that you’re happy. And I need to know if you want this, because believe me, I’m never gonna feel like I’m stuck with you, but I’d fuckin’ hate for you to feel like you’re stuck with me. So if you don’t want this, or if you want to wait, or if you want anything at all that I haven’t done or haven’t given you, you _need_ to tell me. You have to tell me, sweetheart.”  
You were shaking your head before he’d even finished speaking, grabbing for his hands.

“N-no,” you said firmly, your voice trembling slightly. “I want this, I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted, I don’t want to slow down or to wait or anything to be different. I just... I needed to know you wanted me, this, as much as I do. I was just so worried.”

“You don’t need to be, princess,” he murmured, pulling you close to his chest. “You never need to be worried about that. I’ll be damned if I ever lose you again.”  
He pressed his lips to your temple, hands firmly encased around you. You sighed in contentment, smiling to yourself.  
“Hard to believe that a couple of days ago, I was bawling on my kitchen floor because I missed the sound of your voice so much, thinking I’d never see you again,” you giggled. “And now look. I’m engaged to you. _Really_ engaged.”  
You could feel Ben’s grin through your hair, and he squeezed you slightly as he hugged you closer.  
“Believe me,” he chuckled, “I know. But I’ve never felt better.”

Just as you were about to reply, you heard a heavy knock on your bedroom door.

“C’mon, kids,” Poe called, “we’ve got work to do and an idiot to find.”

*

“Has anyone stopped to think that we have like, no idea what we’re doing?” Poe asked, adjusting his holster.  
“Yes,” Hux confirmed flatly, opening the car door. “Every day of my life.”  
“As long as it all goes under Detective Finn’s radar, I’m happy,” Phasma muttered. “We don’t need another visit from your boyfriend, Poe.”  
"Would you shut up?" he hissed, pointing a finger at Phasma. Ben stepped out of the foyer, then, joining the others by the car as you followed behind.  
“In fairness,” Ben said, holding a hand out to you as you descended the steps, “we’ve been over the plan three times.”  
“Still shocked you even made a plan at all,” Hux mumbled, rounding the town-car and getting inside. Phasma hummed in agreement.  
“And still,” Poe sighed, rolling his eyes as he followed Hux, “I have no idea what we’re doing.”  


Ben turned to face you, one hand in yours, the other rubbing soothing circles into your back.  
“I still wish you’d stay here,” he murmured. “I can spare two of the Knights-”  
“ _Ben_ ,” you warned, squeezing his hand.  
“I’m sorry, I know,” he sighed. “I just can’t fuckin’ stomach the thought of losing you again. Of that sack of fucking shit laying a finger on you.”  
“He won’t,” you whispered, offering him your best self-assured smile. “Dryden Vos won’t get his hands on me, because I won’t let him, and _you_ won’t let him.”  
He nodded, exhaling roughly through his nose as he eyed the town-car, your comrades already inside.  


“You ready?” Ben asked, his hand firm on the small of your back.  
“As I’ll ever be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come chat with me on tumblr!](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)


	25. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Ben, he didn’t learn. Never learned how to rest, how to properly heal. If he had his way, he’d bleed out on the battlefield, his persistence unrelenting even when his breathing faltered and his knees buckled. But you’d forgotten how to cope with it - with the thought of losing him, with the sight of him hurt, weak. You thought, perhaps, you’d never be able to deal with it in the way that you had before. Because before, you’d never lost him. You’d never lived without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay on this chapter. I'm definitely working on making updates more frequent rather than just once a month.

You peered around the corner of a red-bricked wall somewhere down in Hell’s Kitchen. Night had enveloped the glistening streets of the city, and the autumn air held a sharp chill, snaking down your spine and around your fingers. The brick was cool under your fingertips, and you knew they’d be numb with the cold before the night was through.

Ben stood behind you, a hand resting protectively on your waist. You could see, in your peripheral vision, several of Ben’s henchmen progressing forward in a scattered pattern, ducking behind dark Mercedes and dumpsters, tentatively avoiding the glare of the streetlights as they silently approached Crimson Dawn’s lair. You wished you knew their names, the henchmen. You’d never cared to learn before, never cared for much of anything. You’d come to understand, however, that you’d been spoiled, all those years ago. You’d never quite realised how much work had gone into to running the Order, of managing such a large scale operation. Your mind had never once jumped to the men below you, who risked their lives for your protection. Perhaps it should have. 

“Ready to proceed?” You turned your head to face Ben, and he looked down at you as he adjusted his earpiece. He was anxious, you could tell. He reached for yours, twiddling it slightly to ensure it was in place.  
“If you are.”  
You nodded, and he pulled you backward, shielding you as he walked. He had _insisted_ that you stayed with him, had quickly cut you off each time you’d tried to argue that you’d be _fine_ , that you’d be quicker, more nimble on your own. He wouldn’t let you out of his sight, not for a minute, not for a second, not when he could so easily lose you.  
Phasma remained in the car, listening intently over the radio for any signs of distress, while Poe and Hux approached the alley exit to the rear of the building. The plan had originally been to scale the east-wall, break in through the windows. But Ben figured, that was too much risk - for you, mostly. The last thing he wanted to envision was you falling from a window ledge ten stories high. It wasn’t that he had no faith in your skill, or that he couldn’t trust you to secure yourself. It was that he downright refused to needlessly complicate the plan, to put you in a precarious position that he didn’t _need_ to put you in. And you empathised with him, really, you did, but you failed to understand how walking right through the front door was any safer. 

_“You got a better idea?”_ Ben had said earlier, when you all crowded around the glass coffee table in a desperate attempt to, _for once_ , have some sort of stable plan. You had a plan alright. Its stability, though, was debatable.  
_“Look,”_ Ben had insisted. _“They’ll have minimal guards, Maul is gonna be at that gala in the Upper East Side. Half their men will be watching him, a quarter will be hanging around the perimeter. We’ll take them out first, get inside. The other quarter will be inside, around Vos, just wandering around or whatever the fuck they do. That, we can deal with.”_

Ben pushed you to the side, ducking behind a SUV as he heard the first round of gunshots. His men had breached the perimeter, and he dropped down onto all fours, peering underneath the vehicle. He watched in contended silence as Dawn’s guard’s crumbled to the concrete, one by one. Watched as the blood pooled around their bodies as they fell limp, trickling into the cracks in the sidewalk. Ben had always instructed his men to aim for the head. The quicker the death, the easier the mission. 

Ben pushed you to the side, ducking behind a SUV as he heard the first round of gun-shots. His men had breached the perimeter, and he dropped down onto all fours, peering underneath the vehicle. He watched in contended silence as Dawn’s guard’s crumbled to the concrete, one by one. Watched as the blood pooled around their bodies as they fell limp, trickling into the cracks in the sidewalk. Ben had always instructed his men to aim for the head. The quicker the death, the easier the mission. As the last guard’s skull collided with the curb, Ben hopped back to his feet, pulling you along with him as he beelined for the door.  
“We’re clear?” You asked frantically, unable to see what Ben was seeing, unable to see whether or not it was safe.  
“Do you think I’d pull you into open space if it wasn’t?”  
You rolled your eyes. You hadn’t missed this, not as much as you’d missed the rest of him. How snide, how sour he’d get on missions from the stress of it.  
“I’m only asking because I can’t fucking see anything, you’re pulling me around like a ragdoll.” 

He said nothing, didn’t even turn to look at you. He pushed you through the door, releasing you only for a moment to pull his handgun out of his holster. He flipped off the safety, and gripped it firmly in one hand as he grabbed your arm with the other. You reached down, sliding your own weapon from your thigh holster that was tightly secured around your black denim jeans. You weren’t like Ben, when it came to missions. You couldn’t run in heels, couldn’t move as quick as you’d needed to in those heavy gowns. You opted for denim and leather, with heavy black boots. Though he’d never told you, Ben preferred it when you wore those boots on missions. They were steel-toed and hefty and you hurting those tiny little feet of yours - tiny in comparison to _his_ , anyway - was one less thing he had to worry about. 

He dragged you forward again, pulling at you harsher than he’d meant to when you resisted. You hated it, hated how he treated you like you were seven, like he thought of you as something to guard rather than a woman who held her own on the battlefield. He’d taught you how to be capable, how to be powerful, yet he wouldn’t let you encapsulate it.  
“Would you _stop_?” You tugged at your arm, trying to wrench it from his iron grip. He ignored you, only tightening his hold. “Ben, listen to me!”  
“No, _you_ listen,” he hissed, spinning around to face you. He gripped your shoulders, bending to bring his head down to your level as he spoke. “Why won’t you understand that I can’t fucking lose you again? I don’t care what I have to do to make sure you’re safe, I don’t care if you hate it, I don’t _care_ if it annoys you.”  
Your eyes narrowed, jaw clenching as you jerked away.  
“And when will _you_ understand that I’m perfectly capable-”  
“Yes, I know, I _know_ you are,” he held on tighter, ensuring your body couldn’t move from his grasp. “It’s not that I underestimate you, you know that I don’t. I lost you once. I almost lost you again - did you even realise how much danger you were in? Three thousand goddamn miles away and Vos was still watching you, if I hadn’t of gotten there when I did, he would have fuckin’ had you. Now we’re walkin’ into his fucking house and you think I’m gonna let that happen again?”  
Ben’s eyes were crazed as he spoke, hair falling over his brows as his head shook slightly with the force of his words. Your face softened, and you relaxed in his hold.  
“I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I know...I know that I can’t stand to lose you, either.”  
“You won’t,” he breathed, pressing his lips to your forehead as his hands moved from your shoulders to cup your face. “I promise.”  
“I promise, too,” you smiled, watching him chuckle as you stepped backward. “But you have to let me walk by myself.”  
“Fine,” he concedes. “But stay where I can see you.” 

You kept your weapon ready, both hands clasped firmly around it as you followed Ben down the dimly lit corridor. He stepped over another guard, and he reached backward for you, softly maneuvering you to the side to keep you from slipping on the brain tissue that had splattered across the tiled floor. It was eerily quiet, the echoes of commands and gunshots now distant as Ben’s men moved to the second floor. 

You didn’t like it. You’d learned over time (and after several missions gone wrong), not to trust the quiet. Ben slowed his pace as you approached a T-junction in the corridor, eyes darting back and forth from one side to the other. Before you knew what was happening, the silence was soiled, your eardrums almost bursting with the sharp pops of gunfire. You scrambled toward the wall, aiming your own gun as Ben lunged forward, but you didn’t have a clean shot - Ben’s stature was too wide, too large, and he blocked your target as he barrelled toward them. You realised only then, that Ben had been the one shooting. His fist collided with the jaw of a rogue guard, their gun dropping to the floor with the force of the impact. Ben kicked it backward, launching the man into the wall and slamming his head fiercely against the off-white wallpaper, again and again and again and again, until blood speckled his face and he was satisfied. He dropped the guard to the floor, staggering backward as he hissed, looking down at his torso. You rushed to him in a panic, pulling his suit jacket clean off his back as you swivelled him around.

“Look what you’ve fucking done,” you hissed, watching the crimson blossom across the pressed linen. “You’ve ripped your fucking stitches out.”  
Ben only offered an incoherent grumble in response, and you push him backward into the wall, your hands scrambling to open his shirt. You pushed at him slightly, so that he would slide down into a sitting position. You knelt before him, peeling the bloodied shirt from his open wound.  
“What did I tell you? Didn’t I tell you to slow down, to let it heal?”  
He scoffed, tipping his head back against the wall, and you pause. Your eyes lifted to meet his, your stare commanding.  
“You’re not fucking invincible, Ben,” You warned. “No matter how much you think you are.”  
“It’s nothing.”  
“It’s not fucking ‘ _nothing_ ’! Look at you!” You gestured to the bloody mess, the still-fresh bruising on his ribs from the impact of the bullet. “How are you not in pain?”  
“I’m used to it.”  
You rolled your eyes, and he grunted as you put pressure on the wound. Only two stitches had ripped, but regardless, you worried. You always did. Worried that one day, he’d push himself too far. That you’d lose him. _Again_. You glanced up at him, exasperated.  
“What’re we gonna do now?” You looked down at his torso, at your hands, slippery with blood. “I can’t fix it.”  
“Angel, it’s fine. I’m fine.”  
“You’re not fine, you’re _bleeding_!” You exclaimed, batting at his hands as he tried to take yours in his. 

This had happened before, of course. He’d been shot at so many times, you’d long since lost count of the bloodbaths, the stitches, the shoddily done sutures until you could get him seen to by the doctor. But Ben, he didn’t learn. Never learned how to rest, how to properly heal. If he had his way, he’d bleed out on the battlefield, his persistence unrelenting even when his breathing faltered and his knees buckled. But you’d forgotten how to cope with it - with the thought of losing him, with the sight of him hurt, weak. You thought, perhaps, you’d never be able to deal with it in the way that you had before. Because before, you’d never lost him. You’d never lived without him. 

You pressed a finger to your earpiece, mouth opening to speak, but Ben yanked your hand away, dropping the connection.  
“Ben!” you hissed, swatting at his hand.  
“ _Don’t_ ,” he warned. “They’ll just worry, we’ll compromise the mission. I’m fine.”  
“God, you’re fucking insufferable, do you know that?” you spat, and he laughed heartily, leaning forward to kiss your cheek.  
“Sure do.”  
“Yeah, alright, Chuckles,” you mumbled, looking back to his wound. “Can you walk?”  
“Of course I can.” 

You reached for his hands, blood dripping down your palm, and Ben’s hand encased yours. Just as you moved onto your feet, just as you both stood, you heard a sharp _clank!_ against the tile, as though a canister had been dropped. Your heart hammered against your chest, panic setting in, because you couldn’t see it on the ground, couldn’t tell what it was, and Ben pushed you forward in the opposite direction of the sound.  
“Fuck,” you groaned, “Is that a grenade?”  
But Ben shook his head, spinning around in confusion as the corridor filled with smoke.  
“No,” he breathed, and he reached for you in panic, needed to have you right against him, needed to feel that you were _there_. 

But suddenly, you weren’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Come say hello on tumblr! I love to hear from you.](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)


	26. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “She’s gone,” Ben rasped, colliding into Poe as he hurtled toward him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the short update, but it kind of has to be short so that I can start the next chapter fresh.

It was the cold that woke you. The bitter kind, the kind that bites. 

You’d felt this before - that unnerving realisation, the sheer fright of waking up without any idea of how you’d fallen asleep (or, rather, how you’d been knocked out). You were acutely aware of the fact you were sitting up, and you rolled your neck around, easing the strain you’d caused it from slumping in your unconscious state. You blinked once, twice, three times before your eyes could adjust to the darkness - the only light streamed in through an unusually high window behind your head. You could tell, by the patch of light it formed on the exposed concrete floor, that it was a basement window. 

You could hear the faint drip of a leaking tap, the faint buzz of a faulty light bulb. The room was littered with random, precariously placed boxes and folded chairs, and the ground sported several small pools of freshly leaked oil. Your eyes found the door, then - metal and heavy, with a complex locking system. Wherever you were, wherever they’d taken you - you were sitting in a room built for prisoners. You cleared your throat, shifting in your wooden seat. Your hands were bound tightly behind your back with cable ties, your ankles secured to the feet of the chair. You tugged at the restraints, your chair hopping forward as you did, but to no avail. This wasn’t your first time as a captive, of course, but it was your first time as a captive _alone_. The last time you’d found yourself in such a perilous situation was when you were skimming the edge of 17. You and Ben had been bundled into a dark SUV while out on a late night walk (a walk he had told you wasn’t safe, but went with you anyway, because you wanted to go), bound for Queens. Enfys Nest had taken you both as hostages during a shipment dispute with Han Solo. It was harmless, of course, and you were both returned unscathed. But at least, in those moments where you feared the very worst, you had him. 

“Thought you’d never wake up.” 

The voice startled you, and your eyes frantically scanned the room in search of the source. You didn’t need to see him to know who it was, though. No, you knew that voice. You heard it every damn day. For four years, you couldn’t seem to get rid of it. 

“Alec?”  
“Y’know, I actually wasn't sure if you’d come looking for me.” 

You still couldn’t see him in the darkness, but you could tell the voice was coming from your left. You turned your head in his direction, hoping to catch his eye. 

“Why would you think that?” You were offended, really, by the statement. You were by no means a perfect (or even _good_ ) girlfriend, but you considered yourself a decent person - disregarding the morally grey aspect of your chosen path. “Of course we would.” 

“We.” 

“Yes, ‘ _we_ ’,” you affirm. “We got you into this mess, we’ll get you out, I promise.” 

Alec clicked his tongue, and the action unnerved you. It wasn’t like him to talk like that, with such vitriol. Rancour wasn’t Alec’s nature. No, he was too...well, bland, to even attempt to have a personality with more depth than an A4 sheet of paper. As banal as he was, though, he was still _your_ problem. You’d put him through enough by using him as a distraction, as a glorified toy for so many years, despite his _obvious_ love and adoration for you. Exposing him to such reckless violence, to such terror - well, it was something you knew you’d never forgive yourself for. So, maybe he was allowed to be angry. Maybe, he had every right to be. 

“You get zero points for awareness,” he offered a half hearted chuckle. “Really, I mean, you should have figured this out a long time ago.” 

Your brow furrowed in confusion, and your eyes flew around the room, desperately trying to find any sign of his presence. 

“Figure _what_ out, Alec?

He scoffed.

“Jesus, you really are fucking stupid,” he laughed, and your heart began to hammer against your ribcage, because no, this wasn’t Alec. This couldn’t be Alec. “Actually, no, you _both_ are. Probably why you’re so stupid, too. You’re so fucking up each others asses, even when you’re on opposite sides of the fuckin’ country, that you can’t even see straight.” 

“Excuse me?” you exclaimed incredulously, blood boiling, temper simmering. “Who the _fuck_ do you think you’re talking to?” 

He says your name, then. Your real, full name, middle name and all. You’d never told him your middle name, you’d never given him your real last name. He rattled off your date of birth, then, too - your real one, the one you’d never told him. 

“You were born at Bellevue hospital, brought home to your pretty little Manhattan apartment, where your parents worked for the Solo family. You were homeschooled, and you did ballet. Am I getting this right?” 

You swallowed thickly. You weren’t sure how he knew such intricate little details, ones you knew he couldn’t have known, even though he’d recently come to know your true origins. 

“H..How do you know this stuff?”  
“I’m smarter than you give me credit for,” he said, his voice nearing you. You finally saw him, then, as he emerged from behind a stack of cardboard boxes marked with thick, black X’s. 

“That, and it was in the file they gave me before I got in a taxi, following you to JFK. Got on the same flight, too. Three rows back. You sat at the window, because of _course_ you did, right? And then I followed you all the way to that hotel you stayed at before you found your apartment. The Marriott, wasn’t it? Not so low-key for someone who’s on the run, huh? I watched you, _every_ single day. Watched you giving out CV’s, watched you at the bars, making friends. So, I made friends with those friends. Because that’s the way to earn a girls trust, right? Be a friend of a friend. Worked like a charm, didn’t it?” 

It felt as though the breath had been knocked clean out of your lungs. Your mouth ran dry, your throat closing slightly, causing your breaths to come in haggered gasps. Your heart leapt into your throat, your stomach felt as though it'd up churn its contents at any given moment. You blinked, ignoring the blossoming tears, the lump in your throat. 

“W-what?” 

“Except, it didn’t work like a charm. Did it? You were supposed to fall for me, and I did everything fucking right, _everything!_ ” he slammed his fist into the stack of boxes, sending them tumbling to the ground. You were relieved, for some strange reason, to see that they were empty. “But it wasn’t enough, was it? Because I wasn’t _him_. I wasn’t supposed to fall for you though, wasn’t part of the job. But so it goes.” 

“A-Alec, what the fuck-”

He scoffed.  
“Don’t _‘what the fuck’_ me, you know damn well what’s going on.”  
“You work for them?”  
He sidled up to where you sat, crouching down to meet your eye level. He grinned.  
“You’ll have to specify who you mean by ‘ _them_ ’.”  
“Crimson Dawn,” you breathed. “You work for Dryden Vos.”  
“Yup,” he winked, and you felt your stomach churn again. “I sure do, sweetheart.” 

You couldn’t help it, then. Couldn’t help how you heaved, couldn’t help how you vomited all over the floor - tipping your chair forward slightly with the force of it was your only saving grace, as the contents of your stomach narrowly missed your lap. 

Alec’s nose crinkled in disgust.  
“That sure is one hell of a reaction, all things considered.”  
“I fucking _slept_ with you,” you hiss, spit dripping from your lower lip as you look up at him with contempt.  
“Didn’t seem to enjoy it half as much as you enjoy it with Ben, though, huh? Thought the pair of you were gonna go through the damn wall,” he circles your chair, crouching again just behind you, leaning down to whisper in your ear. “You always were a stupidly hard bitch to please.”  
“Go to hell.”  
“I plan on it,” he stands to his full height, regarding you once more before turning and sauntering toward the door. “As cathartic as this has been, I’ve got a boss to report to. Can’t _wait_ to let him know what I’ve finally fucking got for him.”

**

Ben tore out of the building with such a speed, he’d caught the side of his suit jacket on the railing adorning the steps, ripping right through it with the force of his movement. He was still bleeding, fresh blood still sliding down his abdomen. The dull throb wasn’t enough to halt his movements or numb his panic. His head was spinning, with dizziness or hysteria, he wasn't sure. 

“She’s gone,” Ben rasped, colliding into Poe as he hurtled toward him. Poe's arms were open, hauling Ben toward him. “T-they have her, they took her.”  
“I know, I heard the radio,” Poe squeezed his shoulder, grabbing the back of his neck with his free hand and steering Ben’s face toward his, causing Ben to hunch over slightly. “Look at me, hey,” he shook him, and Ben’s frantic eyes finally met his. “We’re gonna find her, alright?” 

Hux appeared, then, out of breath and sweating. 

“The building is clear,” he wheezed. “No casualties on our end.”  
“Pull the division out,” Ben ordered, standing back to his full height. “Fuck this mission, I want every man we have on the ground, looking for her. _Now_.”  
“Look where?” Hux exclaimed. “How do we know where to even fuckin’ start, we don’t know who took her!”  
“I don’t _care_ ,” Ben spat, darting toward Hux and roughly seizing his shoulder in an iron grip. “I want men in every fucking borough, in every fucking goddamn building, in every fucking alley in this city until we find her, is that clear?”  
“Crystal, sir,” Hux nodded, stepping out of Ben’s grasp and turning toward the car, pressing a finger to his ear piece as he went.  
“I should have fucking known it was a trap,” Ben hissed, chastising himself as he fought to calm his accelerated breathing. “Of course it was, they knew if they took him, we’d go after him.”  
“You can forgive yourself for one oversight,” Poe patted his arm. “It’s been one hell of a couple’a days.” 

“An oversight that could cost _her_?” Ben breathed. “No, this isn’t happening. He’s not gonna have her long enough to touch her, I’ll tell you that right now,” He started toward the car, almost breaking into a run. “I want every single one of Dawn’s properties on a map, I want their fucking blueprints, I want Vos' fucking mothers home address, I want fucking _everything_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come say hello on tumblr!](https://kkysolo.tumblr.com/)


End file.
